Kelli, you might want to POST your question on the Behavioral Issues section of the discussion forum. That way a number of folks will see it and you may get some helpful responses to this issue.
Children can be good medicine for grandparents.
Take care, Pat

Thanks Pat. The visit went just as I suspected. Will not be sharing a visit in the future can't cope with seeing how they interact. Will keep my own visits as they are, it's working for me at least.

Kelli - is your mom open to getting on this forum or a spouse's forum so she can see the discussions that might be helpful to her and your dad? Or is there a support group where she might go? She might take the suggestions of others better from strangers than from family members. You know that expression - "it's hard to be a prophet in your own land" or something like that? Also, you know how family dynamics can get in the way too. Good luck, Lynn

Kelli, I think you are wise to make your visits separately from your mother's. Trying to change someone else's behavior is almost always an exercise in futility and trying to change family dynamics in the eleventh hour isn't too likely to succeed. Rejoice that you and your dad have a good, loving relationship. He is fortunate to have such a caring daughter. God bless!

Kelli, I agree that if separate visits are less stressful for you, that is the way to go. And do it with no guilt. First rule for me is when there is a choice, always choose the lesser stressor. That will help you and your dad.
Hang in there! You are doing many things right!!
Love and Prayers,
Pat

Regarding not asking "why": I certainly understand where this is coming from, and sometimes it is the best approach. But I'm not sure I'd list it as a rule.

In my profession I often document how certain business processes happen. It is critical to know not only what is done but why it is done that way. I discovered the truth of what I learned in training: "why" often provokes defensiveness. Why is sometimes used as a criticism rather than a request for information. "Why can't you me more like your sister?" "Why do you have to slam the door every time you leave a room?" "Why are you always late?" Pity me. I have to ask why questions all day long and try not to make people nervous or uncomfortable.

With our LO's actions, asking why long after the fact probably isn't useful. And asking why about actions that were apparently accidental isn't useful. But if I saw Coy putting his glasses in the wastebasket, I would say something like, "hmm ... do you want to throw your glasses away?" He might say "No. I just want them clean. Isn't this where I put dirty things to get clean?" or he might say "Yes. They pinch my nose." Or he might look at me very confused like he doesn't know what I'm talking about (and then I won't press it.) But looking into why gives me at least a chance of understanding his needs a little better.

Instead of Don't ask why, I suggest Only ask why if there is a fair chance you might get an answer, and do it carefully so it won't be perceived as criticism. Accept that often your LO won't know why or won't be able to articulate the reason.

(Gosh, this caregiving business isn't easy, is it?)

Pat, I think your intended scope for your book is very useful. Looking at not only how to deal with the bad times but how to enhance and enjoy the abilities still intact in the early stage would be valuable to new caregivers. We don't need to know everything about every possibility all at once. Let us focus on the tasks at hand.

Good luck to you! (Do you have a publisher yet?)

Jeanne, I like your revision of the "Do not ask why".

I think a lot like you do. If I can get some level of understanding, perhaps I can help, adjust, or somehow improve the situation. And I am insatiably (sp?) curious about problem solving! Maybe it comes from being a teacher/school head/office manager.
I totally agree that we should all focus on the task at hand.

I am sending you a private message about your other comments.