A psychologist who leads our support group always says that although the illness is an unrelenting decline, there is also a miracle happening, which is the human and spiritual growth of the caregiver. I believe it, although the growing pains are hell.

The tiniest example of my growth was when I learned to set aside my every earnest instinct and answer Dad's concrete requests with an emotional gift totally lacking in practical impetus. When he said "I want to move back to Michigan," I said "That's a GREAT idea!!...linger in the feeling of total agreement, pause, smile with the joy of discovering a great idea .... slow down... get lost in reminisicing... "You know, my favorite thing about your house is the.... etc..." The first time I flat out agreed with a request of his which I had no intention of operationalizing violated all my to-do-list tendencies and felt crazy. But it also gave me and Dad a rosy moment of union and liberated me from turning every conversation into an action plan.

I know it doesn't always work, some of our LO's still line up the steps needed to get something done and want real action. But I've learned to really enjoy these new chances at being a sweetly ineffective flake, it's like taking a vacation from my personality. Funny, when I first learned how to do that, I was dating a nice (very logical!) man who was wildly afraid that I would use my newfound powers to paralyze him in the middle of a couples argument!

What a touching story. All of us could do well to remember the joy of agreements between two people. The sharing of a common thought/wish versus the oppositional stance we so often find ourselves taking. We can validate the thought and the want even if we canno implement the deed. Thank you for sharing this with us. Nan

Thank you from me, too, Sue. Nice vignette!

On the suggestion of Robin, I have moved this post from another place. It was written a couple of days ago.

Dale is still mobile and the disease has not taken away most of his ordinary daily skills. He can shave, shower himself, etc. However, he is always bored and I think that leads to increased delusions and hallucinations. I try to take him away from the house almost every day because his mind seems better when his eyes are exposed to more than the walls of our house.

In the past couple of days, we've been involved in social situations that are stimulating for me but I wonder what they are doing to his mind. When I'm actively involved in conversation with friends, he sits quietly. He is really happy (and actually, extremely grateful) when someone opts to single him out and communicate with him directly. His face lights up and he becomes a different person. That, of course, is rare.

Yesterday, I was answering some questions asked by a male friend who is 20 years younger than I am - and Dale became very agitated and angry. He didn't like the fact that I was 'too friendly' with the younger man. Dale apologized later but I'm aware that we are living in two very different worlds at this point. In Dale's world, it's sad --- but people are not to be trusted and paranoia rules.