Irene - you are saying that Social Security considers you not married? What does that mean? If it's something you don't want to share, I understand, but I am curious if there is something that might apply to someone else on here and they could benefit from your knowledge. Thanks, Lynn

Our financial adviser mentioned that divorce was one option. I was under the impression that you couldn't share the same address if you chose that route. I also asked about giving everything to our girls and she and the lawyer thought it would be better to chose investments that would work for our situations, guess we'll see.

Gerry

Divorce only for the purpose of a legal strategy to protect the well spouse's financial security sounds ok to me as an option. Glad I didn't have to face that as my husband's LTC insurance wasn't used up.

Maybe I'm just too security conscious, but am too old to get a job and my financial future is top priority. In that situation, I would see divorce as a practical solution to a terrible problem rather than an emotion-driven feeling of abandoning the spouse. Other ways of protecting assets and income should be sought first, and a really experienced elder-care attorney might be well worth the cost. For example, you may have read my reply in another post that the parents who make too much money could spend down positively by purchasing a small home which is not counted, i.e., transforming their assets from a countable to a non-countable form.

Things (laws, interpretations) may have changed in the 8 years since I discussed this with a lawyer, but she told of a recent case where the husband was in NH and they had to protect the assets for the 84 yo wife, so she wouldn't wind up on public assistance. They had the couple divorce. The husband was never told. Nothing changed in terms of her visits or caring for him. What kind of screwed up legal system is that?!!

I know what kind it is. It is the kind that was developed piece-meal, with no comprehensive big picture in mind. It was developed for a world in which relatively few people lived to really old ages. Some parts are mostly concerned with making sure the government is not cheated out of its share of taxes. Other parts are concerned with the welfare of the elderly. Very very few parts are concerned with the welfare of the caregivers, be they spouses or not.

Good article on this subject in the NY Times:

Pat Robertson’s Remarks on Alzheimer’s Stir Passions
By Erik Eckholm
Published: September 16, 2011
New York Times

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/09/17/us/pa ... sions.html

You are right, Robin. That is good reporting on reactions to Robertson's statement.

Yes, I thought they included a good range of opinion.

I found Mr Robertson's remarks very offensive. His remark that "this is a kind of death" especially got my hackles up. My husband was killed in an accident when he was 29 years old, I was 30 and 6 mos pregnant and devastated. That baby is now 26 years old so it has been a long time but it still hurts. Several years later my sister's illegal alien boyfriend was sent to jail for 7 years for illegal entry and she was whining about how " it's like he's dead" and I was saw red and told her " dead is dead, I will [i]never[i] be able to touch my husband again, and although it's going to be several years before you can touch your loved one, it will happen one day, so don't insult me your insensitivity". We were in our 40's when this took place, and she has seen her LO since then.
When I took my marriage vows they were for "in sickness and in health, til death do us part", and that's what I meant. I doubt very much if I will ever marry again but if I do I will take my vows just as seriously as I did before. I can see people needing companionship if their LO is "deep into dementia", but companionship doesn't have to mean a committed relationship or sex, and I know that for me personally I couldn't abandon my spouse because they were ill. I respect other people's right to do what they feel is right for them, but it angers me when someone who proclaims himself a Christian leader makes such irresponsible remarks.

thanks robin, for the article.. very interesting comments..

Lynn,
No problem sharing, I really don't understand it either at some point in the very begiining of Jim's passing I was told by a SS employee I am considered not married, I guess there is some truth to as I am free to remarry but I still have a married name at the time it was a shock to me!

Ellen,
May I sayI am sorry for your loss even if it was 26 yrs ago I imagine it is with you everyday and yes you are right there is nothing compared to a person being dead, it is very final but again until someone who makes other remarks they have yet to walk a mile in your shoes !

Thanks so much, Irene!

Ellen - I am so sorry for the tragic loss of your husband, and at such an early age and so unexpectedly.
Re: Pat Robertson, I wouldn't have any interest in anything he writes or says, and I certainly could not care less what his opinion on anything is. I hope for you who do care what he says that you can let his opinion be like water rolling off a duck's back. Lynn

Thanks for your kind words and thoughts, Lynn. I totally agree with you about Mr Robertson, and it angers me that someone with such a huge following can say something so wrong
Ellen

abandonment…is abandonment…

it is a choice, if you can live better with the consequences, so be it…

it is still and always abandonment…

Abandonment of Family
Desertion refers to intentional and substantial abandonment, permanently or for a period of time stated by law, without legal excuse and without consent, of one's duties arising out of a status such as that of husband and wife or parent and child. It can involve desertion of a spouse with the intention of creating a permanent separation. Desertion of one spouse by the other without just cause is called malicious abandonment. Child abandonment is often recognized as a crime, in which case the child is usually not physically harmed directly as part of the abandonment; distinct from this is the widely recognized crime of infanticide. Child abandonment is also called exposure or exposition, especially when an infant is left in the open.


interesting quote from wikipedia…

we all make choices….we all make consequences…

I offered my current wife the option to:
1) divorce in legal status only
2) divorce in every way

that action has consequences too…

let me state an observation from living and watching…

you can also abandon something and still be in its constant presence….that has consequences, too…

definitely a tough nut if you make it one….

on the other hand….seems real simple to me…

abandonment = abandonment