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 Hired Caregiver's Guilt Trip 
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Joined: Fri May 28, 2010 4:46 pm
Posts: 119
Location: Salem, Oregon
Post Hired Caregiver's Guilt Trip
My dad recently hired a caregiver for my mom for three mornings a week. He used an agency recommended to us by an elder care advisor. During the initial visit with the person in charge of placing caregivers, my dad told her that this would be a temporary assignment because he'd already put a deposit down at a memory care unit and expected my mom would move in before the end of the year. He named the unit.

The next week, the actual caregiver began working. On her second day, she said to my dad, "Whatever you do, don't put her in a facility. Keep her at home." The next time she came, she said, "You're not thinking about putting her in ____________, are you?" and she named the very place he'd mentioned to the person who placed her. She went on to say it was a terrible facility. We're pretty sure she was told that my mom would be going there, and now it seems like she's trying to sabotage that plan by giving my dad a guilt trip.

We chose the facility we did after visiting several. We were most impressed with this facility, and we've heard good things about it from people we know personally who have had loved ones there. The elder care advisor also recommended it. It meets my mom's and our family's needs best in a variety of ways. My aunt even applied to be an assistant activities director, so my mom's own sister might even end up being an employee there. We wish we could get 24-hour, one-on-one care for her with a caregiver, but that's not going to work for number of reasons. I see the stress caregiving is taking on my dad, and he won't be able to do it much longer.

We like the caregiver because she's very industrious, good with Mom, and she's fairly tall and strong so can lift her easily. I think she's probably trying to discourage my dad from putting Mom in a facility because she's hoping to turn this into a permanent full-time position for herself. My parents have a pleasant home, and my mom is an easy patient. The last thing my dad needs, though, is a guilt trip. It's a heartbreaking decision for him, and one he is putting off as long as possible. My dad told her that he is in fact planning to put Mom in ______________ when her needs outweigh his ability to care for her when a caregiver isn't present. If she continues to bring it up, I'll talk with her, but I don't like confrontation and hope she'll keep her thoughts to herself now.


Wed Aug 10, 2011 6:28 pm
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Joined: Fri Aug 11, 2006 1:46 pm
Posts: 4811
Location: SF Bay Area (Northern CA)
Post Re: Hired Caregiver's Guilt Trip
I think you should contact the initial person you met with through the agency, and explain what has happened. Make very clear that you don't want the caregiver to bring up your mother's care plan again. I would also mention this incident to the elder care advisor. The advisor should know the good and the bad of your family's experience with this agency.


Wed Aug 10, 2011 8:23 pm
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Joined: Tue Dec 29, 2009 2:28 pm
Posts: 463
Location: Minnesota
Post Re: Hired Caregiver's Guilt Trip
I agree with Robin, but I'll go one step further. Tell the original representative that you want her replaced immediately. And let the agency rep know that, should the second caregiver they send behave in the same unprofessional way, you will find another agency. This woman sounds pretty brazen. You don't need her around your parents or their possessions.

Kate

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Kate [i](Cared for Mom for years before anyone else noticed the symptoms, but the last year of her life was rough and we needed to place her in an SNF, where she passed in February 2012)[/i]


Wed Aug 10, 2011 8:42 pm
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Joined: Mon Feb 14, 2011 10:22 pm
Posts: 187
Location: Portland, Or
Post Re: Hired Caregiver's Guilt Trip
I agree with Robin and Kate, contact the agency and let them know what the caregiver has been saying and how negatively it's effecting your dad. Before my mom got too sick to be left alone ( last Oct), I worked part-time as a caregiver through an agency and that caregiver has definitely overstepped boundaries. I can't believe that she was brazen enough to do so in her first week!! We all struggle so much with that very personal decision on whether or not to place our loved ones outside our homes and it really makes me mad that she would make your dad feel guilty like that. How unprofessional!! If you think she's capable and doing a good job other than that, you could have the agency give her a warning about "boundaries".
Ellen

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Ellen 59, caregiver for mom Marion 81,dx LBD Feb 2011


Thu Aug 11, 2011 12:10 am
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Joined: Fri Dec 31, 2010 3:07 pm
Posts: 1039
Location: Minnesota
Post Re: Hired Caregiver's Guilt Trip
Maybe she means well. Maybe she has selfish motives. Either way, it is none of her business and at the very least boundaries must be set right now. Or a replacement is in order. Confrontations? Who likes them! Ick! but we all gotta do what we gotta do for the sake of our loved ones who can't advocate effectively for themselves.

Sorry you have to deal with this. :cry:

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Jeanne, 68 cared for husband Coy, 86. RBD for 30+ years; LDB since 2003, Coy at home, in early stage, until death in 2012


Thu Aug 11, 2011 12:42 am
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Joined: Fri Nov 05, 2010 11:30 pm
Posts: 317
Location: southern cali
Post Re: Hired Caregiver's Guilt Trip
i agree.. you and your family dont need this extra aggravation at this time.. they are there to comfort and help, not add to the stress...

i'm always one to give the extra benefit of the doubt.. and hear both sides.. for me, i think, i would take the women aside and tell her your concerns and set the boundaries.. there might be soemthing that has happened, that caused her concerns about that facility and it would be good to know. if you are not happy with her answers or her reasons..i'd get someone new, asap!!

then i'd let the agency know.. either way, even if you are able to work it out..might be something they are missing in their training of "not to dos"!!

what ever you decide, hope it works out for you and your family..
cindi

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sole CG for hubby.1st symptoms, 2000, at 55. Diag with AD at 62, LB at 64.. vietnam vet..100% ptsd disability,sprayed with agent orange, which doubled chances for dementia. ER visit 1-14,released to memory care..


Thu Aug 11, 2011 1:11 pm
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Joined: Fri May 28, 2010 4:46 pm
Posts: 119
Location: Salem, Oregon
Post Re: Hired Caregiver's Guilt Trip
Thank you, everyone. My dad was very clear with her that we had chosen the place already and that we expect to be moving her there in a month or two. I think he'd feel guilty whether she'd said anything or not. I want to see whether or not she can respect his decision now that he's made it clear to her or if she'll bring it up again before I say anything. If he was wavering based on what she said, I'd feel more intentional about speaking to her right away.

Mom nodded her head when we asked her if she likes her caregiver, and we think that it's most important that Mom feels comfortable with her. She's been successful getting Mom to use her walker or cane and keep a gait belt on (things Dad couldn't get her to do). Dad likes her (other than her statements about facilities) because she will clean while my mom's asleep but is very alert to when Mom begins to stir and is right by her side.


Thu Aug 11, 2011 8:03 pm
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Joined: Fri Dec 31, 2010 3:07 pm
Posts: 1039
Location: Minnesota
Post Re: Hired Caregiver's Guilt Trip
Sounds like you've got a handle on things. I'm glad your dad is strong.

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Jeanne, 68 cared for husband Coy, 86. RBD for 30+ years; LDB since 2003, Coy at home, in early stage, until death in 2012


Fri Aug 12, 2011 12:08 am
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Joined: Wed Dec 30, 2009 1:46 pm
Posts: 3173
Location: WA
Post Re: Hired Caregiver's Guilt Trip
In agreement with the above posts, I believe the agency needs to know that their employee is behaving very unprofessionally. And I would also have her replaced.

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Pat [68] married to Derek [84] for 38 years; husband dx PDD/LBD 2005, probably began 2002 or earlier; late stage and in a SNF as of January 2011. Hospitalized 11/2/2013 and discharged to home Hospice. Passed away at home on 11/9/2013.


Fri Aug 12, 2011 12:04 pm
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Joined: Fri Jan 15, 2010 9:33 pm
Posts: 3113
Location: Vermont
Post Re: Hired Caregiver's Guilt Trip
For what it's worth, I agree with everyone's postings and I'd get this CG replaced immediately. The last thing any of you need is someone else guilt-tripping and questioning your decisions. Voicing legitimate concerns about a facility at an appropriate time and place is one thing, but it sure does sound like she has an agenda for having said what she did.
I am sure that agency must have other CGs that your mom and your family would like who would not insert his/her personal opinions like this person did. All the best during this tough time, Lynn

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Lynn, daughter of 89 year old dad dx with possiblity of LBD, CBD, PSP, FTD, ALS, Vascular Dementia, AD, etc., died Nov. 30, 2010 after living in ALF for 18 months.


Sat Aug 13, 2011 11:08 am
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Joined: Wed Dec 30, 2009 1:46 pm
Posts: 3173
Location: WA
Post Re: Hired Caregiver's Guilt Trip
As an addendum I would add that home care agencies DO have an agenda and obviously benefit from non-placement. Since Derek's home health caregiver also worked at the SNF he is now placed in, he would hardly have said anything negative about it. But they make it sound like 'keeping your loved one at home' is always the best and it is NOT always the best. Nor is it more affordable. If I had employed the cg for only 16 hours/day it would now cost $352/day compared to the $240/day at the SNF where he receives around-the-clock care, five meals a day and planned activities [if he were interested].

_________________
Pat [68] married to Derek [84] for 38 years; husband dx PDD/LBD 2005, probably began 2002 or earlier; late stage and in a SNF as of January 2011. Hospitalized 11/2/2013 and discharged to home Hospice. Passed away at home on 11/9/2013.


Sat Aug 13, 2011 12:22 pm
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Joined: Fri Jan 15, 2010 9:33 pm
Posts: 3113
Location: Vermont
Post Re: Hired Caregiver's Guilt Trip
The financial piece is a big one. It cost almost the same for me to have a CG come in for 4 - 5 hours a day as it did for the nice ALF my dad was in. And, the ALF included all sorts of things, as you said Pat. When a person needs 2-3 CGs to pick them up off the floor, out of bed, from chair to bed, etc. then the cost is so exhorbitant that hardly anyone could afford that. My dad became a 2-person assist within a couple of months of being in the ALF where all his expenses were included. And even though his care level cost more as he needed more help, it was nowhere near as expensive as home care with 2 or more people.
His next door neighbor was very upset he was moving to an ALF and she kept asking me why I didn't "just have someone come in" to help him. I explained that we didn't have about $20,000+ per month to pay someone, not knowing how long he'd live. She tried to put a lot of pressure on me to keep him at home.
And there would not be an RN most hours of the day available when he needed one, among other things.

_________________
Lynn, daughter of 89 year old dad dx with possiblity of LBD, CBD, PSP, FTD, ALS, Vascular Dementia, AD, etc., died Nov. 30, 2010 after living in ALF for 18 months.


Sat Aug 13, 2011 12:33 pm
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Joined: Tue Dec 29, 2009 2:28 pm
Posts: 463
Location: Minnesota
Post Re: Hired Caregiver's Guilt Trip
Amen!

And I get to sleep at night - occasionally.

And, get this. Sometimes Mom is more comfortable with the aides and nurses she sees all day, everyday, than she is with her daughters, who still visit her for 2 to 3 hours every day, though taking turns. And she loves the activities. She's gotten kind of competitive with the games with that huge ball. And she really loves the music. There's a Sister (it's a Catholic home, though we aren't Catholic) who brings a Celtic harp around and sings to or with the residents. She and I sometimes even take off in harmony or in rounds. It's almost as much fun for me as it is for Mom.

Though I have a really hard time of it when Mom gets sad, she'd get sad at home, anyway. My sister reminded Mom that her mother had often said she was having a "blue" day. Now Mom just considers her sadness as being "blue," like her Mom.

All in all, everyone has benefited from the move. I'm glad we did it.

Kate

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Kate [i](Cared for Mom for years before anyone else noticed the symptoms, but the last year of her life was rough and we needed to place her in an SNF, where she passed in February 2012)[/i]


Sun Aug 14, 2011 10:08 pm
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Joined: Fri Jan 15, 2010 9:33 pm
Posts: 3113
Location: Vermont
Post Re: Hired Caregiver's Guilt Trip
Kate - it's so nice your mom was able and willing to partake in the activities at the ALF. The one my dad was in was small but they had lots of activities, including once a week bussing people out on short field trips. Once my dad moved in he became very anti-social except for wanting to have visitors in his room all the time. So he'd call his CGs constantly if one wasn't in his room with him. If one of them wasn't with him 24/7 (which they obviously couldn't do) he'd complain that "this place isn't all that they advertised. You can't get any service around here."
He didn't want to meet new people, go to the activities room or even go out on the bus trips. We tried everything to get him involved but he shut himself off from everyone he didn't know and even some of the ALF residents he'd known for years.
It must take a load off you knowing your mom has fit in so well and is keeping busy. Lynn

_________________
Lynn, daughter of 89 year old dad dx with possiblity of LBD, CBD, PSP, FTD, ALS, Vascular Dementia, AD, etc., died Nov. 30, 2010 after living in ALF for 18 months.


Mon Aug 15, 2011 9:21 am
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Joined: Fri May 28, 2010 4:46 pm
Posts: 119
Location: Salem, Oregon
Post Re: Hired Caregiver's Guilt Trip
Today I got a call from the head of the caregiver's placement agency. She left a message because I was unavailable. She said she was concerned because the caregiver told her Mom had fallen twice this morning while she was there and twice yesterday when she wasn't there. She wanted to talk with my about my parents' living arrangements. She was out of the office when I got the message so I haven't been able to talk with her about it yet. I was surprised, though, because we told her in the beginning that my mom falls frequently, sometimes 2-3 times a day. As long as she can walk, she's going to fall, and we simply can't prevent them all. This is not news to me. I'm also surprised because my dad has his full mental capabilities, so why didn't she call him? I called my dad to ask him what he thought, and he said that she wants him to hire 1-2 more caregivers. He's frustrated because that won't solve the problem of her falling. It's just more caregivers to keep busy while she sleeps most of the time. My niece cleans, so the house is reasonably clean. Not a whole lot to do in there while she's sleeping.

Someone from the memory care unit we've chosen is coming to evaluate her on Tuesday with the goal of moving her in with the next opening. We expect it to be very soon. She'll still fall there, I'm sure. But the shower set-up is safer and there are more people to share the work of caring for her. Plus, Dad could sleep better at night and get more done during the day when he's not visiting her. I think I need to talk with Dad about hospice, too. Her decline seems to be happening so fast.


Thu Aug 18, 2011 1:14 am
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