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 Since my mother left us.. 
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Joined: Tue Oct 09, 2007 7:06 pm
Posts: 4
Location: Melbourne and north Queensland
Post Since my mother left us..
My mother died in September 2008 after ten years or so of suffering which became increasingly worse as the disease progressed, to such an extent that it was a blessing for her to be gone.
But since then, I cannot forget the agonies she and my father went through and wake up, or lie awake at night, reliving the horrors and imagining the dreadful things that happened, and during the day the slightest thing reminds me of them.
By now you would think this would have lessened, but it doesn't seem to be so - does anyone else still have these problems? time does not seem to be healing these wounds.


Fri Jul 09, 2010 9:28 pm
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Joined: Wed Dec 12, 2007 4:53 pm
Posts: 88
Location: Melbourne Beach, FL
Post Emotional Healing
Dear Jeanette,

Do you have anyone that you talk to openly about these issues? I found that talking about my deceased spouse whenever he comes to mind (it is less now, but still frequent), has been very good for me. It helps to have friends who are familiar with the family dynamics, but this forum is also a good place. Even though your LO died a couple of years ago, you describe your situation that it is all still fresh to you. Sharing your experiences, what worked and what didn't, may help those still actively caregiving and at the same time help you to face your loss. Helping others in any way we can is also personally therapeutic. Or, you might start a thread that may be answered by those of us whose loved ones have passed on but who still frequent the forum.

If that doesn't work (and even if it does), you might benefit from counseling or you might join a support group. Many hospice organizations have grief support groups.

Reach out, others will respond.

Joy


Fri Jul 09, 2010 11:25 pm
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Joined: Fri Aug 11, 2006 1:46 pm
Posts: 4811
Location: SF Bay Area (Northern CA)
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Jeanette,

It's been nearly three years since my father died and I continue to re-live different aspects of "the end." But I have learned to shut down these thoughts now, and I can say to myself "okay, that's enough...on to something else." It's a slow process.

See if you can join a grief support group or dementia support group in your area. Talking to others can help.

Robin


Sat Jul 10, 2010 12:15 am
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Joined: Wed Oct 08, 2008 10:30 pm
Posts: 976
Location: Henderson, Nv.
Post Re: Since my mother left us..
It will be one year the end of next month that I lost my LO. While I find I relive the bad times now and then, as time passes it is less often rather than more often. At this time last year things were so terrible I sometimes didn't think I could go on another day...and I have been thinking of that quite a bit lately. I do believe its because of the anniversary of his death but none the less it still hurts...and I do miss him.
When I was experiencing deep loss a while back, Robin said something to me that helped me put things in proper perspective: "would you really want him back, in that condition, going through all of that again, all of the suffering?" When I asked myself those questions I had to answer truthfully...NO, I would not want him to suffer any longer..he had endured far more than his share...I had too..it was time to let him go...to let him rest peacefully." When I start feeling blue I think of that and I know it was "his time."
Reach out to others and if you are truly grieving very strongly, seek professional help. It may only take a few sessions but to get unbiased help may be just what you need.
My thoughts are with you.

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Dianne C.


Wed Jul 14, 2010 11:33 pm
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Joined: Sun Oct 21, 2007 4:18 pm
Posts: 835
Location: Acton, MA
Post Re: Since my mother left us..
Dianne C. It's hard to believe that it's almost a year. There were 4 forum friends that lost their LO around the same time. I was sadden for all of you but must admit I was also sadden for me. I lost "Frank" several years ago, but the Lewy Frank continues to suffer mentally, physically he is in terrific shape. I'm glad you've been able to get on with life. Continue to take care of yourself, AND continue on that healthy road, you are doing great!!!
Gerry

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Gerry 67, cared for Frank 71, married 49 yrs; dx 2004, passed away October 26, 2011.


Thu Jul 15, 2010 7:20 am
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Joined: Fri Jan 15, 2010 9:33 pm
Posts: 3311
Location: Vermont
Post Re: Since my mother left us..
When my mom died, it was so sudden and she had been so active and healthy that it was an enormous shock for all of us. A relative suggested that I go to a grief support group that I believe was organized by hospice. There were many lovely people there, all at various stages of dealing with their grief. My aunt had found enormous help through her group and many people do. For me, it just opened any wound-healing that was going on and I was much worse doing that so I stopped after a few weeks. I tried one-on-one counseling and the same thing happened. For me, I just had to sort of wallow in the sadness and figure out how to navigate life on my own.
Everyone deals with grief in their own way, but it's not a bad idea to try counseling and support groups because so many people do find the support they need that way.
I found that making new family traditions at holidays, vacations, etc. was helpful because my mom was at the center of much of what we did. Things just had to be done differently so there was a little excitement in finding new ways of celebrating, despite the horrific loss of my mom which was always there in the background. And, I have to remind myself that she died the way she always said she wanted - "with her boots on".
Anyway, it's worth trying all the resources that are available to help people with their losses. I hope all of us can find comfort and peace. Lynn

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Lynn, daughter of 89 year old dad dx with possiblity of LBD, CBD, PSP, FTD, ALS, Vascular Dementia, AD, etc., died Nov. 30, 2010 after living in ALF for 18 months.


Thu Jul 15, 2010 8:14 am
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Joined: Fri Jan 15, 2010 9:33 pm
Posts: 3311
Location: Vermont
Post Re: Since my mother left us..
Jeannette - we all grieve in our own ways, and sometimes we can get stuck and need some help to move on through the various stages of grief. I hope that you have been able to find a counselor or support group that can help you through the process.
I was in a deep funk when my very active mother went into a coma and died 4 days later. I thought she'd live to be 100, and she was suddenly gone at 76 with no chance for goodbyes or any closure we all needed so desparately. I went to a support group for about 5 weeks, saw a counselor 2 or 3 times, and they did not help me at all, but they do help lots and lots of people. Going to the support group, for me, just reopened the wounds and I was a basket case the whole weekend. The counselor wasn't helpful either, but sometimes you have to shop around to find the right group or individual. I just let time heal the wounds and it took a very long time. My dr. tried putting me on anti-depressants but they made me feel spacey. I should have tried others which may have helped.
Don't be afraid to reach out for help, and if the first help isn't very helpful, seek other sources so you are not stuck in one place for so long. Perhaps you have a friend who has found helpful resources in your community. I know sometimes it's hard to get the energy together to search out other resources, so see if your friends or a dr. could help you with that.
Sending you a big hug today. Lynn

_________________
Lynn, daughter of 89 year old dad dx with possiblity of LBD, CBD, PSP, FTD, ALS, Vascular Dementia, AD, etc., died Nov. 30, 2010 after living in ALF for 18 months.


Thu Jul 22, 2010 2:40 pm
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Joined: Wed Oct 08, 2008 10:30 pm
Posts: 976
Location: Henderson, Nv.
Post Re: Since my mother left us..
Gerry- Just saw your post here today. Have not been on as much as I should...I need to heal and then I will be able to help others.

Yes, your Frank as you know him has left you...and you are left to deal with it. I think thats one of the toughest parts of being a caregiver to your spouse. In addition to caring for them .. which is a 24/7 job..all the rest of the chores fall to you...paying bills, doing laundry, housework, making meals, feeding them, etc. Its very exhausting and overwhelming at times.. and I do feel so sad for you.. at the same time, you have lost the person you conversed with, laughed with and were intimate with. I am so amazed at how well everyone manages to handle these situations without going whacky. The memories of scrubbing the bathroom floor at 3 a.m. lingers on. :roll: Looking back on things...gosh, I am in awe of all of you. Look at yourself in the mirror tomorrow and tell yourself what a true wonder you are! And thats the truth!

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Dianne C.


Sat Aug 28, 2010 3:58 am
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