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 Mom's home from rehab 
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Joined: Fri Jan 15, 2010 9:33 pm
Posts: 3426
Location: Vermont
Post Re: Mom's home from rehab
It is very hard when you see your dad so desparately doing everything he can to make things right, when you know it is not going to go the way he wants it to. BTDT myself. All you can do is support him the best you can, knowing that you have to take care of yourself and your own family as well. No one can make him accept the reality of the situation - he has to be ready on his own and it is so painful to watch.
Would it help if he were to join this forum? Perhaps through the stories of others he might find some comfort and support, and that might help him wrap his head around the reality of the situation? Perhaps some of the CG books that have been suggested on various threads?
When my mother was in the hospital dying, my dad was out getting wheelchairs and such for "when she came home". I was trying to deal with the drs.and her medical condition, spending almost 24/7 at the hospital, with no help from my dad or sister. No matter how gently (or not) I tried to impress upon him that she was not going to ever come home again, he would not accept it. A few hours before she died he was at the hospital for a few minutes and said he was leaving to take an elderly friend home. I told him NOT to leave and he said he'd just be a few minutes, what was wrong with that? I said point blank "because she's dying and could die any minute now, do you really want to be gone or do you want to be with her and the rest of the family?" He finally accepted the reality of her situation only an hour or less before she died.
Sorry for rambling on with my own story. Lynn

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Lynn, daughter of 89 year old dad dx with possiblity of LBD, CBD, PSP, FTD, ALS, Vascular Dementia, AD, etc., died Nov. 30, 2010 after living in ALF for 18 months.


Sat Jun 02, 2012 9:36 am
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Joined: Fri Jan 13, 2012 11:51 am
Posts: 43
Post Re: Mom's home from rehab
Oh Lynn,
Thank you so much for sharing your heart felt story! I fell that is where I'm at! I live 40 miles away, have a job, husband, 2 kids. Since I can't be there everyday, I am handling all the adminstrative/logistical stuff for dad...dr. appointments, scheduling care givers, meetings with elder care lawyers, equipment purchases, etc. Trying to relieve him of as much stress as I can. But of course that opens up another can of worms....some of these decisions I can't make for him. We saw an elder care lawyer the other day. He explained how he could protect dad's assetts if mom were to go into a SNF, but can't do anything to help with homecare. I can present him with the financial options, but only he can decide what he can handle emotionally. My brother and I will support whatever decision he makes, but we can't make it for him, so i think he is choosing to just go day to day.

I do think he would benefit from this forum, but he is not tech-savy....willing to bet the cell phone I got him a year ago sits in the glove compartment with the charger has never been used! I called his primary MD for a counseling referral, hoping to get an appointment next week for him.

I did get the chance to see them on Friday. Mom is resisting getting out of bed all the time now, even to use the bedside commode. PT is only doing range of motion exercises. The PCA's are (almost) forcing her to get up and sit in the chair for a few hours a day. As difficult as it was to see her that way, seeing my dad's pain was so much worse.

Thank you all for your support! I wish dad was computer literate so he could benefit from all your stories as I have!
~Heidi


Sun Jun 03, 2012 10:06 am
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Joined: Fri Jan 15, 2010 9:33 pm
Posts: 3426
Location: Vermont
Post Re: Mom's home from rehab
Heidi - do you think it would help your dad if you printed out some entries on the forum and showed them to him? It's not like being involved, but perhaps something someone on here has said would help him. Just an idea..... I was a CG from afar too, 500 miles away from where my parents lived. It was really, really difficult and I spent a lot of time travelling to take care of things when my dad became infirm, which took away from my own family. Luckily my husband was very supportive and my kids were older - 1 in college & 1 who'd already graduated and on his own. But most of my life for several years was devoted to CGing. It was exhausting and I still have a stress-related heart condition as a result, that will never go away, but it is better now. It is SO important to take care of yourself. Lynn

_________________
Lynn, daughter of 89 year old dad dx with possiblity of LBD, CBD, PSP, FTD, ALS, Vascular Dementia, AD, etc., died Nov. 30, 2010 after living in ALF for 18 months.


Sun Jun 03, 2012 10:19 am
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Joined: Fri Jan 13, 2012 11:51 am
Posts: 43
Post Re: Mom's home from rehab
I will definitely try that Lynn! I ordered him a couple recommended books a while ago, but he hasn't read them. My kids are a bit younger (13 & 15), and my husband has been very helpful with their care while I'm helping my parents. Happy to be spending some quality time with them today!

Words cannot express how much all the support from this board has helped me (and helped me help dad) through this journey none of us wanted to take.

~heidi


Sun Jun 03, 2012 3:55 pm
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