Thank you all, once again. These moments spent digesting your thoughtful replies are precious. I have made my peace with the fact that the man I married started slipping away almost ten years ago. He has gradually been replaced by a stranger who increasingly feels free to vent his misery and dependency on me. I care lovingly for this stranger in memory of the loving man I married almost fifty years ago. I pray his body will follow his intelligence, he would be so distressed at what he has become.
I have learned to beware of family conferences. The kids' reality with their dad is so different from mine I don't want to be ganged up on, nor do I want to back them into a stubborn position that leaves us worse off than we are. I'm considering having my MD write me formally re her recommendation regarding my health. I am also considering having my own sibs discuss this with their nieces and nephews. My sibs are solidly behind me.
It all seems so devious, but the straightforward approach has been a disaster.

I am so sorry about your kids, but thank goodness you have your siblings' support. Some people don't come to grips with reality until it is too late, but you can only do so much. You cannot change their minds, and it sounds like you've done everything humanly possible to help your kids understand what is going on with both of their parents.
Forge ahead doing what you need to do and don't worry about others. It is you and your husband that are most important right now and you don't have energy to waste on people who are unable or unwilling to see what is really happening. You have lots of support here too, from people who have been there, done that. Wishing you all the best, knowing how difficult it is. Lynn

To answer your question: I visited the Assisted living facility [ALF] that hospice initially recommended and was very impressed. While I was not lifting him, etc. I was going downhill quickly and becoming a person that I could not stand. Living with dementia is crazy-making. This disease has brought out the worst in me. We have been living with it for at least 15 years and it has taken a toll on me and him and our 30 year marriage. I don't feel like I will ever recover. I just turned 66 and he is 70. Feels like we have been cheated. He has been in the ALF a little over 2 weeks now, and I am still happy with the place. I do hope you will give yourself permission to do whatever it takes to keep yourself healthy.
Blessings,
Roxanne
"There is bad in the best of us and good in the worst of us." ~ author unknown

Well folks, I waived the space when the facility called. I just can't deal with the hostility and anger placing him would cause. But I have decided to take off two weeks minimum every other month. Another space will come up, and I intend to keep myself semi-sane and my kids actively dealing with what I go through. I suspect a few months of truly covering his behavior, not showing up part-time like now--that will be different. I'll keep you posted.

Excellent, Challenged! I love the plan to take off 2 weeks out of every 8. The respite may help you cope better the other 6 weeks, and will certainly give your children a more grounded perspective.

Please keep us informed on how this goes. I'm hoping very hard for good results.

You've made a great compromise, and I think that your family won't be long realising just how difficult things are when they have to do 2 full weeks of caregivng, and they will change their attitudes. Make sure you stick to your guns and go away like you say you will.
Best of luck,
Ger x

I hope the plan works!

Best of luck to you! I am already thinking of bringing him back home and regretting I am not stronger...