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 Conflict among siblings 
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Joined: Wed Dec 30, 2009 1:46 pm
Posts: 3213
Location: WA
Post Re: Conflict among siblings
I guess we're all different, Nan. My daughter gave me an exercise bike and I love it! I ride it while talking on the phone and sometimes while reading a book. That and Pilates exercises [though I am frequently interrupted] have been a godsend to me even though I don't particularly enjoy them. I am much stronger and feel a lot better about myself. My kayak sits lonely and unused in the garage, though, and it may never see action again.

Hope you get some time to do what you want to do. Time is SO precious, isn't it? When I put him to bed at night I sigh with relief and finally have time to myself but know that sleep is even more precious so I go to bed, although I do read for 1/2 hr.

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Pat [68] married to Derek [84] for 38 years; husband dx PDD/LBD 2005, probably began 2002 or earlier; late stage and in a SNF as of January 2011. Hospitalized 11/2/2013 and discharged to home Hospice. Passed away at home on 11/9/2013.


Sat Sep 18, 2010 8:51 pm
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Joined: Sat Jul 31, 2010 5:28 pm
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Post Re: Conflict among siblings
I want to be able to go back to the gym. I have 2 mornings a week when Del is at a Day Health program that I use for shopping, doctor's appointments, seeing friends, getting my nails done.....if I can manage a third morning, I will try to get some Gym time in. Doing anything at home is impossible because he's like a toddler and wants all my attention. And I don't do well with interuptions. It just doesn't work for me. I go to the gym and get on the track and I just get into some kind of a Zen state. It is a great experience. I miss it a lot. We used to go 5 days a week. Nan


Sat Sep 18, 2010 9:08 pm
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Joined: Sat Jan 03, 2009 2:59 pm
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Post Re: Conflict among siblings
Nan,
I hope you able to find some gym time as it not only helps with the physical end ( No pun intended ) but also the emotional stress that caregivers go through.

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Irene Selak


Sun Sep 19, 2010 8:51 am
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Joined: Mon Feb 14, 2011 10:22 pm
Posts: 190
Location: Portland, Or
Post Re: Conflict among siblings
I wasn't sure if I should start a new thread for this or not ( not sure if there are "rules" about length of time between posts? or keeping them current), just ignore me if I sound frazzled. I am. :lol:
I am one of 10 siblings ( 2 deceased), and have lived with my mom for the past 8 years, since my youngest child graduated from high school and moved to another city. I worked in a cardiology office until 3 years ago, and 6 months after I quit my job, my mom started needed a caregiver. Instead of looking for another MA job (which pays better,BTW) I became a CG for her part time and had another client part time until my mom started showing more Lewy's symptoms a year ago, now I take care of her full time. All of my siblings are mostly supportive but I have had a couple complain because I get paid for taking care of her, they don't seem to "get it" that if I wasn't taking caring of her I would be working somewhere so I would be able to support myself. Of course the two who have complained are "disabled" and on SSI (I won't even go there!!). :x
On Monday when I brought my mom home from the hospital I personally asked my two nephews to not come over for a few days until we got mom settled because too many people running in and out confuses her more. My sister has been staying with us for about 6 months to "help" me but she doesn't help so I had already asked her to leave when she gets her disability check in October. Three hours after I asked my nephews (one is her son age 21, the other is my youngest brother's son, age 28) to leave, I walked by her bedroom ( at 10:00 at night) and they are both still there and when I asked her why she told me they were spending the night! The condensed version is that we got into a shouting match of which I'm very ashamed , and I ended up leaving for an hour to calm down. Another sister is staying here for a week to help me ( thank God) so she was able to sit with mom.
My brother's son left the next morning at 11:00 when they all crawled out of bed ( the "boys' slept on her floor), but then she told me that her son was staying for as long as she wanted him here to "support" her. The condensed version of this one is that when I talked to my oldest brother and told him that she was causing a hostile environment and making it impossible for me to take care of mom, but it "upsets her too much" to do it herself, he called the elder abuse people and an investigator had to come out to get my nephew to leave. It was way more involved than I've written, but the bottom line is ...... why does this have to be so hard? This particular sister has many "issues" and opposes me at every move. When I asked her to read the book I have about LBD she said she "doesn't care what any book or forum about LBD says, she cares about her sick mother" and isn't interested in learning about the disease or ways to help mom cope with mom's condition.
I actually told the investigator that there was no reason to talk to my nephew as he was only doing what his mother told him to do and I understand that. I actually talked to the kid yesterday and he told me he was very uncomfortable being here at all but his mom kept insisting that he stay. And of course after talking to my sister for an hour, the investigator completely understood why we wanted her and her "entourage" out of here. Even my poor mom told him she didn't want her here as she is so disruptive, and it breaks my heart to see her put in that position.
The other sister who is here from out of town happened to have a friend who was looking for a room mate so the one who causes all the chaos is moving out this weekend, yay!!! :lol: i told my (sane) sister " Don't you dare warn your friend, let's just get her out of here because once she's gone she can't come back, but until she leaves on her own the only way I can make her leave is to start an eviction process, which could take months". I feel bad for the friend, but she does already know all of us and should know what she's getting in to.
I think I just needed to vent and after reading Lynn and Kate's posts, I knew they would empathize. Just reading their posts made me feel better because I know I'm not the only one who is going through this or has "been there, done that".
Once again, I am so grateful this forum is here because without it I wouldn't have anyone to talk to about all of these issues. I can't get out of the house much because I can't leave Mom alone. All four of my sisters are going to start taking turns coming over one afternoon a week so I can get out of the house for a few hours, so that will help. I just won't plan anything important on the flaky one's day to be here because she may or may not actually show up! :roll:
Elllen

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Ellen 59, caregiver for mom Marion 81,dx LBD Feb 2011


Sat Sep 17, 2011 1:10 pm
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Joined: Fri Jan 15, 2010 9:33 pm
Posts: 3334
Location: Vermont
Post Re: Conflict among siblings
Ellen - I'm so sorry for what you are going through. When my dad first started needing a lot of care I remarked to a friend that she was very lucky she was from a big family so all the siblings could share in the care of their mom when she became ill. My friend said "don't think that more siblings is better. If you have more than 1 and none of them help out, then it's even more frustrating." Apparently she was almost solely responsible for taking care of her mom when she was very ill for about 6 months, commuting from New England to Florida and finally having to hire an air ambulance to bring the mom back. She could relate so well to you!
I hope you are able to get help from at least a few others and that goes well for your mom. What a nightmare, having to call in the "big guns" to get the disruptive family members out. I'm sure it was painful for you to have to do that.
Big hug, Lynn

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Lynn, daughter of 89 year old dad dx with possiblity of LBD, CBD, PSP, FTD, ALS, Vascular Dementia, AD, etc., died Nov. 30, 2010 after living in ALF for 18 months.


Sat Sep 17, 2011 4:28 pm
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Joined: Mon Feb 14, 2011 10:22 pm
Posts: 190
Location: Portland, Or
Post Re: Conflict among siblings
Thanks again Lynn, you're always so understanding. :P Most of my sibs are very helpful even if they can't be here physically, they support me emotionally. It's just that the "problem children" cause so much havoc that it gets overwhelming at times and it hurts me that we can't all put aside our differences for my mom's sake. My sister did get moved out today and I feel a noticeable difference in the weight on my shoulders!
Ellen

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Ellen 59, caregiver for mom Marion 81,dx LBD Feb 2011


Sat Sep 17, 2011 9:12 pm
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Joined: Fri Aug 11, 2006 1:46 pm
Posts: 4811
Location: SF Bay Area (Northern CA)
Post Re: Conflict among siblings
Ellen,
Does the disturbed sister have a key to your place? What a stressful situation. Hope it calms down soon.
Robin


Sun Sep 18, 2011 12:31 pm
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Joined: Mon Feb 14, 2011 10:22 pm
Posts: 190
Location: Portland, Or
Post Re: Conflict among siblings
I'm enjoying the peace and quiet of a Sunday afternoon in a very calm, quiet house.
The sister who was causing the problems is moved out and will bring me keys on Wednesday. If she doesn't bring them by next weekend my brother will change the lock
on the front door. He was thinking of changing the deadbolt on it anyway to the keyed on both sides type just as extra security on mom not being able to"escape" when she's confused, and that will solve both problems.
The other sister also went home this morning, and even though she was very helpful and I enjoyed having her here, it's nice to have things back to normal.
My mom is recovering nicely from her recent hospitalization and even her cognition is better. She was making a grocery list for me yesterday, and she hasn't done that in months! I had to laugh at her this morning because my oldest sister was visiting (remember there are 5 of 6 sisters living) and mom says " I don't know what happened, but I think something happened to the gene pool after Ellen", because the ones who have always caused all of the problems in our family are the 4 youngest. :lol:
It's been interesting growing up in such a large family because while I'm the 6th of 10, I'm also an oldest daughter, as my father was married and had three children before he & my mother got married., so my half- sisters are 8 & 9 years older than me. My parents had custody of the three older kids from the time they were toddlers so we were all raised together, but I find it fascinating how much birth order plays in our personalities, because I definitely act like an oldest daughter! ..Another story, another time..........
Thanks for all of your support,
Ellen

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Ellen 59, caregiver for mom Marion 81,dx LBD Feb 2011


Last edited by empritchard on Sun Sep 18, 2011 10:27 pm, edited 1 time in total.



Sun Sep 18, 2011 6:04 pm
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Joined: Fri Jan 15, 2010 9:33 pm
Posts: 3334
Location: Vermont
Post Re: Conflict among siblings
Ellen - Your mom sounds like she still has some insightful moments! I laughed when I read what she said about the gene pool!
Glad you had some time to get back to your new normal, Ellen, and I hope things stay calmer for you. And, I hope you continue to get moral (as well as physical) support from at least a sibling or two in the future. The few times my sister actually did helpful things while my dad was still alive were so noticed and appreciated, especially since she was often doing more harm than good. Most of the time I'd have to settle for hoping she didn't do anything that required me to go and fix what she'd "broken" in addition to my other responsibilities. Lynn

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Lynn, daughter of 89 year old dad dx with possiblity of LBD, CBD, PSP, FTD, ALS, Vascular Dementia, AD, etc., died Nov. 30, 2010 after living in ALF for 18 months.


Sun Sep 18, 2011 7:07 pm
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Joined: Tue Dec 29, 2009 2:28 pm
Posts: 464
Location: Minnesota
Post Re: Conflict among siblings
Ellen, sorry I wasn't on this weekend to help. And I'm so glad that things are back to as normal as they can be.

Suggestion: change the locks, whether your sister returns the keys or not. She could tell herself that it's for your mom's good and get the keys duplicated before she returns them. I hate to think that siblings can be so devious, but I know better. I have a sister who believes that if no one knows she's done something, it's OK.

Even the best of siblings can become a burden at times. The sister I deem most capable has taken a new job here, moved her family (staying with me until they can find a house) and is picking up some of the time we spend with Mom. I'm trying to sell my house, but don't even want to put it on the market with her, her husband and her 20 year old son (student) staying here. I don't think I have to tell many what a 20 year old can do to his bedroom to make it unshowable. Thank God they made an offer on a house this weekend! They believe they are helping me get the house ready to sell, but all this help is going to be the death of me.

I've got to tell you that I really admire your strength in clearing the house of helpful people. I have a tendency to do the opposite and take on more trouble and then wonder how I got myself in that position. So one big "atta girl" to you! :P

Kate

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Kate [i](Cared for Mom for years before anyone else noticed the symptoms, but the last year of her life was rough and we needed to place her in an SNF, where she passed in February 2012)[/i]


Mon Sep 19, 2011 11:30 am
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Joined: Mon Feb 14, 2011 10:22 pm
Posts: 190
Location: Portland, Or
Post Re: Conflict among siblings
Thanks Kate for your input. I did talk to my brother this morning and we are going to get new locks/keys next weekend. I can see my sister making a copy of the key she has"just in case" she comes over and no one is home. I lock my mom's vicodin in my room and only put 6 at a time in a bottle in the living room to be given to Mom as needed (as I'm not always here if others are), and I noticed that the 2 that were left when we left for the hospital Saturday morning were gone when we brought her home on Monday. I'm not sure who took them and it was only 2 pills but who does that? why steal pain pills from an old lady? It could have been my sister or my nephews so I'm not going to make an issue of it this time, I'll just make sure if we have to be gone again for any length of time that I lock up the small amount, too.
I'm glad we're back to our normal routine, for now!
Ellen

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Ellen 59, caregiver for mom Marion 81,dx LBD Feb 2011


Mon Sep 19, 2011 1:21 pm
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Joined: Fri Aug 11, 2006 1:46 pm
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Location: SF Bay Area (Northern CA)
Post Re: Conflict among siblings
Ellen,

As to the comment: "I don't know what happened, but I think something happened to the gene pool after Ellen..." I read this funny line in a book once which resonates with the comment: "some pee'd in the gene pool"

Robin


Mon Sep 19, 2011 5:06 pm
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Joined: Fri Jan 15, 2010 9:33 pm
Posts: 3334
Location: Vermont
Post Re: Conflict among siblings
Ellen - if it were me finding some of my dad's controlled substances missing, I would want to know who took them. It's stealing, and it's stealing a medication they are not supposed to have access to unless their own dr. prescribed them. What if something happens to you? Are any of these folks likely to be back in the house and able to get your mom's meds? These are questions for you, I don't need to know the answers. Lynn

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Lynn, daughter of 89 year old dad dx with possiblity of LBD, CBD, PSP, FTD, ALS, Vascular Dementia, AD, etc., died Nov. 30, 2010 after living in ALF for 18 months.


Mon Sep 19, 2011 8:01 pm
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Joined: Mon Feb 14, 2011 10:22 pm
Posts: 190
Location: Portland, Or
Post Re: Conflict among siblings
Lynn- I agree with you totally, and when I asked my sister if she knew what happened to them and she told me "no", there's not a lot I can do. I'm almost positive it was her that took them, but since she did have other people here while I was gone, I can't really prove who it was. Changing the lock will help, and if I'm going to be gone anymore I'll make sure to put the pills away before I leave. I'm really glad that it was just the 2 pills, and that I've been locking up the larger bottle for the past couple of years that she's been on them.
Ellen

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Ellen 59, caregiver for mom Marion 81,dx LBD Feb 2011


Mon Sep 19, 2011 9:31 pm
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Joined: Tue Dec 29, 2009 2:28 pm
Posts: 464
Location: Minnesota
Post Re: Conflict among siblings
As for not taking pain pills from your mom, my sister took them from her son's prescription. It starts innocently enough, thinking that you are just borrowing one, then that one more won't make that much difference, until it gets out of control.

Is this the first time you've noticed pills missing? This is another reason to get your sister and company out of the house. Good for you for getting it done!

Kate

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Kate [i](Cared for Mom for years before anyone else noticed the symptoms, but the last year of her life was rough and we needed to place her in an SNF, where she passed in February 2012)[/i]


Mon Sep 19, 2011 9:59 pm
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