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 Am I doing the right thing? 
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Joined: Sun Jan 24, 2010 3:27 pm
Posts: 26
Location: Illinois
Post Am I doing the right thing?
Well, I am confused on if I am doing the right thing. Mom swears dad is having a affair or a relationship with a woman he worked with years ago (his old secretary). She says that she over hears him on the phone talking with her and that he said that he no longer loves mom. She says that "Sharron" has told her that she is going to take dad from mom. She says that Sharron has told her that they are going to get married. Sharron lives out of state and I don't know if my dad talks to her after all these years. Dad says that he hasn't. Mom wants to leave the house. Mom has given me her engagement ring. Now today she gave me a neckless that Dad gave her years ago. I took the ring because she was in fear that her "guest" would it and she did not want that to happen. Now the neckless she never takes off ,ever.... and she gave it to me and would not take no for a answer. I told dad that she gave it to me and he got really upset. He went to her and said that he was extreamly dissappointed in her that she would give that neckless to me and she said... "I dont want it anymore". I feel terrible for taking it but at leaste I know it will be fine in my hands. How do I keep playing the game when it is tearing my mom and dad apart? I want to do what is right for the both of them. When is it time to tell mom no? I don't want to upset her anymore than she already is.

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lots of love and prayers
Lynda


Sun Apr 04, 2010 8:44 pm
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Joined: Fri Jan 15, 2010 9:33 pm
Posts: 3377
Location: Vermont
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Oh boy Lynda, tough weekend for all of you it sounds like. Have you (or your dad or anyone) tried to explain logically and forthrightly to your mom about her disease? I know trying to be logical with folks who have LBD doesn't work most of the time, but sometimes I can break through to my dad and he "gets it". Does she really get that she has dementia? If she has some lucid moments is it possible to talk with her adult to adult? I think my dad tries to be in denial until I really need him to understand what's going on and then he at least attempts to pay attention and understand.
I think your biggest challenge is with your dad who somehow, for his own survival, needs to find a way to disengage from your mom's "hurtful" behavior. It is not healthy for him, as you know, to react as though she is in her right mind when she is in her paranoid delusional state. Will he attend your support group or see a counselor who can help him? Maybe once your support group starts and he hears others it will help him. I think you were trying to get him on this or other LBD sites. Has he done that yet?
Take care and I'll probably catch you on chat later. Lynn


Sun Apr 04, 2010 9:10 pm
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Joined: Fri Aug 11, 2006 1:46 pm
Posts: 4811
Location: SF Bay Area (Northern CA)
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The issue of the necklace, ring, and alleged infidelity is really something that has to be worked out between your parents. Your dad needs to come to terms with the idea that his wife has LBD. My suggestion is for you to stay out of it.

Can you and your father take a class in dealing with dementia-related behavior? Or get some counseling on this topic?


Sun Apr 04, 2010 9:33 pm
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Joined: Sun Jan 24, 2010 3:27 pm
Posts: 26
Location: Illinois
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Lynn... well I know my dad is opening up to the fact slowly. He has taken my suggestion about taking notes.. which might not seem like much to the normal person but for my dad that is a major step in the right direction. He is working hard on his tone and anger with mom. I know he just wanted to scream at her but instead he just said he was disappointed in her. I know it is extreamly hard for him being married for 53 years and dealing with the new Betty. I think he might come around once my support group gets started who knows. I think he is doing the best he can right now with what he has to work with. My mom asked me to help her understand what is happening to her"as Shocked' as I was that she asked, I jumped on the it.. I gave my book to read and told her that I hope she gets some answers to some of her questions. I also told her that I was researching alot on this and she was happy to hear that.

Robin: I wish I could stay out of it..but I can't. My mom needs someone right now that she can trust and rely on. I am there to help anyway I can with anything they throw at me but I just need to know when I should draw the line. My mom doesn't want to talk with my dad and I am the one that she trusts.

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lots of love and prayers
Lynda


Sun Apr 04, 2010 10:11 pm
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Joined: Wed Aug 05, 2009 11:17 pm
Posts: 26
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Lynda,
Reading your post took me back about a year ago when my Mom took such a fast turn into this disease. My parents have been married 64 years, they had a great marriage and were always best friends. Then my Mom starting telling my Dad and me she guessed she needed to find an attorney and divorce my Dad, because he was having an affair she said. My Dad is 89 years old. At that time I tried to reason with her about how silly that was and at that time after we talked she would be OK. But less than a week would go by and it would all start over again. It was hurtful to my Dad and it broke my heart,but he seemed to be able to realize how sick Mom was. In my Mom's case it seemed to be a different woman each time, once it was even two young women. My Dad would ask Mom where these women were and she would go to the TV sometimes. It was about this time I found this websight and read all the same stories about the person with LBD accusing their spouse of having an affair. So much of my Mom's behavior was just like so many others on this websight. I shared the stories with my Dad and it made such a difference to be able to understand the hurtful behavior was the disease itself. My Dad told me he had to go into the same mode he went into while he was in the war, just blank out the bad stuff best he could and know it was her disease and she couldn't control it and it wasn't going to go away. My Dad and I are the main caretakers of Mom. Even tho she is the sick one, I know my Dad needs to be able to talk and not have to always be so tough. So as a daughter you want to be there for both parents. Maybe sharing the stories on this websight with your Dad can help your Dad as it did mine. Because the days of reasoning with your Mom will be more difficult.


Mon Apr 05, 2010 9:07 pm
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Joined: Fri Jan 15, 2010 9:33 pm
Posts: 3377
Location: Vermont
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Hi Lynda - I know the position you are in and I don't envy you one bit. I had a friend whose mom had dementia a few years ago and it was very similar. Only difference was her mom started hiding her expensive jewelry all over the house and it was just a good thing the cleaning lady hadn't vacuumed up her emerald earrings from the carpeting where she "hid" them.
This is so tough. Everyone has similar things and very unique things to deal with. I hope you can figure out something.
I thought I was going to have this big heart to heart with my dad today about his health, but then reality slapped me in the face when he said "why are all these nurses and doctors always doing this stuff to me when I am perfectly fine?" I just told him he had a few things going on right now and they are trying to help him get better, at least somewhat. The whole explanation of what he is going through is probably never going to happen because he is just too far gone to understand. He seemed so lucid several times in the past few weeks, but he really isn't, so I just have to go with that.
He thinks that the people at his ALF have stopped taking him to meals and he needs to call me or the sheriff to get him to his meals.
And so it goes. I hope you figure out something to help your dad and mom, and your support group can't happen soon enough!!! Lynn


Mon Apr 05, 2010 9:07 pm
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