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 Don't be condescending, Honey 
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Joined: Fri Dec 31, 2010 3:07 pm
Posts: 1039
Location: Minnesota
Post Don't be condescending, Honey
A member of my local support group reports that the NH has a new aide dealing with her husband and she has had to go into training mode again, to stop her from using terms of endearment with him.

I wondered if that bothers patients. One day while Coy was in a particularly clear frame of mind, I asked him. "If someone at your day program, or at a clinic, or, let's say you have to be in a rehab center for a while ... if one of the professionals in these places called you 'dear' or 'honey' or 'sugar' would you like that, or would it bother you? You know, if she said, 'lift your arm up here, dear, so I can slip this under it' -- is that OK?"

He didn't hesitate. "I would consider that condescending. That is how you talk to a child. You can call me dear. A professional should not." (Condescending was his word.)

Well, that is good to know. If/when he is in a long term care facility, I will take up my friend's campaign to have our husbands addressed with dignity and respect for their age.

I wonder if this is regional at all? Seems to me when I've travelled there are places where waitresses all seemed to use terms like that with everyone. "Can you hand me that menu, honey?"

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Jeanne, 68 cared for husband Coy, 86. RBD for 30+ years; LDB since 2003, Coy at home, in early stage, until death in 2012


Sun Sep 11, 2011 9:18 pm
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Joined: Sun Jun 24, 2007 5:35 pm
Posts: 344
Post Re: Don't be condescending, Honey
Hi, Jeanne.
I think it is condescending, too, but it is definitely a very southern thing. I am from the South, but in restaurants I want to say back to that waitress, "OK, Sweetie Pie!" :P
It feels like ageism. Few people called me Honey in restaurants when I was 20 or 30 something.
Another thing I have noticed is that sometimes people talk a lot louder when they realize John is not completely well. It probably bothers me more than it does him because he is so easy going.

_________________
Pat Snyder, husband John, dx LBD 2007
Author of [i]Treasures in the Darkness: Extending Early Stage of LBD...[i][/i] [url]http://www.amazon.com/Treasures-Darkness-Extending-Alzheimers-Parkinsons/dp/1466428228/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1334092686&sr=8-1[/url]


Sun Sep 11, 2011 10:59 pm
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Joined: Thu Apr 21, 2011 9:07 pm
Posts: 247
Post Re: Don't be condescending, Honey
Gaahhh... inappropriate and unprofessional, however well intended.
That being said, though, there really is a Southern subculture in which it is simply the default mode of address for someone whose name you don't know.

When I first moved to TX some years ago, I was horrified to hear my dept head address one of the young administrative assistants as "Darling". But he hastened to explain to me that no, he was not being southern or sexist, that happened to be her given name. Evidently she was the youngest in a very large family and her parents were running short of ideas and names, and didn't give too much thought to the confusion that would ensue 20 years later.

Laurel

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Laurel - mother (97) diagnosed April, 2011, with LBD; died May, 2014.


Mon Sep 12, 2011 12:38 am
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Joined: Fri Dec 31, 2010 3:07 pm
Posts: 1039
Location: Minnesota
Post Re: Don't be condescending, Honey
:lol: I think if my parents had named me Darling, I might have fun with it socially, but at work I would be DG, or use my middle name, or just pick something I liked. Maybe I'd be Darlene.

I thought my son-in-law told me over the phone that they named our second granddaughter Honor. Hmmm ... I was relieved to learn it was actually Anna.

Coy has had a little fun with his name over the years. :P

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Jeanne, 68 cared for husband Coy, 86. RBD for 30+ years; LDB since 2003, Coy at home, in early stage, until death in 2012


Mon Sep 12, 2011 3:43 am
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Joined: Tue Mar 29, 2011 3:02 pm
Posts: 386
Location: East TN
Post Re: Don't be condescending, Honey
Yankee problem…. :lol:

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Craig - Patient - Male - 56 years old - Lewy Bodies diagnosed on March 23, 2011 - cognitive disorder NOS dx 2007 - RBD REM dx 2007 issues for 20+ years - intention tremor 1974 - other issues many years


Mon Sep 12, 2011 10:22 am
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Joined: Wed Dec 30, 2009 1:46 pm
Posts: 3213
Location: WA
Post Re: Don't be condescending, Honey
BayouCajun wrote:
Yankee problem…. :lol:

Yep. Doesn't bother me to be called 'honey' by hairdressers, waitresses or care providers although I am a Yankee gal. My husband doesn't mind, either. The caregivers at his SNF don't use these terms, though, as there are probably some who wouldn't like it.

_________________
Pat [68] married to Derek [84] for 38 years; husband dx PDD/LBD 2005, probably began 2002 or earlier; late stage and in a SNF as of January 2011. Hospitalized 11/2/2013 and discharged to home Hospice. Passed away at home on 11/9/2013.


Mon Sep 12, 2011 11:30 am
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Joined: Mon Feb 14, 2011 10:22 pm
Posts: 190
Location: Portland, Or
Post Re: Don't be condescending, Honey
Oh boy! This is one of my pet peeves......my youngest child had learning disabilities and so spent part of his school day with the special ed teacher. In 7th grade Mrs T was calling him "dear, sweetie, hon, etc"... He told her "My name is Aaron, please don't call me anything else".....it continued. I called and spoke to Mrs T and asked her nicely to stop using these terms with Aaron as it really bothered him.......it continued. I called and spoke to the principal.....it continued. After several months of this I had a meeting with the superintendent of schools ( small coastal community, not a big deal) and told him that if a male gym teacher was calling his 12 & 13 year old female students honey, sweetie, dear, they would be slapped with a sexual harassment suit and if Mrs T didn't start using my sons given name, I would file a suit. This finally stopped it, my son was promoted to high school and I breathed a sigh of relief......until his sophomore year when his IEP( Individual Education Plan) was mailed to the house and Mrs T's name was on the list of teachers who would be attending. I called the school and told them I didn't want her anywhere near my son, no exceptions! He had a wonderful spec ed teacher all through HS, and we gave her flowers at his graduation because without her I think he would have given up and not graduated.
On my son's 18th birthday, we went out to dinner at one of the nicer restaurants in town and when the waitress came to take our order it was Mrs T! To this day I wonder if she spit in my food!!!! :lol: :lol:

P.S. Normally I don't have a huge problem with the use of dear, hon, sweetie, though I try to be careful with my own use of "endearments".

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Ellen 59, caregiver for mom Marion 81,dx LBD Feb 2011


Last edited by empritchard on Mon Sep 12, 2011 12:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.



Mon Sep 12, 2011 11:42 am
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Joined: Fri Dec 31, 2010 3:07 pm
Posts: 1039
Location: Minnesota
Post Re: Don't be condescending, Honey
What a story! Did she ask what kind of dressing do you want on your salad, hon? :lol:

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Jeanne, 68 cared for husband Coy, 86. RBD for 30+ years; LDB since 2003, Coy at home, in early stage, until death in 2012


Mon Sep 12, 2011 11:45 am
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Joined: Tue Feb 23, 2010 10:32 am
Posts: 215
Location: Kalispell, MT
Post Re: Don't be condescending, Honey
Yes, it is a southern thing, and except in totally inappropriate circumstances such as with Ellen's son, or used in a condescending manner by someone with authority, it doesn't bother me or most people I know. The caregivers at my husband's ALF in Montana had all kinds of nicknames and terms of endearment for the residents, and I considered it caring and not condescending. Doubt if he could notice or care. Maybe those of us who have grown up in that culture can subconsciously tell which usage is ok and which is not.


Mon Sep 12, 2011 12:04 pm
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Joined: Fri Dec 31, 2010 3:07 pm
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Location: Minnesota
Post Re: Don't be condescending, Honey
I'm not sure it would bother me if it hadn't been brought to my attention by the support group member. That is why I asked Coy how he felt. (That isn't in his health care directive, and we'd never discussed it before. :lol: )

And if we were actually in a southern facility, or if the aide using it had a southern accent, I'd take the cultural norm into consideration. In the midwest professionals don't address clients as honey! :roll:

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Jeanne, 68 cared for husband Coy, 86. RBD for 30+ years; LDB since 2003, Coy at home, in early stage, until death in 2012


Mon Sep 12, 2011 12:42 pm
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Joined: Wed Dec 30, 2009 1:46 pm
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Location: WA
Post Re: Don't be condescending, Honey
JeanneG wrote:
In the midwest professionals don't address clients as honey! :roll:


Well, Jean, I attribute that to the Scandinavian/German influence. There is less overall interpersonal familiarity in the upper Midwest than in the West or the South. That's just my unscientific observation. 8)

_________________
Pat [68] married to Derek [84] for 38 years; husband dx PDD/LBD 2005, probably began 2002 or earlier; late stage and in a SNF as of January 2011. Hospitalized 11/2/2013 and discharged to home Hospice. Passed away at home on 11/9/2013.


Mon Sep 12, 2011 2:03 pm
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Joined: Sat Oct 06, 2007 4:28 pm
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Location: LA
Post Re: Don't be condescending, Honey
No wonder I have lived a confused llife. My mother [and my grandmother who lived with us in my growing up years] came from Wisconson and my father was born and raised in Mississoppi. Yes, I grew up in Mississippi but the Wisconsin influence was strong! I loved them all but they were different. Then I married into a French/German family.

Dorthea

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"See this lady she's 85 but she's nice" When I joined in 2007 this is the way Mr B. introduced me to the people only he knew,he added "You need to listen to her" he was 89 then, death due to Lewy Body Dementia/pneumonia in 2009.


Mon Sep 12, 2011 3:51 pm
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Joined: Wed Dec 30, 2009 1:46 pm
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Location: WA
Post Re: Don't be condescending, Honey
It takes longer to get to know upper Midwesterners [IMHO] but they are worth getting to know. :P

_________________
Pat [68] married to Derek [84] for 38 years; husband dx PDD/LBD 2005, probably began 2002 or earlier; late stage and in a SNF as of January 2011. Hospitalized 11/2/2013 and discharged to home Hospice. Passed away at home on 11/9/2013.


Mon Sep 12, 2011 3:54 pm
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Joined: Fri Dec 31, 2010 3:07 pm
Posts: 1039
Location: Minnesota
Post Re: Don't be condescending, Honey
Ya, you betcha, Pat!

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Jeanne, 68 cared for husband Coy, 86. RBD for 30+ years; LDB since 2003, Coy at home, in early stage, until death in 2012


Mon Sep 12, 2011 5:20 pm
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Joined: Wed Dec 30, 2009 1:46 pm
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Location: WA
Post Re: Don't be condescending, Honey
JeanneG wrote:
Ya, you betcha, Pat!
:lol:

_________________
Pat [68] married to Derek [84] for 38 years; husband dx PDD/LBD 2005, probably began 2002 or earlier; late stage and in a SNF as of January 2011. Hospitalized 11/2/2013 and discharged to home Hospice. Passed away at home on 11/9/2013.


Mon Sep 12, 2011 5:59 pm
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