Jim

I started keeping a diary when things really began to fall apart last month and I thought maybe it was the sudden Dr ordered change in his narcotic pain meds/dosages……..however, in retrospect, I believe Jim has been mentally deteriorating for several years, but I was in hopeful denial thinking it was just age-associated forgetfulness, pain, and manic depression symptoms…….Now I've come to accept and realize it's something MUCH more serious. I suspect he has some form of Alzheimer's, possibly Dementia With Lewy Bodies, since he has or has had every single symptom they list. I have documented many of his "episodes" since then with the most recent and most shocking occurring 8/28 when Jim launched into a barrage of accusations about my ex-husband (divorced in 1996) ( and who is now 75 years old if he is still living) and a boyfriend who I dated for a couple months in 1997 and who DIED in 2002, neither man had ever met Jim, but Jim was livid and certain I had been having sex with both men, and when I quietly denied it and walked past him, he punched me in the face and split my lips. I ran to escape him because the punching appeared to have escalated his temper and now he was shouting he had to KILL me and had grabbed a butcher knife from the kitchen. I stupidly locked myself in our bedroom and even though he is crippled, he smashed right through the door knocking it off the hinges and began grabbing at my legs as I tried to leap across him on the bed. I called the cops and explained I believed he was ill and had dementia, but even though they witnessed my bloody split lip AND the actual attack on my phone video, which I had turned on when the false accusations started, the fact that Jim had blood on his arm from breaking through the door and said I caused it and because I am much more ambulatory, made the cops ask me to leave MY home so he could "cool" off.

Yesterday I came home at 7 am after spending the night at a friend's as the local sheriff had instructed. I walked into my house and Jim was standing slack-jawed in the center of the kitchen staring at the wall. He turned and looked at me but did not speak. I had made an appointment with Jim's Dr to discuss the recent events. I decided to take Jim if he would go. Although he agreed to go,( on a false pretense) I had to dress him because he just stood there in his underwear. Dr put Jim in an exam room and I took Dr aside to show him my documentation of events. including video. Dr got angry and REFUSED to discuss Jim with me because " Jim had asked him not to". I tried to tell him about the attack and he said he didn't want to hear about my relationship problems and that being Jim's doctor, he KNOWS Jim does NOT have any dementia……WOW.

Dr went in Jim's exam room alone shutting the door in my face. I listened as Jim prattled on about football, pain meds, his back surgery and my "emotional problems" Jim told Dr I was "dating several men" and so Dr ordered labs for Syphilis, Gonorrhea, and HIV. Dear God. Dr began to prepare to leave room, not one word about the real issues when I finally strapped on my big girl pants and stormed into the exam room asked Jim his age, the year, the month, the current president and so on, none of which he answered correctly. Dr finally conceded that Jim might have some memory loss, and ordered a referral to neurology which could take weeks to come through. I'm still incredulous and upset that even though I am Jim's 100% caretaker and he is incapable of performing the smallest function for himself including getting dressed properly or not wetting the bed, the misogynistic Dr thinks I'm the problem.

Going back…..

Thursday, July 14th

Jim gets up at 5:30 am when I get up. Frequently, on the days he gets up earlier than 8 am, are the days he has an episode. Everything seems fine until he suddenly starts yelling about his latest PERCEPTION of the injustice of Social Security. This is a recurring trigger for years, since 2010 when SSA sent out a ruling in his favor with a bunch of typos that they have since refused to acknowledge and refuse to act on, ie: pay him his Disability. So while this is a valid issue for Jim, he refuses to actually confront the problem, and instead will launch into all day yelling episodes of meaningless threats directed at SSA and, worse, claims of events that never actually happened. Most all of these claims have been directed at either SSA or Jim "remembering" something that that either did NOT actually happen, or at best, did not happen the way he "remembers". While these episodes have gone on for years, they never really escalate past a lot of him yelling. Due in part, to his erratic yelling and blaming, Jim has managed to alienate EVERY SINGLE friend he's ever had and is completely estranged (for 10 years) from his remaining family for his behavior. ( one sister, two brothers) as well as a best friend of 40 years, Bill, who Jim accused of something he did not do, or at the very least, did not do with malicious intent. About 6:00 am Jim starts a yelling tirade. For over an hour he alternatively yells, talks to no one,or talks to someone that is NOT REAL, and throws blame around about his SSA. I will frequently leave on his "bad" days, go shopping or run errands, anything to escape his onslaught of angry shouting. Today, I didn't leave because his behavior was so odd, he kept talking to someone ( best guess is the judge who heard his case in 2010) who was NOT there and suddenly he comes in and in a very (highly unusual) quiet tone, he informs me that the invisible judge TOLD him of me going behind his back in 2010, conspiring against him with SSA, giving "secret testimony" that derailed his claim. I was stunned. Nothing of the sort ever occurred and I was mortified, hurt, and a little afraid because even though he just makes up past events as he goes that have no basis in reality, this was the first time it was directed at me instead of around me. (He has included me in his delusional narratives, but they more often concern whether or not I remember such and such event the way he does.) Worse, Jim is so very housebound and physically disabled, that I am his ONLY source of connection to necessities like groceries, meals, rides to the doctor, and even a place to live. When I denied his accusations, it only appeared to further enrage him, so in an attempt to stop his ( what I initially believed ) manic thought process, I left the house, to let him unwind alone. His downswing from the manic state is always sleeping. He nods off and only wakes to use the bathroom, usually sleeping in the day following an episode to noon or 2 pm. Also, these events, while troubling, have NEVER really escalated like this,and never involved imaginary people.

Saturday, July 16th,
I left town at 4 am to attend a dogshow in San Diego. My handyman is building a patio off the front of my house and arrived at 8 am, and texted me that he worked for 4 hours or until about noon. Jim had slept in. I called from San Diego around noon, woke him up and all seemed fine. I spoke again with him at 3 pm and he had just fed my puppies that were confined in a play pen. Again, everything seemed fine, we chatted and joked. At 9:30 pm I called and told him I was going to bed in the hotel. Everything was STILL fine. At 1:30 am he called, woke me up from a deep sleep and said one of the puppies was missing and probably dead because he forgot her outside in 100 degree weather that morning. Which made no sense because the front door area where he claimed he "lost her" was off limits due to the construction work, AND the handyman had been there ALL morning, and Jim never went out, plus, Jim as far as I knew, did not even get up until noon, and lastly, he has never taken tiny puppies outside anyway. I tried to tell him this and he said my handyman was a liar. Since the missing puppy was NOT mine, but a client's, I panicked and decided to rush back home. When I arrived at about 4 am, EVERYTHING in the house was in disarray, furniture was moved and he had dragged several very heavy crates (about 65lbs) from the outside garage, indoors for no reason he could articulate, he had locked a dog in a bedroom and didn't remember doing it, but the missing puppy was safely in the house where she had never left. Jim was standing in the center of the living room utterly slack faced and not the least bit coherent mumbling unintelligible words to someone who wasn't there. He has very talkative dreams, and this initially resonated like maybe a sleep walking event. Once I was able to interact with him in the present, he couldn't seem to even process that I had just driven 180 miles in the middle of the night on very little sleep after an exhausting day in a frantic rush to get there, he seemed to think I had been there all along and the mess I walked into was MY doing.

Friday, July 22nd 9:30pm.
 Jim has been mostly "normal" today. The day has passed uneventfully and I go in the bedroom to get ready for bed. Jim suddenly comes out of the bathroom freshly showered and completely dressed in a clean sport shirt, slacks, dress shoes, etc. ( he NEVER wears clothes around the house, just a robe and underwear), I asked why was he all dressed up when it was bedtime. He mumbled something about going out and went in the other room. I was completely perplexed, but I decided to leave it alone and I got in the shower. Suddenly he bursts into the bathroom and LOUDLY accuses me of beating him and punching him on Thursday, the day before. I was stunned again. I have never hit Jim, ever. I asked where was he punched and he said HIS FACE and all over and that there was no evidence because I knew how to hide bruises. He then announced he would be turning me in to the authorities for abusing him. I was too stunned to try and defend myself because he was truly delusional and hallucinating. I ignored him and eventually went to bed.

Saturday, July 30th
I missed some entries because again, I continue to hope it's just a bi-polar problem, but today Jim fell again while going from the living room to the kitchen. He falls there often enough that my contractor is putting a grab bar into the wall between the rooms. When he falls, he is so stiff that he really just sort of collapses and doesn't seem to get hurt. He is aware that he falls occasionally and will ask for help if he feels at risk, but refuses to use a cane or other aid.

Tuesday, 8/8,
Tonight I had gone to bed and left Jim in the other room peacefully watching TV, suddenly he comes into the bedroom, gets into bed, and begins accusing me of having an affair, and goes into a long detailed pity party about a boyfriend I had ( before I even met Jim) 18 years ago who DIED in 2002. Jim was was ranting about a nearly two decade old event like it had just happened, as if the man were still living and I was running around with him. The following day he did not seem to remember the incident and I didn't press. Friday, 8/12 He freaks out when I asked him, nicely, to turn off the TV in the bedroom if he was watching the TV in the front room. He accused me of distracting him on purpose so he would forget to turn it off and continued to yell at me about my abuse and beatings of him until I left the room. I video taped this….digression, because, again, it was SO unbelievable. Yes, I still have the video.

August 20,
Yesterday, 8/19

I took Jim to his doctor for his edema problems, and also to attempt to discuss what I thought were Jim's bi-polar or manic episodes with his doctor. Every time I tried to tell Dr as gently as possible about Jim's very extreme mood swings, Jim would demand that I leave the room and from the little bit I could overhear outside the room, Jim would try and blame MY emotional state. Today (8/20) I went back to Dr for MY appt and attempted to avoid talking about Jim since it was MY appt. I did however, remind Dr that I hadn't picked up some scripts for Jim ( antibiotics and Lasix) for his edema and wanted to make sure I could collect them at PD since they were originally at PS. Dr also mentioned that my med scripts were fine, but that he had to follow the new FDA laws in reducing Jim's morphine and that it might help his mood swings. Only now I'm certain he's NOT having mood swings.. I finished up and went downstairs to collect JIM'S scripts. They took an HOUR to bottle. Jim phoned a couple of times to check when I'd return, the first time he seemed to think I was at a dog show and I had to remind him that I was at Kaiser.( this is a common recurring problem, he remembers NOTHING from one moment to the next in real time.) I complained about how long it was taking and finally got the scripts and headed home. 45 minutes had passed from the last time I had spoken on the phone with Jim, which was also over two hours from when I had left my appt with Dr . I got home, walked in the house to hand Jim the bag of scripts, when all HELL BROKE LOOSE! He came out of his office area, with a really weird FURIOUS look in his eyes, and screamed at me that I had thrown him under the bus with the Dr, that Dr had phoned him to say that I told him Jim was beating me and acting very aggressive and because of MY concerns, that he, Dr , was canceling ALL of Jim's narcotic scripts. I, of course, was in complete shock since I had discussed NOTHING of the sort with Dr . Jim yelled and yelled, calling me filthy horrible names and making wild threats. I walked outside and started chatting with my contractors who were finishing up a concrete patio in back. Jim came out after me, red in the face wearing only his robe. When he saw the workmen, he pretended to move a wheelbarrow away from where they had stored it. I waited outside for a while hoping he would cool off. When I went back in he was still shouting that I was the ultimate backstabbing bitch because Dr had told him I said all kinds of horrible things about Jim. After thinking about the timing for a few minutes, it occurred to me that there was NO WAY the DR had really called. For one thing, it was a rare Saturday and they were booked solid, so that the DR would take time during those super busy morning hours to call Jim to act like a child ( Robin complained about you so I'm pulling your scripts, nanner, nanner) just didn't make any sense. So I suggested we call the Dr back and get it sorted out. Jim agreed and starts poking at his phone. NOT making a call. He played around with the phone for several more minutes making excuses, so I took the phone saying I would do it. Only there was NO CALL FROM THE DR. My calls….were there, Jim's calls….there. Jim immediately blames the phone complaining he hadn't gotten his new one yet. Except I had picked up and given Jim the new phone two days earlier, which he not only couldn't remember, he also couldn't remember where he put it. Maybe an hour later, Jim announces to me that he emailed the Dr and essentially told him off for discussing his issues with me behind his back, something that NEVER HAPPENED. Dr emailed back with a very curt "What are you talking about? I didn't discuss ANYTHING about you with Robin although she mentioned you wanted to discuss surgery. Jim was frantic that I SEE the email, that it proved his "point". All it proved was that there WAS NEVER A PHONE CALL from DR and Jim was hallucinating. I can't take much more of this. I stood on line for an hour for his stupid pills and the thanks and appreciation I got were to get attacked. In addition, tonight about 9pm, Jim comes to my office and declares that it's pouring rain…to come see out the front. I have my door wide open and it's dry as bone and 110 degrees…. When I told him it was NOT raining he went back to the wide open front door demanding I come look, so I walked to the front door, utterly perplexed when he suddenly turned around and muttered he must have heard something that sounded like rain.

Sunday, Aug 21

Jim gets up early and is already enraged. He informs me that he KNOWS I have been screwing my ex-husband ( a person I haven't talked to in 18 years, haven't seen in 20, and last I heard was living in TX with his wife.) Jim describes assorted sexual acts in lurid detail that he allegedly saw in my online "chats" with my ex. I practically flew out of the house to escape his crazy accusations. Jim kept calling my phone and when I'd foolishly answer, he'd shout "Say HI to your ex from me!". I mentioned I was alone, having breakfast at IHOP and stopped answering the phone. He then texted me to please bring him home some pancakes. I was still so hurt and so upset and it still was not occurring to me that all of the ranting was an illness and NOT the real Jim, so I avoided going home for another hour. When I did get back, Jim was pacing back and forth through the house looking for me. I remained quiet and observed as he repeatedly walked OUT the front door, ( and it was 113 degrees outside) then back in, back to my office room, and around and back outside again. He literally paced like that for 73 minutes before I finally broke down and told him I was home. At one point I tried to ask about his outbursts and he flatly denied anything odd had happened and instead he began accusing me of stealing from him, that I ripped off his SSA deposit because I had charged some dog food to the account online (with his express permission at the time). He ranted for about two hours about my "stealing", that I took all his money, ( he gets about $900 a month from SS, that's his only income and he relies on me to cover ALL THE BILLS.) that I stole his meds (yeah, sure, I'm the one driving two hours round trip to pick up his meds, I'm the one keeping track of the dosages and refills, and I'm the one monitoring any side effects) that I am a slut, a bitch, and a cunt, and every other four letter word out there. Really makes me want to bend over backwards to help him….sarcasm… Later my girlfriend in Canada, called to talk about her dog, Jim suddenly stuck his head into the room and even though I attempted to shush him because I was on the phone, he literally screamed into the phone horrible filthy sexual remarks directed at my friend. My girlfriend was mortified and I was beyond embarrassed. Every muscle I had was in a painful knot and my stomach was roiling from the stress and fear of what he would say or do next, so I left. I went to Taco Bell across the highway and just sat inside the restaurant for an hour. Jim called, I picked up and he was frantic, said there had been an electrical fire in where my dogs are and that he had to put it out and would I please come home? There indeed had been a small electrical fire and he was 100% rational when I got home but he had NO memory of the events prior to the fire. Jim remained rational for the rest of Sunday. 

Monday.August 22.

Jim wakes up late, around 10 am. He is not only utterly and completely rational, he actually apologizes for "arguing with me" yesterday. I hugged him and then asked if he remembered what he had said yesterday. He did not. I told him SOME of the worst parts, which he tried to deny, but I had recorded some of it on my phone. He apologized profusely and begged me not to leave him. I took him to breakfast and he ate everything on his plate. Jim doesn't eat much at home. I shop for what he wants and likes, but I'll cook a meal and he'll either take a few bites and then throw it out, or he'll claim he isn't hungry. Jim was in the present tense ALL DAY Monday. As an aside, I was forced to take a beloved 9 year old dog to our vet for euthanasia due to a brain tumor and Jim was very "in the moment" and very appropriately sad over the situation.

Tuesday, August 23,

Jim gets up early, about 5:30. Right away he starts berating me about people and events from nearly 20 years ago. He began trying to bait me into an argument by informing me that he would be dating again because I was such a lousy lay, that he had been forced to masturbate by my lack of providing him sex, so much that his dick was raw, ( his exact words) (and Jim has neither had an erection nor had ANY interest in having sex in over 3 years) and that although he considered me a good friend, it was time to meet a woman who could handle his powerful sexual needs. At this point he pulled down the front of his shorts and grabbed his ( limp) penis, at which point I felt like both vomiting and sobbing. Jim, although loud and talkative has never, ever behaved in such a SHOCKING manner. He continued on for several hours making delusional accusations about perceptions of people and events from 17 years ago, ALL of which were either completely delusional or highly distorted. He was reliving these 17 year old feelings like they were current. I tried to distract him multiple times with the dogs, the TV, food, baby goats, anything I could think of. He quit berating me around noon, but was not his better self, he was still hallucinating about being in another time. Around 4pm , he began getting angry at me for FEEDING him because he had a stomachache, which according to him, was MY FAULT for giving him too much food. I gave him an antacid. Additionally, he asked me, over the course of the day, FOUR different times about how to take his Lasix and Vit K. Each time he asked, it was like he had just discovered the meds. I went so far as to tape large fluorescent labels on the med bottles with the dose, which he then ripped off and demanded I stop being condescending to him. He surely is NOT taking his meds correctly. He has also wet the bed, his explanation was because he will pee in a jar because he doesn't want to get up and will fall asleep before he finishes. But there is no jar and he gets up anyway. I wash his sheets frequently and his mattress is stained yellow even though it's now covered with a plastic bottom sheet. I am walking on eggshells…. and I'm tremendously sad and alternatively terrified of Jim. Back in July when I only thought he was having a bi-polar problem, my dear GF suggested I hide any potential weapons, but the weapons are Jim's personal property and I just didn't think he was dangerous. However, on Sunday, 8/21,he had been so angry and threatening, and I noticed him opening the drawer where he keeps them very furtively and when he saw me, he turned his back to me. I looked later and realized he had moved them and I couldn't find them. While doing his laundry, I discovered 2 clips of ammunition in his robe, and intensified my search while he slept. An hour later I found his weapons under the mattress, fully loaded and cocked, a condition he NEVER kept them in previously. I nearly vomited. They are now long gone and he hasn't noticed…yet.

Wednesday 8/24  

Jim wanted me to take him shopping, so I took him across the street to our local supermarket. While standing in the

fresh vegetables section amid half a dozen other shoppers, Jim suddenly grabs himself and shouts at me, "You're not getting any more of this ( shakes his penis) because of your herpes!" ( I ducked down in utter astonishment, embarrassment, humiliation, you name it, and ran away from him…) " Hey Herpes! Where ya goin'? Spreading those diseases all over town!" I ran out of the store, waited out in the car, and he comes stumbling out about 20 minutes later. He is pushing two baskets of groceries. In one of the shopping baskets are a pile of children's pool toys…floaties, inflatables, foam shapes….and we have neither a pool nor a child. I ask who are the toys for? "Their mine! And none of your effing business!" Also bought a whole bunch of food items neither of us eat… Later I was to discover that he used my debit card to pay for this mess to the tune of almost $400.00, literally cleaning out my liquid money for the week. I waited until he was asleep to remove all access to my credit cards.

August 25

Jim got up at 9:30 am. So far so good. He was a little edgy when I offered to make breakfast, again blaming me for over feeding him and suggesting that ( by offering to cook) I'm attempting to be condescending. I ignored his remarks, reminded him we had had a new litter of puppies born last night, and he visibly brightened. The rest of the day went just fine until 5:30 pm. Suddenly it was 17 years ago and in his mind I was taunting him by having sex with dozens of men which he described in sickening detail. He then began ranting about how many hundreds of thousands of dollars I owe him for ripping him off and ruining his sex life with my whoring around. He then ranted that he would be posting my filthy slutty status online so everyone would know that I was a whore. Since I don't even do FB, let alone anything he could affect, I tried to ignore him, but again I just sobbed in fear and pain. As I type this, I am hiding in a corner where he cannot see me to avoid his non stop berating and hate filled pronouncements, and he is pacing in and out the front door trying to find me. I'm so nauseous and sad and mostly frightened. It's now 8:30 pm and on a whim I walked in to the front room like nothing was wrong and offered to bake some chocolate chip cookies….the idea worked, he was back in the present tense and no longer violently angry.

We went to bed together about 10 pm which is our normal bed time. Jim tossed and turned, but other than an ongoing stomach ache complaint, he thankfully did not talk or digress. About 11 I was wakened by lights coming on in the front of the house and shining under the door. Jim was up and wandering around the house. He occasionally sits in the front room and watches TV when he can't sleep, but he was pacing again because I could see his shadow moving across the floor back and forth. I fell back asleep woke up again at 2 am and he was still pacing. Around 3 am he came back in the bedroom, rudely shining a flashlight all over the room which I kept asking him to turn off. He finally settled into bed and continued to toss and turn and sigh until I got up at 5:30am.

August 26
He got up with me. Currently, he seems normal and in the present tense, and aware he was awake all night. It is now almost 4 pm. Jim has not digressed nor acted insane, but neither has he slept since day before yesterday. He just complained that his stomach was hurting again and said he was going to lie down.

August 26, 7 pm.
Jim tried to nap, but only was able to lie down in the bedroom for about 2 hours. He took a very long shower, then wandered into his office. I went in about 8:30pm and he turned to me and said, "How long has this room been a mess like this?" It's always a mess because Jim has always just thrown things on the floor, so I said, "Pretty much always"….then he says, "How did I get here? Did I drive here? Where did I drive from?" When did I get here? "How long have I lived here?" When I told him, he was incredulous. He specifically did NOT remember me being in the narrative and then asked, "Where are my things, my furniture? My clothes? Did I leave them somewhere? I asked a bunch of questions….how old was he? He said 66 ( he's almost 69) what year is it ? 1998, and several more. At this moment he does not know where we are living and asked about needing to talk to his long estranged sister and a doctor he had 30 years ago in Chicago.

August 27
Today I had to go to AZ for a client. Jim had slept most of the night as far as I could tell. He did get up when I did, about 4:30 am. But he seemed like his normal self. I got home around noon, brought him some takeout and he ate about half a hamburger. As I write this, he is sitting peacefully watching his favorite TV shows commenting on the stories appropriately Additionally, in my own ignorance and denial of the obvious, Jim has left pans on hot burners and forgotten them, he FREQUENTLY leaves the water running in the bathroom, and while we try to conserve water by not always flushing number 1, Jim will often leave number 2 unflushed and blame me when I ask about it. Not a big deal until you add it to the other digressions. He stopped driving anywhere alone in March of 2014. The date is etched in my memory because it was the last trip we took in our new RV. He now gets lost just going across the street to the supermarket….LOST….and has phoned me in a panic to get back, so I have been doing 100% of the driving.

Jim complains daily about the inability to SWALLOW food. Says his throat is dry even when he is drinking fluids. He sucks on lozenges 24/7 to alleviate the discomfort and will literally DRINK Biotene mouthwash.

He lately has been asking for and will eat Arby's French dip sandwiches because he can moisten the bread enough to swallow it….I didn't realize this was a symptom until reading about it on LBD.

 

August 28th
Jim tries to kill me after accusing me of having sex with a long dead friend. After suddenly slugging me in the mouth hard enough to knock my front teeth loose and knock me down, I ran into our bedroom, locked the door only to have him begin slamming into it repeatedly from the

other side until the hinges gave way and the whole door fell into the room. Jim had grabbed a large butcher knife from the kitchen and his eyes were dark, menacing and furious. He leaped towards me cowering on the far side of our king size bed shouting, "I'm going to kill you, bitch!" I jumped past him and managed to escape, my fear and shock becoming overwhelming as I drove away….The rest of this event is detailed at the beginning in my introduction…

 

September , 2016,

 

Yesterday I discovered he had locked me out of MY bank accounts, changing passwords and removing MY email address/phone as a contact and inserting his. Prior to his illness, he took care of paying bills, so I had always allowed access. What a mess…..

I am hoping the neurology appointment will provide an actual diagnosis to go with my observations. I need help with diffusing his anger before I get seriously hurt or killed. I do not have friends or even neighbors locally since we are rural and raise livestock. I feel so very alone and so very terrified….
 

Just updating for anyone following…..On September 14 I discovered that Jim had declined his Neurology appointment AND his MRI Brain scan had read as Normal, so any help that might have come from his doctor was not coming anytime soon.. He was still lapsing in and out of angry violent episodes replete with delusions, paranoia ( the latest being that he thinks I stole "all" his money and he managed to lock me out of MY bank accounts) and ongoing threats to me of physical harm. He has had the police out 3 more times where he called them, over hallucinations, ( once I wasn't even there) and each time he has told them that I beat him, nevermind that he outweighs me by about 70 pounds, is 6 foot tall and used to play pro football. Sadly, they seem to believe him and will talk to him and ignore me. I haven't been able to sleep, eat, relax or feel reasonably safe because I never know when he's going to lapse again. I decided I cannot live like this and have retained an attorney to get Jim moved into some sort of care. When he's acting rational, I feel just awful that I have had to choose this path, but when he lapses into Insane Violent Hatefilled guy, I start praying for the legal system to hurry up….

 

And Now, How The "System" Doesn't Work…. It's been a long while since I checked in, and for those following me, I do apologize. Major adjustments in my life are part of the reason and sheer exhaustion from the events with Jim. In September, Jim finally had an appointment to see a highly respected Neurologist in another city, FOUR hours driving, round trip. Of course, things being what they are, the whole thing fell apart when Jim awoke on the day of the appointment with a splitting headache, eye pain, and ultimately an inability to keep any food or liquid down as he couldn't stop vomiting. An emergency in ANY human being but even more dangerous in a man with health problems almost 70 years old. I pleaded with him to let me take him to the hospital and he refused, made his standard insane threats, and continued to get sicker. I completely forgot about the Neuro appt. in my concern over this latest development. About the time I decided to just call 911 and let them sort it out, Jim said he was frightened because he couldn't lie down to rest without dry heaving and MAYBE I should take him to the hospital. As I pulled into the Emergency entrance, Jim glared at me and told me to not even bother getting out of the car, because he would do all the talking so that I wouldn't try and say anything about him being (his word) "senile". I was exhausted, angry, worried and hurt, so I just agreed and essentially dropped him off and left. Maybe half an hour after I had gotten home, Jim called, completely frantic, said he was scared, they were giving him drugs and an IV and he didn't know why and would I please return. So…of course I did. When I arrived, Hospital personnel initially refused to allow me to go back to where Jim was. I explained that he had called, was frightened, and I believed was suffering from Dementia.

They immediately let me go back…they KNEW he was having some sort of mental issue, but he would not admit anything, so having me to answer questions was going to help. He ultimately was diagnosed with Acute Closed Angle Glaucoma, both eyes, although much worse in his left eye which was swelling with tremendously painful pressure. Our local hospital was not staffed that night with an eye expert, so they elected to ambulance Jim to a bigger hospital over an hour away. I went home again. At about 3 am, Jim called to say they were operating on his back. I was half asleep, but aware enough to realize that was unlikely. So I told him, no, they are operating on your eyes, to which he got furious and ordered me to stay out of it, that HE knew more about what was being done, etc, etc. Okay…fine. I went back to sleep. At FIVE AM the following morning, Jim called me to come pick him up. "Where are you?" I asked. He snapped back at me like I was an idiot…"I'm right where you brought me last night, at the hospital down the street from the house." I knew that was unlikely, and rather than argue with him, I got dressed and drove the hour down the hill to where they took him the night before. I found him out in the parking lot. He was yelling at me for taking so long. He had no discharge papers and no prescriptions, so I ignored his continuous barrage how they hadn't given him squat, marched up to the nurses station and after determining that he indeed had been given discharge papers and SEVERAL prescriptions, I went off just a bit on how in the Hell could they just release him into the street in his fragile condition when he was over an HOUR's drive from home. The nurse got flustered, said he told them he just lived down the street, so I said what about the address in his file, to which she showed me he had CHANGED it to an address he lived at EIGHTEEN YEARS previously, which literally was walking distance from their hospital. Joy. The next day, Jim's doctor called, upset about Jim missing the Neuro appt. I told him what happened and he got Jim scheduled with their top eye guy for the following week and said he'd reschedule Neuro. A few days later, I took Jim to the eye doctor. While he was waiting in the waiting area, I left for about 8 minutes to get us some cold sodas across the hall. When I returned, I tapped Jim on the shoulder and attempted to hand him a soda. He looked straight at me and said…"Who ARE YOU??? Do I know you??" I felt sick. His eye appointment went fine. Only later, when I tried to help him with all the eye drops, he decided I was trying to blind him. October 19th. Neurology finally got us in. I drove two hours one way while Jim berated me most of the drive. When we arrived, he was sure we were there for back surgery. When he realized he was not getting back surgery, he got so upset and livid, that the Neurologist thankfully took him away to an exam room without me. Hours passed. A few times I got bored and tried to listen at the door. They were asking him simple memory questions, none of which he answered correctly, and every few minutes he'd interrupt them to ask where the spine surgeon was, or to stop talking to Robin, or that his personal physician told him he has a mind like a steel trap and a 178 IQ. When they were done, they took him to the waiting room and proceeded to talk with me, but he stormed into the room and ordered them NOT to discuss him with me, that I was nothing more than his paid help. Fortunately, they realized he was in a fugue and they moved me to where he couldn't see us.

The Neurologist said he not only had some sort of very apparent Dementia, very likely Lewy Body, and he also had a serious Behavior issue. She noted all this into his medical record. They then prescribed Depakote and Donepezil. She also gave me a written statement to provide law enforcement should they get called again. How useless. I took Jim home, but the trip and the events had overwhelmed him and within moments of arriving home, he began accusing me of taking his money, holding him hostage, etc, etc, and he called the police. I had my brand new Neuro diagnosis, so when the officer arrived ( young guy, maybe 27) I tried to show it to him. Instead…he LOCKED ME in the back of his stupid patrol car and listened to Jim babble about all my whoring and thieving. Officer asks me to come with him to the house. Confronts both of us and to my completely and utter shock, says, " I'm sick and tired of being called out here to listen to your stupid little fights! When I fight with my girlfriend, NOBODY calls the cops. The next time I get called out to your address, I will be arresting both of you, so maybe then you'll learn a lesson." OMG!!! I felt completely screwed. Jim was laughing. I again tried to show the cop the medical diagnosis, to which he said, "That does not give you the right to call me out here for your little squabbles!" I said "But he can't help it, he's sick"….and I was again told to LEAVE MY HOME so Jim could cool off. Moral of this part of the story: Not all cops have been trained to recognize or understand Dementia. I was in sheer terror. I called Adult Protective Services for my area and got a wonderful, caring woman who, upon hearing what the cop had just done, immediately cross referenced the event into her computer which was hooked into law enforcement, indicated the Dementia, and called the Watch Commander for me. But I was still in a daily nightmare at home. I couldn't sleep, eat ( over three months I lost 20 pounds and I was skinny to begin with) my hair began falling out, and I had very dark thoughts. I finally called a friend who was a retired criminal defense lawyer. He gave me very specific instructions on what to do, including referring me to a local attorney who handled this type of problem. On October 27th, the attorney's office served Jim with a Restraining Order that required him to immediately vacate the house until a court date that was a week away.
 

Jim had NO idea what it was, he decided it was a "paper to steal his money". When the cops came to enforce it, Jim ultimately attacked them, crashed my truck into my other vehicle and was finally arrested on a CA 5150, a 72 hour psychiatric hold. They asked me to pack his pills, his personal toiletry items, a couple of changes of clothing including clothes appropriate for court. I did and off they went. At 5 am the next morning, I got a call from the department. He had become so erratic and disturbed that they decided the hold was unsafe and transferred him to a psychiatric hospital nearly 5 hours away from me. Jim called me on the third day away, asking me to bring his computer so he could call a lawyer. I actually was about to agree when he suddenly screamed at me to quit beating him bloody and stealing his money. I hung up. Life is just too short. A month goes by. I am getting the bills for his hospitalization in the mail ( addressed to him) and they, at just 30 days, total $197, 000. One hundred and ninety-seven THOUSAND dollars. I naturally assume he is getting some sort of value for this kind of expenditure. Hah. On November 30, the hospital called to tell me that FOUR of Jim's psych doctors had all signed off on Jim and they would be releasing him the following day. "Releasing? Releasing where? To whose care?…wait….what?" I was then told that Jim was just FINE, that he only had a minor Bi-Polar problem, easily controlled with meds, and the following day they were going to drop him off at a motel with his meager little bag of clothing and meds. I begged. I pleaded. I called Social Services. The hospital told me that if their FOUR doctors had determined Jim was fine, then Jim was fine. Nothing I said mattered. I begged them to talk to Jim's OWN doctors. Nope. The next day, they took him to a motel. Jim began calling me. I couldn't bring myself to answer. I was physically sick. Eventually he began texting me. The texts started almost normal, then they went downhill, becoming gibberish. Then he texted me he lost his debit card, which was his only access to any money. Then I suspect he lost his phone because the texting stopped.

THREE AM IN THE MORNING December 1st….I was sound asleep in my bed. My dogs were bundled up on the bed with me. Something woke me up, then I noticed lights moving around INSIDE the front room of MY house and heard voices. Suddenly, my bedroom door burst open and there stood FOUR ARMED POLICE OFFICERS GUNS DRAWN. They shone a ridiculously bright light into my eyes and told me to come of the bedroom, and then outside. It was SEVENTEEN DEGREES outside. I asked if I could put on a robe. Yes. They made me walk outside on my frozen patio where I stood shivering. "Do you know where Jim is?" Well….and I told them last I heard he was 5 hours away, but had been released earlier that day. Actually, they had Jim. They found him ON THE FREEWAY wearing only his UNDERPANTS and sandals in 17 degree windy freezing weather. He told them he had just killed me. So they broke into my home to check on my welfare. They were dumbfounded that Jim had been released because they said it was very apparent he had Dementia… $197,000 and this was the result…. So Jim was returned ultimately to the same psychiatric hospital that released him after being checked out by assorted doctors for potential frostbite and a possible cardiac episode. The idiot administrator that had called to tell me they were releasing him, called me again and said, ( and I swear he said this) "Jim is back here….he seems very confused. Do you know why he was sent back here?" The guy literally had NO idea why Jim was back in his care. I said there must be a police report, Nope,….they aren't allowed to see police reports. So I gave him the short version of what had happened. And then I couldn't help myself because I was agonizing over Jim being outside in freezing weather practically naked, I let the guy have a piece of my mind, told him that I was contacting my attorney to sue him and the hospital for negligence because they REFUSED to actually speak with Jim's real doctors. Of course I never followed through and the end result was the guy stopped calling me, so I had to call them to find out that Jim remained there for three more months and then was sent to another hospital in the area. In the meantime, they still have not assigned a Public Guardian, they still have not accessed his SSA , and they STILL haven't contacted his doctors. Update! The Office Of Public Guardian for the county called. She wanted to know WHY Jim needed one, because as far as she could tell, he was just fine and should be released on his own. So I regurgitated the whole story as succinctly as possible. She then told me that Jim was telling everyone that he graduated from Law School and had been a practicing attorney and he was threatening to sue them if they didn't release. Uh…no….Jim never went to law school. He was a CPA and stock jockey. That was last month. They still haven't assigned him to Public Guardian, he is still in a psychiatric hospital.