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 Do I tell Dad about my hospital visit? 
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Joined: Mon Feb 21, 2011 9:55 pm
Posts: 355
Post Do I tell Dad about my hospital visit?
Hi all,
I am looking for some advice.
I have to go to hospital for a few days on April 13th for a minor foot op. I will then be on crutches for at least 2 weeks. My question is, do I tell Dad the truth, or will I pretend I am just going away for a few days. I can just say I twisted my ankle or something minor like that, so that he wouldn't worry too much. He told my sister recently he was concerned that I was looking very 'shook' lately, and that I had lost weight. I don't want to worry him unnecessarily, but I know that no matter what I say, he will be cross, as he is like a child when his routine is changed in any way. I am worried because I know he will miss me terribly and I am his 'pet'. Any time he has one of his episodes, he seems to go downhill, and I hate the thought that I am going to be the one to cause this.
I am not going to say anything to him until the day before, as he just stews on things if he knows about them too long and will work himself into an awful state. I have already put off this operation several times but it is at a stage where it has to be done.

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cared for Dad who passed away on January 28th 2013 R.I.P.


Tue Apr 05, 2011 4:48 am
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Joined: Wed Oct 28, 2009 11:53 am
Posts: 969
Location: Ocala, FL
Post Re: Do I tell Dad about my hospital visit?
Ger wrote:
I will then be on crutches for at least 2 weeks.
Wait until he sees the crutches and then tell him as much of the truth as he wants to know. I wouldn't tell him the day before or pretend I was going away for a few days. Those actions might cause him undue alarm.

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Leone Carroll (75); wife of Dale (75) who passed away March 23, 2011


Tue Apr 05, 2011 5:01 am
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Joined: Mon Feb 21, 2011 9:55 pm
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Post Re: Do I tell Dad about my hospital visit?
The thing is, he sees me every day, and he will be wondering why I'm not there.

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cared for Dad who passed away on January 28th 2013 R.I.P.


Tue Apr 05, 2011 9:20 am
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Joined: Wed Dec 30, 2009 1:46 pm
Posts: 3213
Location: WA
Post Re: Do I tell Dad about my hospital visit?
I wouldn't say anything. If he is like my husband, telling him ahead of time of any event creates anxiety. Tell him after the fact--if he notices you are on crutches. My husband wouldn't notice. :lol:

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Pat [68] married to Derek [84] for 38 years; husband dx PDD/LBD 2005, probably began 2002 or earlier; late stage and in a SNF as of January 2011. Hospitalized 11/2/2013 and discharged to home Hospice. Passed away at home on 11/9/2013.


Tue Apr 05, 2011 9:26 am
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Joined: Fri Dec 31, 2010 3:07 pm
Posts: 1039
Location: Minnesota
Post Re: Do I tell Dad about my hospital visit?
Ger, does he still have a sense of time? Will he realize that he hasn't seen you for a few days? Can he take telephone calls? Would hearing from you reassure him or upset him? Would knowing why you are gone be less upsetting than worrying and assuming the worst?

"Dad, I'm going to have a minor procedure done to my foot tomorrow, to fix that xxx problem. It will be too sore to walk on for a few days, but I will be back to see you on Sunday. Here, I'll mark it on the calendar for you, so you'll know when I'll be here." Would something like that help? Maybe even a big note, "My foot is sore. I will some see you on Sunday. Love, Ger." It is hard to guess whether an explanation or a mystery will be harder on him. I think you have to play it by your own knowledge of him and your best hunches.

You must absolutely get the notion out of your head that you are the one that causes your dad to go downhill. Lewy does what Lewy is going to do, pretty much without regard outside influence. Your own life has to continue, and you must take care of you. Yes, your dad will probably not like your absence. He may even fuss and Lewy may take advantage of the situation. You are thoughtfully, lovingly trying to minimize the impact on your dad. That is all you can do. Do the best you can, move forward, and don't carry any blame with you. Dealing with Lewy is a heavy enough load all by itself. 8)

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Jeanne, 68 cared for husband Coy, 86. RBD for 30+ years; LDB since 2003, Coy at home, in early stage, until death in 2012


Tue Apr 05, 2011 9:59 am
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Joined: Mon Feb 21, 2011 9:55 pm
Posts: 355
Post Re: Do I tell Dad about my hospital visit?
Pat, he would definitely notice I am not there. Especially if I am missing for more than one day. If anything, he may think he has not seen me in weeks. He misses time during the day, and when I leave to collect kids from school, he then thinks he hasn't seen me at all that day, even though I had been there all morning looking after him.
JeanneG wrote:
Would knowing why you are gone be less upsetting than worrying and assuming the worst?

Jeanne,
This is my major dilemma - what story will be for his best. Sometimes I think maybe the truth will be best, as I can reassure him that I will be fine, and the carer can back me up with that when she is there, and can tell him she spoke to me and all is well. On the other hand, he blows everything out of proportion, and may think I am very unwell and we are not telling him.
I also thought of telling him I twisted my ankle and had to get a carer for a few days as I would not be able to look after him. This seems the best option, but I know he will not want a carer, and will get cross, which will lead to him being very cross with me when I do return, as it will be all my fault that he had to have a carer.
His hearing is very bad and he never uses the phone, so it will be total cutoff for a few days, at least.
Thanks for the advice about the guilt, Jeanne. Easier said than done, but I'll do my best.
Thanks everyone for all the advice :)

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cared for Dad who passed away on January 28th 2013 R.I.P.


Tue Apr 05, 2011 1:30 pm
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Joined: Wed Dec 30, 2009 1:46 pm
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Location: WA
Post Re: Do I tell Dad about my hospital visit?
I meant whether he would notice you are on crutches. Yes, I'm sure he would notice your absence. No, I don't think telling him beforehand would make him less anxious. This is just based on my experience. :P

_________________
Pat [68] married to Derek [84] for 38 years; husband dx PDD/LBD 2005, probably began 2002 or earlier; late stage and in a SNF as of January 2011. Hospitalized 11/2/2013 and discharged to home Hospice. Passed away at home on 11/9/2013.


Tue Apr 05, 2011 3:19 pm
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Joined: Mon Feb 21, 2011 9:55 pm
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Post Re: Do I tell Dad about my hospital visit?
Oh, ok :lol: sorry took you up wrong :lol:

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cared for Dad who passed away on January 28th 2013 R.I.P.


Tue Apr 05, 2011 3:24 pm
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Joined: Sun Aug 29, 2010 5:46 pm
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Post Re: Do I tell Dad about my hospital visit?
Ger, I agree with what others have said about taking care of yourself and also about not telling him until very shortly before you go. We think like logical adults and we would like some advance notice before something happens or changes. But with our LBD LO's, it's really unkind to do that.

My mother just worries and frets from the time I tell her something is going to happen, so telling her more than a day ahead of time is really hard on her.

Best of luck with your foot surgery--I am glad you are taking care of it!

Julianne


Tue Apr 05, 2011 3:43 pm
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Joined: Mon Feb 21, 2011 9:55 pm
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Post Re: Do I tell Dad about my hospital visit?
Thanks everyone
Julianne, I have put it off for a long time. Its come to a head and I now have no choice, or I would no longer be able to care for Dad. Thanks for the good wishes. x

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cared for Dad who passed away on January 28th 2013 R.I.P.


Tue Apr 05, 2011 4:14 pm
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Joined: Fri Jan 15, 2010 9:33 pm
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Location: Vermont
Post Re: Do I tell Dad about my hospital visit?
Ger - I think the others have given you some sound advice. I'd like to reiterate - YOU are not doing anything to cause your dad anxiety, the disease is. You cannot control the disease, you can only do what you are doing to try to make your dad as comfortable as possible, and it sounds like you are working very hard to balance your care for him with your own family, and now your own health. Good for you for taking care of yourself! Nothing to feel guilty about - you deserve to take care of you while you are trying to care for everyone else! Hope the surgery goes well and you recuperate quickly. It is a drag to be on crutches - spent 3 weeks on them a couple of years ago from a hiking accident. At least my arms lost their post-menopausal flab. :lol: Lynn

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Lynn, daughter of 89 year old dad dx with possiblity of LBD, CBD, PSP, FTD, ALS, Vascular Dementia, AD, etc., died Nov. 30, 2010 after living in ALF for 18 months.


Tue Apr 05, 2011 9:36 pm
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Joined: Mon Feb 21, 2011 9:55 pm
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Post Re: Do I tell Dad about my hospital visit?
Ah, so there will be an upside to the crutches, thanks Lynn. :lol: Thanks for all the advice and encouragement everyone. I'll let ye know how it goes. Fingers crossed. x

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cared for Dad who passed away on January 28th 2013 R.I.P.


Wed Apr 06, 2011 4:45 am
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Joined: Fri Jan 15, 2010 9:33 pm
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Location: Vermont
Post Re: Do I tell Dad about my hospital visit?
Yes Ger, you should be able to lift a car after several weeks on crutches! :lol:

_________________
Lynn, daughter of 89 year old dad dx with possiblity of LBD, CBD, PSP, FTD, ALS, Vascular Dementia, AD, etc., died Nov. 30, 2010 after living in ALF for 18 months.


Wed Apr 06, 2011 1:53 pm
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