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 Tips for Controlling Stressors 
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Joined: Sun Jun 24, 2007 5:35 pm
Posts: 343
Post Re: Tips for Controlling Stressors
Kelli, you might want to POST your question on the Behavioral Issues section of the discussion forum. That way a number of folks will see it and you may get some helpful responses to this issue.
Children can be good medicine for grandparents.
Take care, Pat

_________________
Pat Snyder, husband John, dx LBD 2007
Author of [i]Treasures in the Darkness: Extending Early Stage of LBD...[i][/i] [url]http://www.amazon.com/Treasures-Darkness-Extending-Alzheimers-Parkinsons/dp/1466428228/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1334092686&sr=8-1[/url]


Fri Nov 05, 2010 8:36 pm
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Joined: Wed Aug 11, 2010 2:34 am
Posts: 54
Post Re: Tips for Controlling Stressors
Thanks Pat. The visit went just as I suspected. Will not be sharing a visit in the future can't cope with seeing how they interact. Will keep my own visits as they are, it's working for me at least.


Sat Nov 06, 2010 12:45 am
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Joined: Fri Jan 15, 2010 9:33 pm
Posts: 3117
Location: Vermont
Post Re: Tips for Controlling Stressors
Kelli - is your mom open to getting on this forum or a spouse's forum so she can see the discussions that might be helpful to her and your dad? Or is there a support group where she might go? She might take the suggestions of others better from strangers than from family members. You know that expression - "it's hard to be a prophet in your own land" or something like that? Also, you know how family dynamics can get in the way too. Good luck, Lynn

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Lynn, daughter of 89 year old dad dx with possiblity of LBD, CBD, PSP, FTD, ALS, Vascular Dementia, AD, etc., died Nov. 30, 2010 after living in ALF for 18 months.


Sun Nov 07, 2010 1:42 am
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Joined: Wed Dec 30, 2009 1:46 pm
Posts: 3176
Location: WA
Post Re: Tips for Controlling Stressors
Kelli, I think you are wise to make your visits separately from your mother's. Trying to change someone else's behavior is almost always an exercise in futility and trying to change family dynamics in the eleventh hour isn't too likely to succeed. Rejoice that you and your dad have a good, loving relationship. He is fortunate to have such a caring daughter. God bless!

_________________
Pat [68] married to Derek [84] for 38 years; husband dx PDD/LBD 2005, probably began 2002 or earlier; late stage and in a SNF as of January 2011. Hospitalized 11/2/2013 and discharged to home Hospice. Passed away at home on 11/9/2013.


Sun Nov 07, 2010 10:20 am
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Joined: Sun Jun 24, 2007 5:35 pm
Posts: 343
Post Re: Tips for Controlling Stressors
Kelli, I agree that if separate visits are less stressful for you, that is the way to go. And do it with no guilt. First rule for me is when there is a choice, always choose the lesser stressor. That will help you and your dad.
Hang in there! You are doing many things right!!
Love and Prayers,
Pat

_________________
Pat Snyder, husband John, dx LBD 2007
Author of [i]Treasures in the Darkness: Extending Early Stage of LBD...[i][/i] [url]http://www.amazon.com/Treasures-Darkness-Extending-Alzheimers-Parkinsons/dp/1466428228/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1334092686&sr=8-1[/url]


Sun Nov 07, 2010 4:48 pm
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Joined: Fri Dec 31, 2010 3:07 pm
Posts: 1039
Location: Minnesota
Post Re: Tips for Controlling Stressors
Regarding not asking "why": I certainly understand where this is coming from, and sometimes it is the best approach. But I'm not sure I'd list it as a rule.

In my profession I often document how certain business processes happen. It is critical to know not only what is done but why it is done that way. I discovered the truth of what I learned in training: "why" often provokes defensiveness. Why is sometimes used as a criticism rather than a request for information. "Why can't you me more like your sister?" "Why do you have to slam the door every time you leave a room?" "Why are you always late?" Pity me. I have to ask why questions all day long and try not to make people nervous or uncomfortable.

With our LO's actions, asking why long after the fact probably isn't useful. And asking why about actions that were apparently accidental isn't useful. But if I saw Coy putting his glasses in the wastebasket, I would say something like, "hmm ... do you want to throw your glasses away?" He might say "No. I just want them clean. Isn't this where I put dirty things to get clean?" or he might say "Yes. They pinch my nose." Or he might look at me very confused like he doesn't know what I'm talking about (and then I won't press it.) But looking into why gives me at least a chance of understanding his needs a little better.

Instead of Don't ask why, I suggest Only ask why if there is a fair chance you might get an answer, and do it carefully so it won't be perceived as criticism. Accept that often your LO won't know why or won't be able to articulate the reason.

(Gosh, this caregiving business isn't easy, is it?)

Pat, I think your intended scope for your book is very useful. Looking at not only how to deal with the bad times but how to enhance and enjoy the abilities still intact in the early stage would be valuable to new caregivers. We don't need to know everything about every possibility all at once. Let us focus on the tasks at hand.

Good luck to you! (Do you have a publisher yet?)

_________________
Jeanne, 68 cared for husband Coy, 86. RBD for 30+ years; LDB since 2003, Coy at home, in early stage, until death in 2012


Mon Jan 24, 2011 12:13 am
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Joined: Wed Oct 28, 2009 11:53 am
Posts: 969
Location: Ocala, FL
Post Re: Tips for Controlling Stressors
To take this discussion one step further.... Someone told me to never ask a question ('Why' for instance) unless you have already decided what you will do with the answer. That is certainly true with both teenagers and those who have dementia.

If you don't want to hear the answer, don't ask the question. If the answer doesn't help the situation, don't ask the question.

With Dale, I often bite my tongue when I want to ask, "Why?" I know his answer won't make sense.

I also did that with my teenage kids. Asking them a question that you know they won't answer truthfully serves no purpose.

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Leone Carroll (75); wife of Dale (75) who passed away March 23, 2011


Mon Jan 24, 2011 9:11 am
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Joined: Sun Jun 24, 2007 5:35 pm
Posts: 343
Post Re: Tips for Controlling Stressors
Jeanne, I like your revision of the "Do not ask why".

I think a lot like you do. If I can get some level of understanding, perhaps I can help, adjust, or somehow improve the situation. And I am insatiably (sp?) curious about problem solving! Maybe it comes from being a teacher/school head/office manager.
I totally agree that we should all focus on the task at hand.

I am sending you a private message about your other comments.

_________________
Pat Snyder, husband John, dx LBD 2007
Author of [i]Treasures in the Darkness: Extending Early Stage of LBD...[i][/i] [url]http://www.amazon.com/Treasures-Darkness-Extending-Alzheimers-Parkinsons/dp/1466428228/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1334092686&sr=8-1[/url]


Tue Jan 25, 2011 12:45 am
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