Dad is sick now, so last night he asked me to go help put Mom to bed and make sure her C-PAP gets put on (for sleep apnea). He's very concerned about that C-PAP. He wants to believe it's helping to slow down the progression of the dementia, but I don't think anything will help at this point. When I told him that, it upset him. Anyway, maybe now that he's sick he'll realize it's a good thing Mom is not at home. I've also learned that although he's made 2 monthly payments to the facility and has a bill for a third month, he's yet to receive compensation through her long-term care insurance. I've gotten involved now and called them today. They said they've received no invoices from the facility, but the facility says they've faxed them twice. I think part of Dad's desire to move her home is his frustration over this whole mess. Maybe if I take over and get this taken care of, he'll stop thinking about moving her out.

Your parents are fortunate to have you!

God bless you!

During my first year as a caregiver, I found the paperwork aspects, especially dealing with insurance, extremely frustrating and stressful. If someone could have taken that over for me I would have been extremely grateful. If you can take that over for your dad I think that would be a wonderful gift.

I told him earlier today that I'd get it cleared up for him. I said that I'll be so persistent they'll want to clear it up just to get me to stop calling them. I knew he was concerned about it, but I didn't realize the extent of the problem until yesterday.

Your dad and I seem to have a similarly difficult time with letting go. When you've directly cared for and lived with someone, it is hard to believe that anyone else can care for your LO as well as you have. Recently, though, I have heard from my family, the staff and the NP that I need to calm down about this whole thing. My worry over whether Mom is accepting being in a dementia unit is making things worse for her. She picks up on my worry and gets more anxious herself.

Your dad might benefit from some counseling, as I hope I am benefiting. I think it is helping me calm down and so making things less tense for Mom. If your dad isn't interested in a formal counseling session, maybe a member of the clergy could help. What actually got through to me was that my worry communicated itself to Mom and made her worry more.

Something Craig wrote a while ago really resonates with me. Craig, forgive me if I get this wrong, but I think it was something like:

"If you are calm, I am calm."

That has become very important to me and kind of a mantra I use just before I visit Mom. Maybe it will help your dad.

Kate

Kate, I know exactly what you mean.
A nurse said to me ' how does your family feel about your obsession with caring for your Dad.' That was a wake-up call.

I still have times when I think 'they don't/can't look after Dad as well as I could'. I know he is in the best place where he has professional 24 hr care, and the majority of the staff is lovely. I think it is part of my nature -a control freak - that noone can do anything as well as I can. Its very difficult to let go and allow someone else to do what you have always done. I hope councelling helps you as much as it has me. It has not been easy, - some days I struggle more than others - but I have learned to stand back a little and let others do the hard work and try to enjoy what little quality time I can with Dad.
God Bless,
Ger xx

I have progressed a bit, I think. I'm more than happy to let the aides deal with Mom's diapers...

Kate

yep, that sure is one thing I don't have a problem letting them do !! No problem with the control freak there

Wow, Craig and Kate. Wise and true and useful words for us all!!!

Thank you for sharing them.
Pat

Well, I got the insurance mess straightened out. The care home had accidentally "faxed" the invoices to the insurance company's regular line without realizing it (she didn't wait to make sure it went through). Dad should get a check for two months next week.

He is having a terrible time letting go of his caretaking responsibilities, for two reasons, I think. One is that he's lonely. This gives him a sense of purpose as well as gets him around people. He's never been very social. Mom was the social one, and he just went along....reluctantly. I think the other reason is that he can be impatient and feels like this is his "penance", in a way, for being less than patient with Mom before she got sick. Not that he was ever abusive or anything--just irritable.

His doctor is concerned with him because he's clearly depressed and is losing weight cooking for himself--a lot of canned soup, I think. I want to have him over for dinner more often--every night if I could, but it's hard because my husband gets home at 6:30, and my dad wants to be with Mom to help put her to bed by 7:00. Also, the only way into my house involves stairs, and those are hard for him. Going to his house to cook isn't practical. I have to think about this some more and do some problem solving.

Can't he eat with your mother? A lot of facilities permit that.

Is Meals on Wheels available for him once a day?

Microwavable frozen meals might be more substantial than canned soup. Could/would he handle that?

Maybe when you cook your own dinner you could make enough for him and either saran wrap a plate or put a portion in a microwave safe container for him to reheat the next day. That way he is eating a home cooked meal instead of soup, and if you give it to him for his next days meal it doesn't interfere with the time constraints.
Just a suggestion.
Ellen

I have all but begged him to take advantage of Meals on Wheels or to eat at the care facility with Mom, but he is very resistant. Right now the thought of adding to my load of responsibilities to make daily deliveries of leftovers to him makes me want to cry, but if that's what it takes to keep him fed properly, I guess that's what I'll have to do. I'd have time after I put my son to bed at night. I'll suggest more frozen meals to him. I'm not sure why he doesn't do that. Maybe he just needs the idea. I wonder if he even has room in his freezer. It probably needs to be cleaned out of old food. I can add that to my list of "shoulds."