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 very agressive 
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Joined: Sun Aug 29, 2010 5:46 pm
Posts: 609
Post Re: very agressive
Jeanne, there is no shame in MA. With the costs of care being what they are, very few people could afford to pay them indefinitely. Of course MA comes from tax dollars, but what other choice is there?

Julianne


Mon Mar 21, 2011 12:33 pm
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Joined: Fri Dec 31, 2010 3:07 pm
Posts: 1039
Location: Minnesota
Post Re: very agressive
Let me be clear. I do not feel shame or embarrassment. It does not hurt my pride. I'm glad for those who have resources to weather this on their own financially, and I think they have more options than those of us who rely on programs like MA, so from that standpoint I wish I did have resources. I can understand avoiding MA if you think you can get better services paying out of pocket. I can't understand avoiding it out of shame or pride. Julianne, I think that is like your mom avoiding the scooter that could have improved her quality of life for a few years.

I can also understand avoiding it just out of lack of knowledge. I am so glad that very early on a county social worker visited and laid out what was available, gave me a long list of phone numbers and web sites, and put me in touch with a program specifically designed to keep impaired elderly people in their homes as long as possible.

Knowledge is a very, very valuable treatment tool. That is certainly one of the benefits of these forums -- sharing knowledge.

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Jeanne, 68 cared for husband Coy, 86. RBD for 30+ years; LDB since 2003, Coy at home, in early stage, until death in 2012


Mon Mar 21, 2011 1:44 pm
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Posts: 609
Post Re: very agressive
I know this is getting off the track of the posting, but my point is that almost no one can bear the cost of long-term care out of pocket. Even LTC insurance often doesn't pay enough.

I see a lot of clients who are bothered by the idea of accepting MA, Jeanne, so I was thinking of people like them when I said there is no shame in it. It shouldn't have a stigma.

I did some advance planning for my mother years ago, and I spent down what resources she had left after she went into the SNF. She has been on MA since last summer. We have a deal with the facility to pay an extra amount privately to keep her in her single room, but it's not cheap and even that is becoming too much of a burden. Soon she will have to transition to a double room, which I fear will be H@!! on wheels.

We did not have the option of keeping her home with a family member, and I hate having her in the SNF, which she hates. This disease just spreads misery and suffering in all directions. Thank goodness that MA is available to help with the financial burden.

Julianne


Mon Mar 21, 2011 3:13 pm
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Joined: Wed Dec 30, 2009 1:46 pm
Posts: 3178
Location: WA
Post Re: very agressive
I agree, it eventually becomes a necessity. While neither pride nor shame are factors in my dreading Medicaid, I do dread his having to move into a double room at the SNF. He is not going to like that at all. Noise is a big problem for him, e.g., TV, etc. He listens to his soft, classical music. He does have a set of cordless headphones I got him a few years ago but he hates them and refused to wear them. Not going to start worrying about it now, though. I think we can last nearly a year w/o MA. He may not last that long, anyway. :cry:

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Pat [68] married to Derek [84] for 38 years; husband dx PDD/LBD 2005, probably began 2002 or earlier; late stage and in a SNF as of January 2011. Hospitalized 11/2/2013 and discharged to home Hospice. Passed away at home on 11/9/2013.


Mon Mar 21, 2011 3:34 pm
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Joined: Sat Jan 03, 2009 2:59 pm
Posts: 1978
Post Re: very agressive
I don't so much of shame or pride, I think more along the lines of working so hard all your life and having to resort to it, no matter how much money you think you have it is never enough, is it ? For me because my husband was disabled and we had a minor child that meant he collected and that is income that is added in and I started way to late in the disease to get anything, I will say we at least had the Veterans which was a hugh help with medications and doctors.

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Irene Selak


Mon Mar 21, 2011 7:50 pm
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Joined: Fri Jan 15, 2010 9:33 pm
Posts: 3123
Location: Vermont
Post Re: very agressive
I know this will sound crazy and/or shocking, but there apparently is LTC ins. out there that will cover major amounts of LTC. My dear friend who just died a couple of weeks ago was getting more in LTC ins. payments every month than the ALF was costing. She was actually MAKING money by being in an ALF her first 6 months there. Eventually the ALF told the family that her decline meant that she needed a part time aid, then that was $20 out of pocket for 10 or so hours a day EXTRA. Just before she died they told the family she'd either need to move to a SNF or have 24 hour care in the ALF where she was already paying about $5,500 a month! That's the kind of LTC insurance we all need! Lynn

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Lynn, daughter of 89 year old dad dx with possiblity of LBD, CBD, PSP, FTD, ALS, Vascular Dementia, AD, etc., died Nov. 30, 2010 after living in ALF for 18 months.


Mon Mar 21, 2011 10:53 pm
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Joined: Fri Jun 05, 2009 4:15 pm
Posts: 82
Location: Onsted MI
Post Re: very agressive
I came here because of the very agressive heading and I am going through a very bad episode right now with Wayne. My home health aide came running down stairs to say Wayne was in a fit. He had ripped his pajamas and he was really a wild man and had squeezed the aide's hand very hard. We tried to get him to settle down, got him to lie down but kicked back up, we tried to get a Haldol down him and he spit out the water and squeezed the plastic glass and spilled water all over. My daughter was here and she tried calming him and he twisted her hand till she cried. He really is very strong when he wants to be, my hand is hurting right now too from the crunch he gave me.. He usually doesn't make sense but he said very loudly You think I'm crazy don't you. He's really scaring me tonight. He is still awake in his hospital bed next to mine and I am sitting on my bed writing this. He keeps pulling on the sheet and blanket and half sitting up. I am afraid to try to put his catheter on even.

It's times like these I think I can't take it anymore = I must find a nursing home to put him in. I don't want to give up on him tho. I do have help and I am healthy. I am going to try to get a Haldol down him again I guess. It really settles him if I can get him to swallow it. I have been using it for several years now with no problems. Well, wish me luck and it has helped just to write this down. Jeanie


Fri Mar 25, 2011 10:05 pm
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Joined: Sat Jan 03, 2009 2:59 pm
Posts: 1978
Post Re: very agressive
Jeanie,
Sorry you are having a rough night with Wayne , its best to try and let him settle on his own, I think the more people that get involved when they are like this the more combative they become. Perhaps he has the start of an infection and maybe this is the cause of this upset ? I do hope he finally goes off to sleep for you and you can get a bit of rest, these are hard times I remember them all too well!

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Irene Selak


Fri Mar 25, 2011 10:27 pm
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Joined: Fri Jun 05, 2009 4:15 pm
Posts: 82
Location: Onsted MI
Post Re: very agressive
thank you, Irene, he is asleep now and I even got the catheter on. nite


Fri Mar 25, 2011 10:33 pm
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Joined: Mon Feb 21, 2011 9:55 pm
Posts: 355
Post Re: very agressive
Jeanie, I feel for you. We are in the same place, as I get to a point where I say I can't take any more with Dad. I can handle the physical side of things, - it is the agression and the mood swings that I, and my poor mother, find so difficult. Only just yesterday, I began the process for Nursing Home application. He was extremely agressive for 4 days out of 7 last week. It is getting worse. But then today, Dad had a good day, and I said to myself, ok, put the nursing home on hold for now, I can cope again. I wonder what haldol is here in Ireland. The major question I have is when he is in one of his moods, how do I calm him. He wont take any meds at all for me, and when I need to calm him down, there is nothing I can do but let him rant, and eventually he wears himself out. Whilst he is in one of his moods, though, it can be quite scary. He is too weak and feeble to really do any harm, but at the same time, he seems to get a rush of adrenaline and I wonder if he could do harm, either to himself or my mother. He can't reach her as she is upstairs, and he isn't capable of getting up there, but I can't help but worry sometimes.

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cared for Dad who passed away on January 28th 2013 R.I.P.


Sat Mar 26, 2011 1:23 pm
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Joined: Sat Jan 03, 2009 2:59 pm
Posts: 1978
Post Re: very agressive
Ger,
Make no mistake,When they get like this they get a strenght that comes out of the blue ! Is he like this all the time or should I say more days than not.

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Irene Selak


Sat Mar 26, 2011 1:42 pm
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Joined: Fri Nov 05, 2010 11:30 pm
Posts: 317
Location: southern cali
Post Re: very agressive
thinking of you and understanding.. we are in the middle stages and so ive only seen a few times like this.. and they scare me.. normally i can settle him down.. but when he gets aggressive and so angry, especially at me..i worry.. LOTS!!

i realize its not him , its this horrible disease.. but even that is frightening, cause i dont know this person.. hes not my hubby.. hes someone else!!

hope your night went better and you were able to get some rest...
cindi

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sole CG for hubby.1st symptoms, 2000, at 55. Diag with AD at 62, LB at 64.. vietnam vet..100% ptsd disability,sprayed with agent orange, which doubled chances for dementia. ER visit 1-14,released to memory care..


Sat Mar 26, 2011 1:58 pm
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Joined: Mon Feb 21, 2011 9:55 pm
Posts: 355
Post Re: very agressive
Yes Irene, before, he would be agressive maybe once a month. Then a few times a month, then once a week, and it has progressed to at least twice a week. I have seen the decline myself, and the day before yesterday, suggested to my mother that we put Dad in respite care for a week, just to 'break the ice'. I need to move very gently with this, as my mother would blame herself for getting me to put Dad in a home, and she suffers enough with depression, so I am trying to break it to her gently that the time is coming where Dad will have to go to a care facility. She has agreed to sending him for a week respite, so I am hoping I can work from there. I mentioned it to my sister, and she was up in arms about sending him anywhere, but she doesn't have all the care on her shoulders. It is going to cause trouble with my siblings, but at the end of the day, they aren't doing the caring, so they don't know how difficult it is. Dad can still be quite lucid, and the decision to move him is heart wrenching, as he cried the last time I mentioned to him that he needed to go to hospital. He is almost 85, and he has been in hospital once in his life, and that was when he had the stroke almost 5 years ago.

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cared for Dad who passed away on January 28th 2013 R.I.P.


Sat Mar 26, 2011 2:01 pm
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Joined: Sun Aug 29, 2010 5:46 pm
Posts: 609
Post Re: very agressive
Ger, I have the same situation with siblings who aren't participating in care but are so quick to weigh in on any discussion of what to do concerning our mother. It is very frustrating to say the least. For what it's worth, I have found that getting the doctor's opinion (assuming it supports you) and then being able to tell the siblings (either yourself or refer them to the doctor) is really helpful because it takes away the you-versus-them aspect when the professional is making the recommendation or at least supporting your plans.

But in any case, I know that you will keep doing what's best for all concerned but please don't let yourself be ground into dust by the caregiving responsibility. From what you have said on this forum, the weight of your responsibilities is just incredible and, although I'm sure you do all of it with a willing heart, I don't think you can keep it up indefinitely.

Seems like a great idea to try a week of respite care and let everyone see that it's okay, thus paving the way for eventual permanent placement.

You are a terrific daughter (wife, and mother)! Hang in there!

Julianne


Sat Mar 26, 2011 2:46 pm
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Joined: Sat Jan 03, 2009 2:59 pm
Posts: 1978
Post Re: very agressive
Ger,

This is how my husband was too, the events just got closer and closer, I think you are going about this in the correct way to protect your mom's feelings, your right with the siblings but like you said you have the brunt of the caregiving and if they think they can do better let them try !

Good Luck with all of this.

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Irene Selak


Sat Mar 26, 2011 2:48 pm
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