View unanswered posts | View active topics It is currently Thu Oct 23, 2014 8:32 am



Reply to topic  [ 20 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next
 My LO is going into a nursing home tomorrow. 
Author Message

Joined: Wed Mar 09, 2011 12:22 am
Posts: 75
Post My LO is going into a nursing home tomorrow.
Here it is, 2AM, wide awake and just full of tears. After this past week, the Dr told me Chris is declining very rapidly and he is not safe to have home. He suggested we find an alz unit/center to place him. We have spent three days doing this..so we found one and he is supposed to go tomorrow.

We will have to get Medicaid. it galls me to turn my life wrong-side out and reveal all my financial woes and mistakes...not to mention you feel guilty for buying those shoes and eating out one time too often!

He begs me to get him out of the hospital...crying to come home..it is killing all of us. I told the folks over on the caring spouse list at yahoo, when I am with him I KNOW he needs this, but when I am away my heart is killing me. I guess this is normal...but I have lost my grip on normal a long time ago!
~~Debra

_________________
~~Debra, 52, wife to Chris, 64 DX Vascular Dementia 9/10; Alz 10 or 11/2010; Pseudo Dementia 01/11; LBD in 03/11..Was at home until 4/29, 2011, now in a Alz fac./dementia unit.
Image


Fri Apr 29, 2011 2:15 am
Profile

Joined: Sun Oct 21, 2007 4:18 pm
Posts: 835
Location: Acton, MA
Post Re: My LO is going into a nursing home tomorrow.
Debra, My heart goes out to you, I know I might be facing the same thing some day. It's 4:00AM here and we've been up for an hour. Don't question what you have to do, your mind knows this is best but your heart is broken. Reading other post where LO's have had to be placed, you'll look back and know it was the right, and only, thing you could do.
Hang in there, sending you courage and prayers.
Fondly,
Gerry

_________________
Gerry 67, cared for Frank 71, married 49 yrs; dx 2004, passed away October 26, 2011.


Fri Apr 29, 2011 4:17 am
Profile

Joined: Fri Jan 15, 2010 9:33 pm
Posts: 3395
Location: Vermont
Post Re: My LO is going into a nursing home tomorrow.
Deb - as Gerry said, this is such a difficult decision, and one that none of us wanted to make. But, when it gets to the point that at-home care is not feasible anymore, for a variety of reasons, you just have to do what's best for everyone. If you place him in a facility that meets the criteria you are looking for and you feel confident that he is getting excellent care (it will never be perfect as I'm sure you've read here many times), you will become much more comfortable with your decision. Big hugs, Lynn

_________________
Lynn, daughter of 89 year old dad dx with possiblity of LBD, CBD, PSP, FTD, ALS, Vascular Dementia, AD, etc., died Nov. 30, 2010 after living in ALF for 18 months.


Fri Apr 29, 2011 7:03 am
Profile

Joined: Mon Feb 21, 2011 9:55 pm
Posts: 355
Post Re: My LO is going into a nursing home tomorrow.
Dear, dear Debra, my heart is breaking for you and your loved one. I have not had to face that awful decision yet, and I dread it. I pray you have the strength to take it hour by hour, and then day by day. I hope that this transition becomes easier for you both as the days go by. You have done all you can possibly do, and now it is out of your hands. I am a strong believer in angels and I am sending many to both you and your LO.

When Angels sense you need them
And Angels always do
They come, unseen, from everywhere
To help and comfort you.

They hover close beside you
Till all your cares are gone
Till they can see you’re ready
Once again to carry on.

Then some of them may fly away
And take their gentle touch
To other hearts that need
The love of Angels very much.

But one, at least, stays with you
As your constant friend and guide,
For GUARDIAN ANGELS never leave,
They’re always at your side.....

Please come here often to feel the love and support of this wonderful community. We cannot be there for you physically, but I know I speak for us all when I say that we are all there in spirit for you. May God Bless you both and give you the strength to face the cross you have to bear. You will be in my thoughts and prayers - don't be alone, we are with you,
Ger xxx

_________________
cared for Dad who passed away on January 28th 2013 R.I.P.


Fri Apr 29, 2011 7:19 am
Profile

Joined: Sun Aug 29, 2010 5:46 pm
Posts: 610
Post Re: My LO is going into a nursing home tomorrow.
Debra, I am so sorry to hear this. It was a hard enough decision for me to make for my mother, and it must be a thousand times harder to do for a spouse.

It might relieve you somewhat that the MA application process is not quite the grilling you seem to imagine. Basically, you will be asked about your assets, anything you have given away or sold for less than its full value in the past five years, and your expenses. It's not necessary to reveal all of your financial mistakes, as you put it. Whatever your circumstances, the social worker who will assist you has seen it all. Almost no one can withstand the cost of nursing home care for very long without resorting to MA, so you are hardly alone.

Julianne


Fri Apr 29, 2011 9:37 am
Profile

Joined: Wed Dec 30, 2009 1:46 pm
Posts: 3213
Location: WA
Post Re: My LO is going into a nursing home tomorrow.
Debra, having just placed my husband in a skilled nursing facility in December, I know the anguish. I was very depressed for the first few weeks and am only just becoming at peace with the situation and he thinks I also live there so the 'going home' issue doesn't come up. He doesn't ever want me to leave and I visit twice a day. He asks me where my bed is.

Although we are still paying out of pocket we will be doing the Medicaid thing some time later this year. There are so many pressures--even the state services adviser thinks I should buy a new car [car and house are protected assets] because 'it's the only car you will ever be able to buy'. I love my 2002 Honda CRV with 91,000 miles which I bought in 2009 and have no desire to buy a new car. Also, we bought a lower priced house in a retirement community which I figured would be better for him to live in. Financially, it would have been smarter to have kept the bigger house, although, either way, the state will take it after I am dead. I was planning to go back to work this spring but was told that the state would end up taking his income so I would only break even by working! So I decided spending more time with Derek was more sensible than working for nothing. :lol:

Bottom line, though, is that I couldn't take care of him at home any more without injuring myself [I had placed him for a respite week to heal my back and found he was a two-person transfer in the SNF and I made the decision to leave him there] and he is doing fine overall. It's a gut-wrenching decision but you will know when you have no choice. You and Chris will be in my thoughts and prayers, Debra! God bless!

_________________
Pat [68] married to Derek [84] for 38 years; husband dx PDD/LBD 2005, probably began 2002 or earlier; late stage and in a SNF as of January 2011. Hospitalized 11/2/2013 and discharged to home Hospice. Passed away at home on 11/9/2013.


Fri Apr 29, 2011 10:43 am
Profile

Joined: Wed Mar 09, 2011 12:22 am
Posts: 75
Post Re: My LO is going into a nursing home tomorrow.
Thank you...each and every one...Ger...did you know that YOU ALL ARE MY ANGELS?????

_________________
~~Debra, 52, wife to Chris, 64 DX Vascular Dementia 9/10; Alz 10 or 11/2010; Pseudo Dementia 01/11; LBD in 03/11..Was at home until 4/29, 2011, now in a Alz fac./dementia unit.
Image


Fri Apr 29, 2011 11:33 am
Profile

Joined: Tue Feb 23, 2010 10:32 am
Posts: 215
Location: Kalispell, MT
Post Re: My LO is going into a nursing home tomorrow.
The good side of the coin is that, IF it is a GOOD placement, both his and your quality of life will improve. My husband--in an exceptional facility for 3 months now--is so much better off, so placement isn't always a bad thing for both patient and caregiver. I believe he is better off than had I been able to hire 24/7 caregivers to keep him at home. And I have LESS guilt because he is better off with them than with me, and he doesn't have a big want-to-go-home issue.

I pray that your course will be the same.


Fri Apr 29, 2011 11:35 am
Profile

Joined: Sat Jan 03, 2009 2:59 pm
Posts: 1978
Post Re: My LO is going into a nursing home tomorrow.
Debra,
I will be thinking about you and Chris tomorrow, I know this is a very sad time but in time you will see how hard it would have been to bring Chris home !

_________________
Irene Selak


Fri Apr 29, 2011 9:31 pm
Profile WWW

Joined: Thu Apr 21, 2011 8:39 pm
Posts: 10
Post Re: My LO is going into a nursing home tomorrow.
Bring him some familiar or comforting items from home-John's favorite items were a heavy flannel shirt, a pair of driving gloves and a Scottish rug (blanket). Photos might be good. Avoid giving reasons why he can't go home and instead be positive about the placement and the benefits to him of being there.


Fri Apr 29, 2011 9:58 pm
Profile

Joined: Fri Jan 15, 2010 9:33 pm
Posts: 3395
Location: Vermont
Post Re: My LO is going into a nursing home tomorrow.
Can he bring his own furniture with him? I think it was very comforting for my dad to have his own dresser, recliner, tv, lamps and a few other items from his home. I was going to buy him a new comforter but took the one from his bed at home and told him to use that till I could get him a new one. He said "no new one" and I realized that it was dumb for me to think he'd want some new, unfamiliar covering for his bed. I also put lots of photo collages that he had made of family and friends and hung them near his bed and recliner, where he could see everyone. It was a beautiful facility and his room looked very nice and familiar with so many things from his house there.
I hope he gets settled in ok and you can take many of his own things. Lynn

_________________
Lynn, daughter of 89 year old dad dx with possiblity of LBD, CBD, PSP, FTD, ALS, Vascular Dementia, AD, etc., died Nov. 30, 2010 after living in ALF for 18 months.


Fri Apr 29, 2011 10:10 pm
Profile

Joined: Sat Jul 31, 2010 5:28 pm
Posts: 317
Post Re: My LO is going into a nursing home tomorrow.
I know how emotionally devistating this can be. My husband went to an Adult Family Home a little more than two weeks ago. It was a gut wrenching choice to make. I am trusting that I will get over feeling so guilty in time. I see him daily and he is doing quite well there. It has 6 residents and 2 staff on at all times. They feed him well and he seems to be gaining back some weight that he had lost.

Hang in there, Kiddo. It's a tough one to do, but there can be good times, too. I can't tell you how depressed i was...cried all over my PCP's office and he said, "Nancy, I've never seen you like this," and gave me Xanax. I didn't have to take it becuse Del went into the hospital right after that and from there to the AFH. There are times I still have a knot of anxiety in the pit of my stomach, but it isn't every single minute of every day like it used to be.

Just get through each day. Like Pat says, it will get better.

Is the facility close by where you live so you can visit often? That is good for them and for you, too.

Will have my fingers crossed for you tomorrow. Nan


Fri Apr 29, 2011 11:08 pm
Profile

Joined: Wed Mar 09, 2011 12:22 am
Posts: 75
Post Re: My LO is going into a nursing home tomorrow.
The move went well, better than I expected. I will take what peace of mind I can get right now. So, today ended well. Tomorrow we start fresh.

The place is about 16 miles away. it is small enough to be family like, yet big enough to have lots of people to visit with. I can bring whatever I like from home and have already brought his clothes. Tomorrow, I will work on a few personal touches and bring his blanket he loves.

On another note...get this...I could only see him for a couple hours a day at the hospital and I missed one day. He was wearing the same clothes for the past 4 days! They changed his underwear ONCE..Never had his teeth brushed...face shaved...never had his hair washed. Nursing has changed drastically. If I had been the charge nurse, there would have been some stern talking in a meeting of the staff! WoW.At least at the NH I can visit whenever I like and make sure he is cared for. I was shocked.

_________________
~~Debra, 52, wife to Chris, 64 DX Vascular Dementia 9/10; Alz 10 or 11/2010; Pseudo Dementia 01/11; LBD in 03/11..Was at home until 4/29, 2011, now in a Alz fac./dementia unit.
Image


Fri Apr 29, 2011 11:22 pm
Profile

Joined: Wed Dec 30, 2009 1:46 pm
Posts: 3213
Location: WA
Post Re: My LO is going into a nursing home tomorrow.
Sadly, I'd be surprised if the charge nurse cared.

_________________
Pat [68] married to Derek [84] for 38 years; husband dx PDD/LBD 2005, probably began 2002 or earlier; late stage and in a SNF as of January 2011. Hospitalized 11/2/2013 and discharged to home Hospice. Passed away at home on 11/9/2013.


Fri Apr 29, 2011 11:36 pm
Profile

Joined: Mon Feb 21, 2011 9:55 pm
Posts: 355
Post Re: My LO is going into a nursing home tomorrow.
Glad to hear the move went well. Keep the chin up hon, you're doing great so far. I think if he settles well there, it will be an enormous help for you. I will keep you both in my thoughts and prayers,
Ger xxx

_________________
cared for Dad who passed away on January 28th 2013 R.I.P.


Sat Apr 30, 2011 9:15 am
Profile
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Reply to topic   [ 20 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next

You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
cron
Powered by phpBB © 2000, 2002, 2005, 2007 phpBB Group.
Designed by STSoftware for PTF.
Localized by Maël Soucaze © 2010 phpBB.fr