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 Moved my mom to assisted living today 
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Joined: Fri May 28, 2010 4:46 pm
Posts: 119
Location: Salem, Oregon
Post Re: Moved my mom to assisted living today
Dad is sick now, so last night he asked me to go help put Mom to bed and make sure her C-PAP gets put on (for sleep apnea). He's very concerned about that C-PAP. He wants to believe it's helping to slow down the progression of the dementia, but I don't think anything will help at this point. When I told him that, it upset him. Anyway, maybe now that he's sick he'll realize it's a good thing Mom is not at home. I've also learned that although he's made 2 monthly payments to the facility and has a bill for a third month, he's yet to receive compensation through her long-term care insurance. I've gotten involved now and called them today. They said they've received no invoices from the facility, but the facility says they've faxed them twice. I think part of Dad's desire to move her home is his frustration over this whole mess. Maybe if I take over and get this taken care of, he'll stop thinking about moving her out.


Tue Nov 01, 2011 3:13 pm
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Joined: Fri Aug 11, 2006 1:46 pm
Posts: 4811
Location: SF Bay Area (Northern CA)
Post Re: Moved my mom to assisted living today
Your parents are fortunate to have you!


Tue Nov 01, 2011 3:30 pm
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Joined: Wed Dec 30, 2009 1:46 pm
Posts: 3213
Location: WA
Post Re: Moved my mom to assisted living today
God bless you!

_________________
Pat [68] married to Derek [84] for 38 years; husband dx PDD/LBD 2005, probably began 2002 or earlier; late stage and in a SNF as of January 2011. Hospitalized 11/2/2013 and discharged to home Hospice. Passed away at home on 11/9/2013.


Tue Nov 01, 2011 4:02 pm
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Joined: Fri Dec 31, 2010 3:07 pm
Posts: 1039
Location: Minnesota
Post Re: Moved my mom to assisted living today
During my first year as a caregiver, I found the paperwork aspects, especially dealing with insurance, extremely frustrating and stressful. If someone could have taken that over for me I would have been extremely grateful. If you can take that over for your dad I think that would be a wonderful gift.

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Jeanne, 68 cared for husband Coy, 86. RBD for 30+ years; LDB since 2003, Coy at home, in early stage, until death in 2012


Tue Nov 01, 2011 4:58 pm
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Joined: Fri May 28, 2010 4:46 pm
Posts: 119
Location: Salem, Oregon
Post Re: Moved my mom to assisted living today
I told him earlier today that I'd get it cleared up for him. I said that I'll be so persistent they'll want to clear it up just to get me to stop calling them. I knew he was concerned about it, but I didn't realize the extent of the problem until yesterday.


Wed Nov 02, 2011 12:22 am
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Joined: Tue Dec 29, 2009 2:28 pm
Posts: 464
Location: Minnesota
Post Re: Moved my mom to assisted living today
Your dad and I seem to have a similarly difficult time with letting go. When you've directly cared for and lived with someone, it is hard to believe that anyone else can care for your LO as well as you have. Recently, though, I have heard from my family, the staff and the NP that I need to calm down about this whole thing. My worry over whether Mom is accepting being in a dementia unit is making things worse for her. She picks up on my worry and gets more anxious herself.

Your dad might benefit from some counseling, as I hope I am benefiting. I think it is helping me calm down and so making things less tense for Mom. If your dad isn't interested in a formal counseling session, maybe a member of the clergy could help. What actually got through to me was that my worry communicated itself to Mom and made her worry more.

Something Craig wrote a while ago really resonates with me. Craig, forgive me if I get this wrong, but I think it was something like:

"If you are calm, I am calm."

That has become very important to me and kind of a mantra I use just before I visit Mom. Maybe it will help your dad.

Kate

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Kate [i](Cared for Mom for years before anyone else noticed the symptoms, but the last year of her life was rough and we needed to place her in an SNF, where she passed in February 2012)[/i]


Wed Nov 02, 2011 9:04 am
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Joined: Mon Feb 21, 2011 9:55 pm
Posts: 355
Post Re: Moved my mom to assisted living today
Kate, I know exactly what you mean.
A nurse said to me ' how does your family feel about your obsession with caring for your Dad.' That was a wake-up call.

I still have times when I think 'they don't/can't look after Dad as well as I could'. I know he is in the best place where he has professional 24 hr care, and the majority of the staff is lovely. I think it is part of my nature -a control freak - that noone can do anything as well as I can. Its very difficult to let go and allow someone else to do what you have always done. I hope councelling helps you as much as it has me. It has not been easy, - some days I struggle more than others - but I have learned to stand back a little and let others do the hard work and try to enjoy what little quality time I can with Dad.
God Bless,
Ger xx

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cared for Dad who passed away on January 28th 2013 R.I.P.


Wed Nov 02, 2011 11:02 am
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Joined: Tue Dec 29, 2009 2:28 pm
Posts: 464
Location: Minnesota
Post Re: Moved my mom to assisted living today
I have progressed a bit, I think. I'm more than happy to let the aides deal with Mom's diapers... 8)

Kate

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Kate [i](Cared for Mom for years before anyone else noticed the symptoms, but the last year of her life was rough and we needed to place her in an SNF, where she passed in February 2012)[/i]


Thu Nov 03, 2011 12:10 pm
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Joined: Mon Feb 21, 2011 9:55 pm
Posts: 355
Post Re: Moved my mom to assisted living today
:lol: yep, that sure is one thing I don't have a problem letting them do !! No problem with the control freak there :lol:

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cared for Dad who passed away on January 28th 2013 R.I.P.


Thu Nov 03, 2011 2:14 pm
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Joined: Sun Jun 24, 2007 5:35 pm
Posts: 343
Post Re: Moved my mom to assisted living today
katelu wrote:

"If you are calm, I am calm."

Kate

Wow, Craig and Kate. Wise and true and useful words for us all!!!

Thank you for sharing them.
Pat

_________________
Pat Snyder, husband John, dx LBD 2007
Author of [i]Treasures in the Darkness: Extending Early Stage of LBD...[i][/i] [url]http://www.amazon.com/Treasures-Darkness-Extending-Alzheimers-Parkinsons/dp/1466428228/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1334092686&sr=8-1[/url]


Thu Nov 03, 2011 9:09 pm
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Joined: Fri May 28, 2010 4:46 pm
Posts: 119
Location: Salem, Oregon
Post Re: Moved my mom to assisted living today
Well, I got the insurance mess straightened out. The care home had accidentally "faxed" the invoices to the insurance company's regular line without realizing it (she didn't wait to make sure it went through). Dad should get a check for two months next week.

He is having a terrible time letting go of his caretaking responsibilities, for two reasons, I think. One is that he's lonely. This gives him a sense of purpose as well as gets him around people. He's never been very social. Mom was the social one, and he just went along....reluctantly. I think the other reason is that he can be impatient and feels like this is his "penance", in a way, for being less than patient with Mom before she got sick. Not that he was ever abusive or anything--just irritable.

His doctor is concerned with him because he's clearly depressed and is losing weight cooking for himself--a lot of canned soup, I think. I want to have him over for dinner more often--every night if I could, but it's hard because my husband gets home at 6:30, and my dad wants to be with Mom to help put her to bed by 7:00. Also, the only way into my house involves stairs, and those are hard for him. Going to his house to cook isn't practical. I have to think about this some more and do some problem solving.


Tue Nov 08, 2011 10:33 pm
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Joined: Wed Dec 30, 2009 1:46 pm
Posts: 3213
Location: WA
Post Re: Moved my mom to assisted living today
Can't he eat with your mother? A lot of facilities permit that.

_________________
Pat [68] married to Derek [84] for 38 years; husband dx PDD/LBD 2005, probably began 2002 or earlier; late stage and in a SNF as of January 2011. Hospitalized 11/2/2013 and discharged to home Hospice. Passed away at home on 11/9/2013.


Wed Nov 09, 2011 1:05 am
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Joined: Fri Dec 31, 2010 3:07 pm
Posts: 1039
Location: Minnesota
Post Re: Moved my mom to assisted living today
Is Meals on Wheels available for him once a day?

Microwavable frozen meals might be more substantial than canned soup. Could/would he handle that?

_________________
Jeanne, 68 cared for husband Coy, 86. RBD for 30+ years; LDB since 2003, Coy at home, in early stage, until death in 2012


Wed Nov 09, 2011 2:38 am
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Joined: Mon Feb 14, 2011 10:22 pm
Posts: 188
Location: Portland, Or
Post Re: Moved my mom to assisted living today
Maybe when you cook your own dinner you could make enough for him and either saran wrap a plate or put a portion in a microwave safe container for him to reheat the next day. That way he is eating a home cooked meal instead of soup, and if you give it to him for his next days meal it doesn't interfere with the time constraints.
Just a suggestion. 8)
Ellen

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Ellen 59, caregiver for mom Marion 81,dx LBD Feb 2011


Wed Nov 09, 2011 12:12 pm
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Joined: Fri May 28, 2010 4:46 pm
Posts: 119
Location: Salem, Oregon
Post Re: Moved my mom to assisted living today
I have all but begged him to take advantage of Meals on Wheels or to eat at the care facility with Mom, but he is very resistant. Right now the thought of adding to my load of responsibilities to make daily deliveries of leftovers to him makes me want to cry, but if that's what it takes to keep him fed properly, I guess that's what I'll have to do. I'd have time after I put my son to bed at night. I'll suggest more frozen meals to him. I'm not sure why he doesn't do that. Maybe he just needs the idea. I wonder if he even has room in his freezer. It probably needs to be cleaned out of old food. I can add that to my list of "shoulds." :|


Wed Nov 09, 2011 9:27 pm
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