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 Leaving husband in respite care 
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Joined: Fri Jun 05, 2009 4:15 pm
Posts: 82
Location: Onsted MI
Post Leaving husband in respite care
I would like some advice a situation that is coming up very fast. My husband, Wayne, is going to be going into a nursing facility on the 21st of December for 10 days. I don't know if I should tell him at all or just put him in the car and drive him to the nursing facility and take him in?. What would I do if he balked.?

Should I tell him on the morning of the day we are going or sooner?. Our family minus Wayne is going on a cruise for 5 days and we have been talking about our plans in front of him but he doesn't seem to comprehend. I am starting to get really nervous about this and it is coloring my enthusisam for the trip. Any ideas on how to handle this situation will be greatly appreciated..............Jeanie


Sat Dec 11, 2010 10:31 pm
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Joined: Sun Oct 21, 2007 4:18 pm
Posts: 835
Location: Acton, MA
Post Re: Leaving husband in respite care
Jeanie, I don't envy your situation, if it were Frank and me, I'd invent a little white lie, maybe that my back, knee or something was hurt and I needed the respite. You NEED and deserve the break, I'll keep my fingers crossed that all goes well.

Gerry

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Gerry 67, cared for Frank 71, married 49 yrs; dx 2004, passed away October 26, 2011.


Sat Dec 11, 2010 10:41 pm
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Joined: Wed Dec 30, 2009 1:46 pm
Posts: 3213
Location: WA
Post Re: Leaving husband in respite care
That's what I'm planning to do, except I don't have to lie. I DO have a back strain and, though I wish I were going somewhere exciting, I'm just going to stay home and rest my back a bit [not to mention my nerves!]. That is, IF I can arrange placement. I had been told before by this SNF that it would be 'no problem', etc. but where the rubber meets the road, he has to meet certain behavioral criteria. :cry:

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Pat [68] married to Derek [84] for 38 years; husband dx PDD/LBD 2005, probably began 2002 or earlier; late stage and in a SNF as of January 2011. Hospitalized 11/2/2013 and discharged to home Hospice. Passed away at home on 11/9/2013.


Sat Dec 11, 2010 11:09 pm
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Joined: Sat Jan 03, 2009 2:59 pm
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Post Re: Leaving husband in respite care
Jeanie,
Since you have all been discussing this already in his presents I would probably try to reinforce it a day or two before the date and just simply tell him you have things to do and he will be staying for a short visit.
Good Luck and most of all enjoy your trip !
It will all be here when you get back !

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Irene Selak


Sun Dec 12, 2010 12:34 am
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Joined: Sun Aug 29, 2010 5:46 pm
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Post Re: Leaving husband in respite care
Jeanie,

How anxious does your husband become in other situations? Seems as if that would be a good guide. In my mother's case, she becomes very anxious and fretful about any change, unfamiliar appointment, people coming for a visit, etc. Even though she seems to forget just about anything else she is told, that kind of information really sticks with her, and she just frets constantly. So I don't give things like that much lead time--maybe a day at most--just to spare her the anxiety.

Another thing is that if he were to balk, it could really throw a wrench into your plans, which would be terribly unfair to you and your family. I'm sure you need the respite! So it is reasonable to do what you must to avoid a problem. And I agree with Irene that you needn't get too detailed about what you will be doing.

Hope this helps,

Julianne


Sun Dec 12, 2010 3:32 am
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Joined: Wed Sep 30, 2009 8:25 am
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Post Re: Leaving husband in respite care
I always make count-down calendars to important events and post it under the TV. The caregivers mark off each day and make it into a fun thing. You could make one up for when you will get him so he knows for sure he is not being abandoned. A little visual can go a long way. Also, you might want to make up a greeting card for each day and have a caregiver give it to him. Say reassuring, upbeat things so he knows you are coming back.

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Donna (age 56) caregiver for mother-in-law Margaret (age 88).


Sun Dec 12, 2010 10:32 am
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Joined: Fri Jan 15, 2010 9:33 pm
Posts: 3306
Location: Vermont
Post Re: Leaving husband in respite care
Jeanie - how you handle it and when is so individual and dependent on your LOs comprehension, memory, ability to handle change, ability to understand time and lineral thinking, etc. With my dad I had to use very general terms like "I'll see you soon. I'll be back in a few weeks. He's coming later." His ability to understand anything linear, like time, went completely out the window about 18 mo. ago, so even if I did say something specific like "lunch is in 15 minutes" he had no concept of that, and might ask me 4 minutes later "why didn't anyone take me to lunch?"
If your LO is still fairly high-functioning cognitively, I'd wait till the last minute because my anxiety level about how he'd take it would be making me really upset. If he can't understand time well anyway, it probably won't make any difference when you tell him, in which case, do what works best for you.
I too, wouldn't say I was going on a cruise. I'd just say I need some time to rest so I can take better care of you. I'm worn out and need a little time, and I'll be back for you soon.
I'm glad you are taking some time for you. Your battery probably needs a big charge now, huh? So do it for you and the rest of your family and friends. No one wants to see you at the end of your rope physically or mentally. Take care, Lynn

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Lynn, daughter of 89 year old dad dx with possiblity of LBD, CBD, PSP, FTD, ALS, Vascular Dementia, AD, etc., died Nov. 30, 2010 after living in ALF for 18 months.


Sun Dec 12, 2010 12:04 pm
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Joined: Fri Aug 11, 2006 1:46 pm
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Location: SF Bay Area (Northern CA)
Post Re: Leaving husband in respite care
Jeanie,
I like Gerry's white lie idea. I hope you are able to relax on the cruise!
Robin


Sun Dec 12, 2010 2:26 pm
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Joined: Fri Jun 05, 2009 4:15 pm
Posts: 82
Location: Onsted MI
Post Re: Leaving husband in respite care
Wow, I never expected so many responses. Thank you all. It really helps to hear others suggestions. Wayne has no concept of time, doesn't know what day it is and can't tell time anymore. It was one of the last skills he lost. My plan is to tell him the day we are taking him...actually we will be taking him later in the day around 5 pm. My daughter is coming with me. I really liked the idea of crossing off days on a calendar and giving him cards to open everyday I am gone. I think I will tell him I am going on a short trip and will be back in a few days. I have already told several of his friends where he will be and they are going to visit him. I am going to put a photo of us up in his room too.

Now I will try not to worry......thanks again....Jeanie


Sun Dec 12, 2010 6:08 pm
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Joined: Wed Dec 30, 2009 1:46 pm
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Location: WA
Post Re: Leaving husband in respite care
Have a great trip, Jeanie! :-)

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Pat [68] married to Derek [84] for 38 years; husband dx PDD/LBD 2005, probably began 2002 or earlier; late stage and in a SNF as of January 2011. Hospitalized 11/2/2013 and discharged to home Hospice. Passed away at home on 11/9/2013.


Sun Dec 12, 2010 6:19 pm
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Joined: Fri Jan 15, 2010 9:33 pm
Posts: 3306
Location: Vermont
Post Re: Leaving husband in respite care
Jeanie - having visitors should help him, too, while you are gone so I think that's good that you are getting his friends lined up to see him. I tried to do that for my dad as much as possible when I wasn't there. Most of the time it worked so that everyone wasn't there on the same day, a little tricky since all his friends and relatives were a minimum of an hour's drive. When our LOs lose the ability to understand time it can be a mixed blessing. By the time you get back from your trip, he may not know you've been gone for a while!
There were times, however, when I'd have spent a week or two with him in MD, then I'd drive back to VT, and he'd call the next day and want to know when I was coming to see him. I'd try to explain that I was just there and needed to be home for a few weeks, to which he'd say "I haven't seen you for months." Those were very frustrating conversations, and left me feeling that I could never do enough..... :cry: Then I'd get on the phone and call his friends and relatives and ask them to see him asap. I realized that he didn't know when I was there, so I had to get over it and just do what I could!
I hope your husband doesn't realize you've been "MIA" and that you have a relaxing trip. You deserve it. Lynn

_________________
Lynn, daughter of 89 year old dad dx with possiblity of LBD, CBD, PSP, FTD, ALS, Vascular Dementia, AD, etc., died Nov. 30, 2010 after living in ALF for 18 months.


Sun Dec 12, 2010 6:23 pm
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Joined: Fri Jun 05, 2009 4:15 pm
Posts: 82
Location: Onsted MI
Post Re: Leaving husband in respite care
Dear LBD Friends ~ I was very concerned about Wayne's reaction about going into the nursing home while we went on a cruise but all went smoothly. I told him in the morning that we were going on a little vacation and he was going to stay in a nice place...he said "NO" very clearly....but had forgotton what I had told him and went with us in the car without complaint or combatativeness that afternoon. We took him into the nursing home and he was very compliant. Thank the Lord. I had several of our friends lined up to visit him. We had a wonderful vacation and cruise.

Wayne had regressed quite a bit and couldn't walk or feed himself when we picked him up but in the 4 days that we have been back he has improved. Thank you all for your help and suggestions.


Thu Jan 06, 2011 8:31 am
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Joined: Wed Dec 30, 2009 1:46 pm
Posts: 3213
Location: WA
Post Re: Leaving husband in respite care
I'm glad to hear it worked well for you and you got a nice vacation and that Wayne is getting back to baseline. I know how hard it is to leave them but you really do need the break.

_________________
Pat [68] married to Derek [84] for 38 years; husband dx PDD/LBD 2005, probably began 2002 or earlier; late stage and in a SNF as of January 2011. Hospitalized 11/2/2013 and discharged to home Hospice. Passed away at home on 11/9/2013.


Thu Jan 06, 2011 10:15 am
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Joined: Fri Aug 11, 2006 1:46 pm
Posts: 4811
Location: SF Bay Area (Northern CA)
Post Re: Leaving husband in respite care
What a relief for you that it worked out!


Thu Jan 06, 2011 11:35 am
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