View unanswered posts | View active topics It is currently Sun Sep 21, 2014 2:17 pm



Reply to topic  [ 32 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3  Next
 New member and it's complicated (isn't it always) 
Author Message

Joined: Fri Jan 15, 2010 9:33 pm
Posts: 3366
Location: Vermont
Post Re: New member and it's complicated (isn't it always)
Yep, if you care about either of your parents, it has become your issue to deal with. I didn't like having to take over things for my dad either; he was always so independent and I felt like I was butting in when I started giving him suggestions last year. He resented me "becoming the parent" and I resented having to do it. Looking back on things, I wish I'd been more insistent about taking over 6 months earlier. I really hated taking over my dad's finances, suggesting he move to an ALF (before his big decline in July '09) and doing various other parenting things for my parent. But, I am getting over that and just have to keep on top of everything now and not worry about it. I had no choice, really. All the best, Lynn

_________________
Lynn, daughter of 89 year old dad dx with possiblity of LBD, CBD, PSP, FTD, ALS, Vascular Dementia, AD, etc., died Nov. 30, 2010 after living in ALF for 18 months.


Fri Jul 23, 2010 8:26 pm
Profile

Joined: Thu Jul 22, 2010 1:58 pm
Posts: 12
Post Re: New member and it's complicated (isn't it always)
Hi guys--update on my dad: my mom is taking him home from the hospital today. No other care, no skilled nursing, nada. She is doing it all herself. Apparently got crosswise with the social working making care arrangements because she felt it would be a conspiratorial drain on her pockets. When I told her I didn't think that was such a good idea to go without help, she said "What, are you and your brothers afraid of being STUCK with your dad if something happens to me?" Some things I've learned also make me think she ignored a directive already in place re a feeding tube.

But it's Saturday, and I can't do anything until Monday. I have no idea of what Dad would want, and no way of finding out. Thanks for the support, though.


Sat Jul 24, 2010 2:53 pm
Profile

Joined: Fri Jan 15, 2010 9:33 pm
Posts: 3366
Location: Vermont
Post Re: New member and it's complicated (isn't it always)
Can you talk with the social worker at the hospital and voice your concerns? And, see if SHE can do something that maybe legally you can't do without POA. I'd think she'd be under some sort of obligation to report elderly abuse/neglect because of her job. Good luck. Lynn

_________________
Lynn, daughter of 89 year old dad dx with possiblity of LBD, CBD, PSP, FTD, ALS, Vascular Dementia, AD, etc., died Nov. 30, 2010 after living in ALF for 18 months.


Sat Jul 24, 2010 6:13 pm
Profile

Joined: Thu Jul 22, 2010 1:58 pm
Posts: 12
Post Re: New member and it's complicated (isn't it always)
Thanks...actually, I went ahead and put the situation into the hands of the people I know will do whatever is necessary. As I respond this evening, they are assessing the situation on site. Much as I hate it, it was really the only feasible option to take care of everyone. Thanks to everyone who encouraged me to take action....I feel a bit more at peace. :-)


Sat Jul 24, 2010 9:56 pm
Profile

Joined: Fri Jan 15, 2010 9:33 pm
Posts: 3366
Location: Vermont
Post Re: New member and it's complicated (isn't it always)
There are times in our lives where it is difficult, but we must stand up for those who can't and for what we think is right. I'm glad you have taken some action and feel better for having done so.
This is not easy, but sometimes you just "gotta do what you gotta do". Your mom might be angry, but you really do need to step up and do what is best for your dad if she is unable or unwilling. Lynn

_________________
Lynn, daughter of 89 year old dad dx with possiblity of LBD, CBD, PSP, FTD, ALS, Vascular Dementia, AD, etc., died Nov. 30, 2010 after living in ALF for 18 months.


Sat Jul 24, 2010 10:34 pm
Profile

Joined: Thu Jul 22, 2010 1:58 pm
Posts: 12
Post Re: New member and it's complicated (isn't it always)
Bless you and thanks, Lynn--I guess it comes down to the fact I can handle anger more than the thought of "I wish I had spoken up sooner". I suppose dementia puts everybody in awkward positions, but the one who is in the most awkward place is Dad. Peace be with you.


Sun Jul 25, 2010 12:09 am
Profile

Joined: Fri Aug 11, 2006 1:46 pm
Posts: 4811
Location: SF Bay Area (Northern CA)
Post Re: New member and it's complicated (isn't it always)
Did you contact adult protective services?


Sun Jul 25, 2010 1:51 am
Profile

Joined: Thu Jul 22, 2010 1:58 pm
Posts: 12
Post Re: New member and it's complicated (isn't it always)
I'm sure I'll feel better about it later, but yes, I did. It was the only option I could come to.


Sun Jul 25, 2010 10:52 am
Profile

Joined: Fri Aug 11, 2006 1:46 pm
Posts: 4811
Location: SF Bay Area (Northern CA)
Post Re: New member and it's complicated (isn't it always)
Hopefully it's a good department and a good case worker will be assigned. In my experience, if the situation is dire, they'll do something. If it falls in a gray zone, they won't.


Sun Jul 25, 2010 11:36 am
Profile

Joined: Thu Jul 22, 2010 1:58 pm
Posts: 12
Post Re: New member and it's complicated (isn't it always)
Well, actually, I called the hotline and they decided to put it at highest priority and within 15 minutes an investigator called me back en route to find my dad, at almost 10 p.m. last night. He told me he was going to try to get my mom to keep dad at the hospital or transitional care and informed me that the state would take over if the medical orders were not followed. So I guess they are on it...he told me he would call me back with the resolution.

Nobody wants to do that to their parents. I still feel horribly conflicted, but my husband assures me it was the only way to protect my dad. I wish there were some other way, but at least I know I took action. I thought about him sitting at home with fever and sores and unable to express his pain and couldn't let him go back to that. Plus, he is dead weight now and my mom already has back problems.


Sun Jul 25, 2010 11:57 am
Profile

Joined: Fri Aug 11, 2006 1:46 pm
Posts: 4811
Location: SF Bay Area (Northern CA)
Post Re: New member and it's complicated (isn't it always)
A few times local support group members have had to call adult protective services -- usually it's an adult child calling about a parent but sometimes it's friends calling about a friend that they see being abused or neglected. It simply has to be done. There's no other option.


Sun Jul 25, 2010 1:02 pm
Profile

Joined: Fri Jan 15, 2010 9:33 pm
Posts: 3366
Location: Vermont
Post Re: New member and it's complicated (isn't it always)
I'm glad you called adult protective services and got some immediate action. Your poor dad - I can only imagine how all those pressure sores must feel. He really needs you to help him, and that's what you're doing. Good for you! Hang in there. It's tough, but you can do it! I hope your mom gets the help she needs as well. Lynn

_________________
Lynn, daughter of 89 year old dad dx with possiblity of LBD, CBD, PSP, FTD, ALS, Vascular Dementia, AD, etc., died Nov. 30, 2010 after living in ALF for 18 months.


Sun Jul 25, 2010 5:15 pm
Profile

Joined: Fri Jan 15, 2010 9:33 pm
Posts: 3366
Location: Vermont
Post Re: New member and it's complicated (isn't it always)
I'm glad you called adult protective services and got some immediate action. Your poor dad - I can only imagine how all those pressure sores must feel. He really needs you to help him, and that's what you're doing. Good for you! Hang in there. It's tough, but you can do it! I hope your mom gets the help she needs as well. Lynn

_________________
Lynn, daughter of 89 year old dad dx with possiblity of LBD, CBD, PSP, FTD, ALS, Vascular Dementia, AD, etc., died Nov. 30, 2010 after living in ALF for 18 months.


Sun Jul 25, 2010 5:15 pm
Profile

Joined: Wed Jun 09, 2010 4:53 pm
Posts: 42
Location: Davis, CA
Post Re: New member and it's complicated (isn't it always)
Dear Lahunt,

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I know for a fact from my own family that mental illness can only make matters worse. Your family sounds difficult at best. I send my prayers and hope that you can find a way to get some resolution. Others have given good, practical suggestions. I recently lost my dad to LBD and I know how painful that is on its own, not to mention problems with your mother and sibs. My heart goes out to you.


Mon Jul 26, 2010 10:11 pm
Profile

Joined: Thu Jul 22, 2010 1:58 pm
Posts: 12
Post Re: New member and it's complicated (isn't it always)
Thanks Amanda--just to update you guys, I am so happy I contacted APS. I spoke with the investigator today and he was kind and throrough and was adding my dad to the caseload so his situation could be monitored on a very regular basis. I also spoke with his social worker at the hospital who had apparently gotten a very different picture from my mom of the resources she had at home to help with dad (like, all three of her kids took turns taking over on the weekends so she had the weekends off. I wish that ever could have happened).

The investigator could not tell her who filed the report, but she kept saying she knows it's me. I know she is hurt and angry and the little bit of relationship we had left might be over, but to know that there are folks out there who are legally bound to oversee their care and welfare and can't be pushed away with anger and scorn is worth the cost.

And so it is. If anyone out there gets into a similarly difficult situation, know that there really are folks out there who can help...might not be the same everywhere, but it's a lifeline where we are :-)


Mon Jul 26, 2010 10:50 pm
Profile
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Reply to topic   [ 32 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3  Next

You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
Powered by phpBB © 2000, 2002, 2005, 2007 phpBB Group.
Designed by STSoftware for PTF.
Localized by Maël Soucaze © 2010 phpBB.fr