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 Is there a best time to join a grief group? 
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Joined: Wed Jun 09, 2010 4:53 pm
Posts: 42
Location: Davis, CA
Post Is there a best time to join a grief group?
My mother was interested in joining a grief group. We lost my dad about 2 weeks ago. They told her to wait for three months and then join a group. Have others had this experience?


Tue Jul 27, 2010 4:07 pm
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Joined: Fri Aug 11, 2006 1:46 pm
Posts: 4811
Location: SF Bay Area (Northern CA)
Post Re: Is there a best time to join a grief group?
Many in our local support group do join grief groups. Usually the group gives the griever the option of joining whenever a "new" group is starting. So maybe that's why there's a 3-month wait??

I do know many spouse caregivers who do wait for a few months before joining a group because they feel they'd be crying non-stop if they joined a group right after the death.

Of course you and your mother have been grieving for quite some time -- long before your father died.


PS. Heard the word "dapper" yesterday and thought of your dad!


Tue Jul 27, 2010 4:37 pm
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Joined: Fri Jan 15, 2010 9:33 pm
Posts: 3125
Location: Vermont
Post Re: Is there a best time to join a grief group?
I think if a person feels they need to join a grief group they should do it whenever they feel like it. Everyone is different, everyone experiences grief differently. I can't imagine anyone saying there is suggested time of 3 months, 3 minutes or anything else. If you or your mom attend one and that isn't a good fit, if you live in a community with several you might try different ones. So sorry for your loss. Lynn

_________________
Lynn, daughter of 89 year old dad dx with possiblity of LBD, CBD, PSP, FTD, ALS, Vascular Dementia, AD, etc., died Nov. 30, 2010 after living in ALF for 18 months.


Tue Jul 27, 2010 4:39 pm
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Joined: Wed Jun 09, 2010 4:53 pm
Posts: 42
Location: Davis, CA
Post Re: Is there a best time to join a grief group?
Robin and Lynn,

Thanks for your thoughts. I suspect that there was a wait, but that information may not have been "heard" correctly by my mom. She does think it's too soon; she cries all the time. I can't get into one locally until September. These matters are so emotionally exhausting. My brother has pushed my mom into an earlier than she would have liked date for dad's memorial so that he (brother) can have "closure." The whole thing is just heartbreaking. There are no clear cut paths. Very sad today.


Tue Jul 27, 2010 6:00 pm
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Joined: Fri Aug 11, 2006 1:46 pm
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Location: SF Bay Area (Northern CA)
Post Re: Is there a best time to join a grief group?
Sometimes on these sad days, I'd just go to bed and hope that tomorrow would be better.


Tue Jul 27, 2010 6:29 pm
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Joined: Wed Jun 09, 2010 4:53 pm
Posts: 42
Location: Davis, CA
Post Re: Is there a best time to join a grief group?
Sounds about right, Robin. I've done quite a bit of that, actually. I'll try a nap now.


Tue Jul 27, 2010 6:40 pm
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Joined: Fri Jan 15, 2010 9:33 pm
Posts: 3125
Location: Vermont
Post Re: Is there a best time to join a grief group?
Your brother needed closure, it was too soon for your mom - sounds like a typical family, and unfortunately, under the circumstances this can be a real stressor for many family members. When my mom died suddenly, we had a memorial service to which about 500 people came, but we didn't bury her ashes for almost 6 mo. At that time, just a few close family members and a few really close friends attended, since it was so much later and most people had moved on. Luckily, my dad, my sister and I all agreed we couldn't deal with the internment of her ashes for quite a while. I don't know what we would have done if one of us had insisted on doing it sooner.
If you can find just one little thing that can lift your spirits during such a sad time, do whatever it takes. I know how sad, fragile and vulnerable I felt for a very long time after my mom died. Hugging my kids was about the only thing that made me feel better, and I couldn't corral them for too long! Helping others in need helped me some too. I hope you can find something that gives you a little relief and a break from all the heartache. Sending a big hug, Lynn

_________________
Lynn, daughter of 89 year old dad dx with possiblity of LBD, CBD, PSP, FTD, ALS, Vascular Dementia, AD, etc., died Nov. 30, 2010 after living in ALF for 18 months.


Tue Jul 27, 2010 7:31 pm
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Joined: Wed Jun 09, 2010 4:53 pm
Posts: 42
Location: Davis, CA
Post Re: Is there a best time to join a grief group?
Thanks, Lynn. Your words are helpful. Unfortunately, I've had three fights with my husband in the two weeks since my dad died. He's a lot older than me and wants me to be "realistic." I don't know where to go to hide and grieve. Maybe I'll just take off, I don't know. I can't bear the fighting. I've been so moved by your latest postings about your dad, and I hope there's some resolution there. I feel so bad that he's taking off on your sister. All the best to you in this difficult time.

Amanda


Tue Jul 27, 2010 10:32 pm
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Joined: Fri Jan 15, 2010 9:33 pm
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Location: Vermont
Post Re: Is there a best time to join a grief group?
Hi Amanda - what does your husband mean about "being realistic"? Does he think you should just have expected your LO to die and then you should get over it immediately?
We all grieve differently and if that is that case with him, that he thinks you should be able to just move on, you might want to go to counseling with him. Sounds like he doesn't get that many people take a long time to grieve and do it in various ways, and maybe he needs an objective 3rd party so you and he can discuss what you need at this time without arguing about it. That's the last thing you need now.
Can you get away and have time by yourself? If so, that might be a really good option too.
Would he be amenable to doing some reading about how different people grieve? If he's a data kind of guy, that might be helpful. My husband is a real spreadsheet kinda guy - that's how he thinks, so if I can present things to him in a spreadsheet kind of way, he gets it!
Thanks for your support about my dad. I drive down next week for my monthly visit and am not looking forward to it but I have to do it. Last month I put almost 2,000 mi. on my car when I was there for 2 weeks! Too much driving, but flying has gotten so expensive - $500 for a 1 hour flight!
Lynn

_________________
Lynn, daughter of 89 year old dad dx with possiblity of LBD, CBD, PSP, FTD, ALS, Vascular Dementia, AD, etc., died Nov. 30, 2010 after living in ALF for 18 months.


Wed Jul 28, 2010 9:19 am
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Joined: Wed Jun 09, 2010 4:53 pm
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Location: Davis, CA
Post Re: Is there a best time to join a grief group?
Hi. I am doing better today. It's been interesting with my husband. I think my dad's death is actually harder on him than I realized. Experiencing the death of a parent makes you realize that you're next in line, and I think that's what he's doing or avoiding doing. He's actually usually quite good to talk to about things, but death turns out not to be one of them. I think I just need to find other ways to take care of myself and to get away, too, when I can.


Wed Jul 28, 2010 6:27 pm
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Joined: Fri Jan 15, 2010 9:33 pm
Posts: 3125
Location: Vermont
Post Re: Is there a best time to join a grief group?
Very interesting Amanda. I'm glad you had a better day. I can't talk with my husband much about death and dying either. Is your husband and engineer? Lynn

_________________
Lynn, daughter of 89 year old dad dx with possiblity of LBD, CBD, PSP, FTD, ALS, Vascular Dementia, AD, etc., died Nov. 30, 2010 after living in ALF for 18 months.


Wed Jul 28, 2010 8:53 pm
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Joined: Wed Jun 09, 2010 4:53 pm
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Location: Davis, CA
Post Re: Is there a best time to join a grief group?
No, he's a sociologist. So, I get a lot of this kind of thing: "grieving is about grieving," meaning that he doesn't necessarily give the process credence. I am a bigger believer in psychology than he, partly because I take mental illness seriously and he doesn't. I think it's a good defense mechanism for him; denial through sociology!


Thu Jul 29, 2010 6:15 pm
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Joined: Fri Jan 15, 2010 9:33 pm
Posts: 3125
Location: Vermont
Post Re: Is there a best time to join a grief group?
Interesting..... I would have bet he was an engineer, mathematician, or some sort of scientist (not of the social science scene!). Some people just have a harder time getting in touch with their feelings than others. I hope things are going better for you. Lynn

_________________
Lynn, daughter of 89 year old dad dx with possiblity of LBD, CBD, PSP, FTD, ALS, Vascular Dementia, AD, etc., died Nov. 30, 2010 after living in ALF for 18 months.


Thu Jul 29, 2010 9:40 pm
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Joined: Wed Jun 09, 2010 4:53 pm
Posts: 42
Location: Davis, CA
Post Re: Is there a best time to join a grief group?
I joined a local grief group today sponsored by hospice. It is a drop-in group, meeting every Friday morning. It was a wonderful experience for me. I was able to get help with a couple of things, such as the fact that it normal it is for siblings to not get along when a parents dies because they are lost and trying to figure out their new family roles. Also, when I call my mother I have been worried because I always feel like I'm saying the wrong thing. Sometimes she sobs non-stop then has to get off the phone. I learned from people who had recently lost their spouses that kindness brings on the crying and that it is okay. It was a group of about ten people, all in various stages of grief. I would highly recommend that others find such a group if one exists in your community. I have been feeling isolated because things are such that I'm not receiving much support from family and the group, in just one meeting, was very helpful.


Fri Aug 06, 2010 4:27 pm
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Joined: Fri Aug 11, 2006 1:46 pm
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Location: SF Bay Area (Northern CA)
Post Re: Is there a best time to join a grief group?
Glad to hear your first grief group meeting was such a positive experience.


Fri Aug 06, 2010 4:38 pm
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