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 Thoughts on death 
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Joined: Sat Mar 25, 2017 1:32 am
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Post Thoughts on death
I have never truly lingered upon my own mortality although I must admit it has given me pause on more than one occasion. I made my peace with my maker long ago and I am comfortable with that however, like most, I was never in any hurry to go. Yet, even with that peace there was some fear. Of what I do not know but it was there. In fact, putting off the inevitable was just fine by me.

But what I'm finding as my dementia progresses is that I have a type of indifference to my own death. I know it is coming sooner than later but, at least for now, I don't dread it. I'm not depressed about it or suicidal, I just recognize it as fact and there it is, so be it. The only thing I do dread is what it will put my family through. Perhaps I feel this way because somewhere in my mind I think I won't really know what's happening by then anyway. Or maybe it's my time issue. Often, two hours-two weeks, spatially, they're about the same thing. So if you tell me that statistically I have about 7 years left it might as well be 70 in my mind because there really isn't a good grasp of timespan in there.

All of this led to a huge surprise for me this week. My brother, whom I've written of several times on this forum passed on Wednesday and we will bury him Sunday. He has had a chronic lung condition since birth causing the doctors when he was 12 to declare his life expectancy to be 25. He celebrated his 68th birthday this past October so they missed that mark by a tad. We rejoiced in those extra years and made the most of them. There were many close calls and his health was always horrible but he was a fighter and we had him with us. I've had my entire 57 years to prepare for his death. Since the day I came to the realization of the concept of life and death, I've been preparing for his death. Yet this has struck me a terrible blow. It's as if I'd had no time to prepare, that I didn't know it was coming, that I didn't believe his suffering was finally over and it totally discounted my realization of my indifference to my own death. I'm walking around in a daze, making all the perfunctory comments and accepting all the sympathies one would expect. It's just surreal to me. So much different, worse than I ever thought. Completely different than when our parents passed and that was no walk in the park. But that was also before my walk with dementia.

Anyway, I needed to get that off my chest. I can't say it out loud, either to myself or my family. Neither of us can take one more thing right now.

Thanks for your understanding,

Randy


Sat Apr 22, 2017 9:28 am
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Joined: Mon Apr 03, 2017 8:13 pm
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Randy,
So sorry to hear of your loss. A loss, even when expected, is a loss. It's not less in any way. Sending prayers your way with the hope that you find peace sooner than later.
Jamie

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Sat Apr 22, 2017 5:51 pm
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Joined: Sat Mar 25, 2017 1:32 am
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Jamie,
Thank you so much for you kind words. Today was difficult but I got through it, saw a lot of relatives and friends I hadn't seen in quite a while, cried some, laughed some but survived. It's what he would have wanted and it's what we did.
Randy


Sun Apr 23, 2017 12:00 am
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Joined: Fri Mar 10, 2017 11:36 am
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Poppygail wrote:
Jamie,
Thank you so much for you kind words. Today was difficult but I got through it, saw a lot of relatives and friends I hadn't seen in quite a while, cried some, laughed some but survived. It's what he would have wanted and it's what we did.
Randy

Randy, I don't envy you a bit, on so many levels. The last funeral I had was for my own father and that was long enough ago the sting has dulled enough to put it in perspective. I lost my brother when I was 12 and he was 16, also from a terminal illness he was not supposed to out-live (he didn't; Cystic Fibrosis in the 60's and 70's still had a horrible mortality rate among children). So I have empathy for your situation and indeed sympathy for your loss. Not so sound cold-hearted but you had your brother far longer than I had mine so I am sure your feelings of loss are greater as well. For me it was loss but also alot of simply not understanding at that age.

I can also respect how you are dealing with everything else there right now. And yeah, in this situation its so hard to explain I bet you keep alot to yourself. I do it all the time brother. And THAT pain is very fresh in my mind so in many ways I will not feel better until you are home and safe again in your own environment...you miss your brother but I don't want anything to happen to you....


Sun Apr 23, 2017 10:54 am
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