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 Difficult Decision 
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Joined: Mon May 04, 2009 11:49 am
Posts: 18
Location: Ontario, Canada
Post Difficult Decision
It's been some time since my last posting. My mother has been getting worse as time progresses. She is unable to walk, needs help toiletting, is often delusional, and this morning quite paranoid. If these symptoms were new, I might consider her having something else wrong such as dehydration or constipation (been there). It's more than that. I'm at the end of my rope. I hope I don't sound selfish, but I have been away from my partner for 6 years, have not been able to work and the last 2 years it's been 24/7. I'm getting some help now, but it seems even with the help, I have hit a brick wall. But, I feel so guilty.

This morning she refused my help in favor of the caregiver stating that she didn't want ME to help her. After some terrible accusations, my eyes welled up and I just left the room. Plans are underway to have her placed, but she may have to go out of the area because the LTC facilities locally are full. That's the part that is making me think twice, or maybe I'm just trying to find excuses. I need to do this for her and for me. Where do I find the courage? Is it the right thing to do. I know that no one can really know the answer, but I'd appreciate any advice you can give me.

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Rosie,Ontario


Thu Nov 26, 2009 4:55 pm
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Joined: Fri Aug 11, 2006 1:46 pm
Posts: 4811
Location: SF Bay Area (Northern CA)
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Yes, it's the right thing to do for you both.

When I had to begin the process of telling my father that it was OK for him to do, I asked largely the same question. I was told to "gird my loins." So that's what I did. You can too.


Fri Nov 27, 2009 2:26 am
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Joined: Mon May 04, 2009 11:49 am
Posts: 18
Location: Ontario, Canada
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Thanks Robin. I learned yesterday that there is a greater chance of my mom being placed locally than not. It could happen between 1 and 3 weeks. I'll let you know.

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Rosie,Ontario


Fri Nov 27, 2009 10:44 am
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Joined: Thu Jul 03, 2008 11:05 am
Posts: 150
Location: Raleigh, NC
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Rosie,

No feelings of guilt are allowed on this journey. We're all just doing the best we can, and yes, sometimes the best thing we can do -- for our loved ones and ourselves -- is placement in a long-term-care facility. It hurts, but it does become necessary.

Perhaps one aspect of my own experience will be of comfort to you. After we moved my mother into LTC, I became her daughter again. The delusions and paranoia no longer focused on me.

Take heart. We're here when you need us.

Garnet


Fri Nov 27, 2009 2:35 pm
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Joined: Mon May 04, 2009 11:49 am
Posts: 18
Location: Ontario, Canada
Post Difficult Decision
Yes, your comments were a comfort to me. I really do wish that my mother and I could have a more peaceful relationship. It takes a lot out of both of us. Little things like as we were watching tv together tonight, she insisted she couldn't see it. There were baby clothes hanging in front of the set. She got angry that I didn't see them, and I insisted that I couldn't see what she was seeing. Oh, Well, you know what I mean, I'm sure.

Thank you so much. I'm sending a great big cyber hug. I will stay in touch.

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Rosie,Ontario


Sat Nov 28, 2009 12:13 am
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Joined: Thu Feb 04, 2010 8:54 am
Posts: 9
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Sorry to hear you are having such a hard time Rosie... My mother (with LBD) and brother had the same kind of relationship. She lived with him until she was placed in a residence. Today things are a little different, he says she has never wanted to live with him (single guy) and I have never had the room (married with 3 children,and a home owner, so different than renting because you can pack up and leave in 2 months). My brother does little for her now. He put so much of himself into it in the early stages that I had to let him have his life back. I do everything now, but I don't think either of us feels bad about the way things have turned out. I hope that helps you :)
Tammy[/code]


Sun Mar 21, 2010 9:12 am
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