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 Help!! Family and Friends Just Do Not Understand 
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Joined: Tue Aug 12, 2008 9:54 pm
Posts: 4
Location: San Antonio, Texas
Post Help!! Family and Friends Just Do Not Understand
Hello, I hope that you will be able to help me.

MY husband has LBD and ALzheimer's. He is hallucinating and has become violent. He tried to kill me and was taken to the emergency room. He has been in a psychiatric ward at the hospital.

His estranged children have been emailing and calling his friends. They are all turning against me and attacking me. I need help. I am very stressed with my husband in the hospital and am trying to decide what to do while fending off attacks rather than receiving encouragement and support.

I love my husband with all of my heart and soul and I have been a devoted caretaker to him. I have been doing it alone, with no help from friends or family, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

My husband's children range in age from 45 to 30 years old. When my husband was first diagnosed, we made a list of everyone he wished to see and everything he wished to do. We did these things while he could still do them and I am so happy that the final years of his life while he was still healthy enough to travel and be with people we fulfilled his wishes.His children are very angry and have even said that we spent money fulfilling his wishes that should have gone to them after his death. They are angry that I have legal power of attorney and control. They work as a group and are constantly manipulating, attacking and causing problems. Now they have started sending blanket emails out to my husband's friends from college and have turned them against me. I am afraid of my husband's children and do not know what to do. They have caused me extreme mental distress at a time that am already stretched to the max.

Any advice?

I love my husband


Wed Feb 11, 2009 9:43 am
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Joined: Fri Feb 29, 2008 7:02 am
Posts: 537
Location: MI
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The only idea I would have is to surround yourself with friends that do understand. Hopefully there are people you know as a couple that can be supportive. I'm glad you used the money to do things he wanted.
Sharon

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syt


Wed Feb 11, 2009 10:35 am
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Joined: Fri Aug 11, 2006 1:46 pm
Posts: 4811
Location: SF Bay Area (Northern CA)
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How disappointing about your family and so-called friends. You might give them the new LBDA brochure for the newly-diagnosed patient and his/her family.


Wed Feb 11, 2009 12:33 pm
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Joined: Sat Jan 27, 2007 8:38 pm
Posts: 712
Location: CA
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Colleen --

Two suggestions ...

1. Stay connected to this forum. You will always find compassion, understanding, advice, humor from people who are in the same place you are (or have been there). Better than any friends or family, the participants on this forum will understand will your feelings, as well as the practicalities of dealing with this disease.

2. As for your step-spawn and any other "friends" or "family" that contact you -- don't even enter into a conversation. When they call, tell them politely right at the beginning of the call that you really are unable to talk to them right now, and you're sure they understand. Then say goodbye and hang up. Their negative energy will drain you, depress you, have you second-guessing yourself. You are under no obligation to speak with anyone who is not helping the situation -- I hereby and officially give you permission to tell them to go away (in so many words). If you don't have caller ID and voice mail, get them. This way you NEVER even have to talk to them when answering the phone.

You are on an emotional airplane ride. You can't let other crazy passengers distract you from what you know you must do -- put on your own oxygen mask so you can put on your husband's and keep it there.

Stay strong and healthy -- keep only strong and healthy people in your life right now. Good luck!

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Renata (and Jerome-in-Heaven)


Fri Feb 13, 2009 12:17 am
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Joined: Fri Aug 11, 2006 1:46 pm
Posts: 4811
Location: SF Bay Area (Northern CA)
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Sounds like maybe the other crazy passengers should be shown the door...


Fri Feb 13, 2009 3:12 am
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Joined: Sat Jan 03, 2009 2:59 pm
Posts: 1978
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raffcons wrote:
Colleen --
I hereby and officially give you permission to tell them to go away (in so many words). If you don't have caller ID and voice mail, get them. This way you NEVER even have to talk to them when answering the phone.


I agree wholeheartly, there are enough issues at hand to deal with , without having to explain one's actions!!

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Irene Selak


Fri Feb 13, 2009 8:47 am
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Joined: Mon Feb 16, 2009 1:00 pm
Posts: 4
Location: Allyn, WA
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I'm curious, what do the "kids" want? What are they fighting you about? If they are trying to take control, they have no idea what they are getting into. Maybe they would like to take dad home with them for a few days and see how it is to live with Lewy.
They just have no idea.......
Nancy


Mon Feb 16, 2009 2:49 pm
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Joined: Sat Jan 03, 2009 2:59 pm
Posts: 1978
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Nancy,
I know a caregiver who did do exactly that with her step children, she called them and said he is yours for the next few days and they learned a very hard lesson and when she returned she was treated a lot differently!

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Irene Selak


Mon Feb 16, 2009 4:17 pm
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Joined: Mon Feb 16, 2009 1:00 pm
Posts: 4
Location: Allyn, WA
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Well, I haven't gone through this kind of family issue but I did fight with a hospital and my family because I kept saying it was the drugs they had her on and family wanted to believe the doctors. For some reason a well known geropsychiatric hospital didn't know not to give mom all those anti-psychotic drugs. (I have a question waiting in the Legal Forum about this.)
The hospital said it would be a form of elder abuse if I took mom home and weaned her off the drugs they had been giving her for the last month making her worse and worse.
I had to find doctors that would support me in it (naturopathic types were the only ones that would).
When mom finally started to get better 3 months later (she still had the dementia but could walk again and knew us again) my whole family said they hoped I would be there to fight the doctors for them in their time of need. They bent over backwards thanking me for giving us a few more years with mom.
The hospital said I was in denial and asked me to leave if I was going to yell.


Mon Feb 16, 2009 5:11 pm
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Joined: Wed Feb 04, 2009 2:54 am
Posts: 2
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Nan,
In the beginning my Mother became verbaly abusive towards us the Children! a lot of things upset my sister and Brother to the point of cutting short a visit and storming out! I stuck it out and manipulated her into a better train of thought! As for the Money Issue I think you did the absolutley correct thing! It was YOU by his bedside taking care of his emotional and physical needs. Sad to say but sounds like Greed is driving them. I have been advised by a Close friend to hide things of value from my Brothers and Sisters me being the primary caretaker! I am a Mr. Nice Guy type and cannot fathom my family fighting for monetary Gain However I witnessed at the Death of my Grand Mother the fighting that broke out by such a tight bonded family of 8 brothers and sisters disintigrate into something I could not comprehend!!!! I do not know what the future Holds but I sure hate to think anything of that nature would happen. Drop the Guilt you feel and be Grateful you spent some great times together before it was too late. They will probably never Reconcile with you but only you know in your heart if you took the proper course! Get over the Guilt and Forge ahead with your life As you well know it is short and you only get one! Best Of Luck Jonathan


Mon Feb 16, 2009 11:23 pm
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