Thank you, Lynn, for posting those great questions.

I've been gently encouraging Dad to consider moving Mom from home to a memory care unit for months now. It's been extremely difficult for him to come to terms with the fact that it's time.

Mom is falling frequently (a couple very scary ones, including one that knocked her out), has swallowing problems, and requires assistance with *everything.* I have watched my dad's health (physical and mental) deteriorate over these long years. I know a facility is the best decision for her safety, and his health, but it's so, so hard.

Dad just got the call today that a room is available at the place we've chosen. It's a small unit (8 residents, 2 staff) and spaces don't come available often. They have had 2 other residents with LBD. My poor dad was crying so hard when he called me that he was almost hyperventilating over the phone.

We're now struggling with how to "tell" Mom. We think she suspects, and there's the possibility she could do very well there (she's a very social person, but has been very isolated at home).

Dad is convinced it's like he's giving her a death sentence, and that he's failing her. I'm afraid he'll be a total basket case when the time comes to move her. It might happen in 1 or 2 weeks. I'll be there for the whole process, and I'm just trying to prepare myself for making it go as smoothly as possible for everyone.

Thank you in advance for any words of wisdom.

When my husband was in a dementia care facility for a few months last year, there was a female resident whose husband had been very reluctant to place her but her condition had become too difficult for him to manage. He practically lived at the facility, took all his meals there with her, and didn't have to give up companionship for the sake of complex care needs.

I hope the facility is close enough for your father to be able to visit her often. It does sound like the best thing for both of them. Hope it works out! I know how long those waiting lists are and you usually have to put $$ down to reserve a place on the list, too!

Point out to your Dad that know one knows how long your Mom's care will be for and each day he is struggling to care for her at home , that if your Mom is placed the physical end of the care will be off his shoulders and he will still be very much caring for her but in a different way, his role for advocating will still be very much in place and he can spend quaility time with your Mom and not be so drained himself!

Good Luck with all of this , I know this is difficult for all concerned but honestly there are no special medals for people who care for their loved ones at home!

Thanks so much, mockturtle.

The place is only 15-20 minutes from Dad, and Mom's sister lives only about a mile away, so it's great from that perspective.

Because Dad has been so consumed with caregiving, I've done most of the legwork on our options. And have developed a very nice relationship with the people at this facility over the past year. Have met with them 3 times and multiple emails. (Honestly, I think they may have bumped us up on the wait list because of that. No $$ has passed yet.)

Their RN met and assessed Mom a couple weeks ago. We told her it was "just another nurse." Like I say, I think Mom suspects. I just hope with all my heart that she takes this okay. I'm thinking Dad will take it much harder than her.

Since I don't know you or you dad, I'll give you another suggestion that might be appropriate, might not be. For him to feel better about placing your mom, maybe you can explain to him that you don't want to lose BOTH of them any time soon, and that you see the mental and physical strain he is under and you want him to be as healthy as he can be for as long as he can be. Maybe remind him that caregivers often burn out before the person they're caring for???
And, maybe a reminder that HE isn't putting her in a facility, a terrible disease is making it impossible for him to do the caregiving any more, and it is the disease that is requiring additional care that he can no longer provide.
Hope this helps. All the best, Lynn

This forum is such a wonderful thing!

Important points, Irene. "No special medals" -- that's for sure!

Lynn, yes, very much what I've been trying to relay to Dad. And, great idea, emphasizing the reason for the placement is the disease, not his failure in any way.