View unanswered posts | View active topics It is currently Thu Apr 24, 2014 4:45 pm



Reply to topic  [ 21 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next
 The Dr. used the "N" word 
Author Message

Joined: Wed Sep 30, 2009 8:25 am
Posts: 227
Post The Dr. used the "N" word
Today, at my MIL's routine appointment. the doctor mentioned "nursing home" in front of her. Ouch. I told him that we were not ready for that. He also mentioned hospice. I don't think she can be carted off to her appointments much longer. It takes two of us to get her there. The dilemma arises because her father died in a nursing home. In fact, her brother found him dead when he went for a visit. She gets hysterical when the "N" word is even mentioned. Oy vey.

_________________
Donna (age 56) caregiver for mother-in-law Margaret (age 88).


Tue Aug 02, 2011 7:56 pm
Profile

Joined: Fri Jan 15, 2010 9:33 pm
Posts: 3126
Location: Vermont
Post Re: The Dr. used the "N" word
Donna - if you are unable to get your MIL to appts., are you going to stop her medical care? Or do you have someone who will do home visits? That is one of the benefits of being in an ALF or a SNF - the health care providers often come there so the patients don't have to be transported.
If the dr. thinks she is ready for hospice services, can she get into a hospice house? Is there one available where you are? They are usually very nice places from my limited experience. Just some ideas. I know this is a tough place to be. BTDT Lynn

_________________
Lynn, daughter of 89 year old dad dx with possiblity of LBD, CBD, PSP, FTD, ALS, Vascular Dementia, AD, etc., died Nov. 30, 2010 after living in ALF for 18 months.


Tue Aug 02, 2011 8:19 pm
Profile

Joined: Fri Dec 31, 2010 3:07 pm
Posts: 1039
Location: Minnesota
Post Re: The Dr. used the "N" word
Ouch. Even if you have been thinking of placement, hearing the N word out loud from a doctor can be painful. What was MIL's reaction?

_________________
Jeanne, 68 cared for husband Coy, 86. RBD for 30+ years; LDB since 2003, Coy at home, in early stage, until death in 2012


Tue Aug 02, 2011 8:33 pm
Profile

Joined: Sat Jan 03, 2009 2:59 pm
Posts: 1978
Post Re: The Dr. used the "N" word
Donna,
If he doctor is offering Hospice services, you could try it out in the home, they often have hospice Doctors , we had hospice and their Doctor came to our home. Just a thought!

_________________
Irene Selak


Tue Aug 02, 2011 9:46 pm
Profile WWW

Joined: Wed Dec 30, 2009 1:46 pm
Posts: 3179
Location: WA
Post Re: The Dr. used the "N" word
They shouldn't call it a 'nursing home', in my opinion. Perhaps 'care facility' sounds better?

_________________
Pat [68] married to Derek [84] for 38 years; husband dx PDD/LBD 2005, probably began 2002 or earlier; late stage and in a SNF as of January 2011. Hospitalized 11/2/2013 and discharged to home Hospice. Passed away at home on 11/9/2013.


Wed Aug 03, 2011 1:35 am
Profile

Joined: Sun Aug 29, 2010 5:46 pm
Posts: 609
Post Re: The Dr. used the "N" word
I don't know if this helps but when my mother had a big decline and was in the hospital, the doctors told me she needed to be admitted to a nursing home. When there was a meeting with my mother, the medical staff didn't use the words "nursing home." They told her she wouldn't be able to return home, and that other living arrangements would be made. Frankly, I don't think it made any difference. What she wanted was to return to her own home, and whether the alternative was called a nursing home or not was really secondary.

From what I have seen, nursing homes are a lot different from what they were, say, 30 years ago, and I mean that in a positive way. It's too bad that they get such a bad rap that people cringe at the term. But again, I think a person who is facing admission is probably worried primarily about not getting to live at home.

Julianne


Wed Aug 03, 2011 9:28 am
Profile

Joined: Wed Dec 30, 2009 1:46 pm
Posts: 3179
Location: WA
Post Re: The Dr. used the "N" word
You're right, Julianne. There are still some bad ones out there but there are a lot of good ones, too, and the ratings and reports are readily available.

_________________
Pat [68] married to Derek [84] for 38 years; husband dx PDD/LBD 2005, probably began 2002 or earlier; late stage and in a SNF as of January 2011. Hospitalized 11/2/2013 and discharged to home Hospice. Passed away at home on 11/9/2013.


Wed Aug 03, 2011 10:09 am
Profile

Joined: Wed Sep 30, 2009 8:25 am
Posts: 227
Post Re: The Dr. used the "N" word
Her family will not discuss placement, even though they rarely call or visit. I am stuck because I am only the daughter-in-law and my opinion does not count. Because of her intense anxiety towards SNF's I think we'll keep her here a bit longer, besides, I like having her around even if this is not the same person as before Lewy. She was on hospice but released a year ago because her condition stabilized. The decline has been slow since then (hopefully due to the care she is getting). Medicare refuses to authorize hospice at this time because she does not meet criteria. Does anybody know what the criteria is for LBD? Maybe I am not expressing myself in the right terms. The doctor is willing to try hospice again, since she could not function without 24/7 care. As far as homes go, there is a highly rated and well recommended SNF about 1/2 mile from me. I talked to them a while back, but the LBD might be a problem for them. I went to another highly rated facility and it was like a three ring circus. They would insist that she be brought out of her room to "socialize" even though she is incapable of this. Any stimulus agitates her. Hopefully I will do the right thing.

_________________
Donna (age 56) caregiver for mother-in-law Margaret (age 88).


Wed Aug 03, 2011 10:54 am
Profile

Joined: Fri Aug 11, 2006 1:46 pm
Posts: 4811
Location: SF Bay Area (Northern CA)
Post Re: The Dr. used the "N" word
The hospice criteria for LBD is the same as for everyone else: an MD must certify that the patient is within 6 months of death. If an MD will certify your MIL for hospice, why not take advantage of it for several months?

Is your MIL receiving 24/7 care in her home? If so, what is the MD worried about?


Wed Aug 03, 2011 12:52 pm
Profile

Joined: Tue Dec 29, 2009 2:28 pm
Posts: 463
Location: Minnesota
Post Re: The Dr. used the "N" word
Donna,

Who has your MIL's Power of Attorney or is listed as Medical Representative in a Medical Directive? I'm guessing it isn't those relatives who avoid getting involved. If they don't want to be involved, in my opinion, they should stay out of it. They have no right to tell you what to do unless they are willing to get more deeply involved.

The staff and/or social worker referring to the move as "different living arrangements" does help a bit. But I did need to "thank" Mom for several months for the move as I told her I just couldn't physically do it anymore. The "if I could I would, but I can't" conversation. Now she seems resigned to it.

Mom wanted so badly to die at home. But "home" is a split-level house in which it is nearly impossible and very restricting to stay on one floor. If the few moments when Mom's cognition is in good shape, the design of the house and my physical condition (back problems, primarily) does make her see that this is the only arrangement that makes sense.

BTW, the split-level will go on the market in the spring. I'm hoping to get a small one-level condo. Maybe, if given enough time, I can get Mom there when hospice becomes necessary. Then, she can at least be among more of her own things.

This time is a hard transition for everyone. One thing I could suggest is to let her see the strain it is putting on you. I know the instinct with someone you love is to try to comfort them and let them believe they aren't a "burden." But if someone who loves you sees the toll their care is taking on you, they might be slightly more willing to consider their options.

If LBD weren't such a "comes and goes" kind of thing, and decline were steady, this might not be so hard. Or at least the options would be more straight-forward. The only comfort is that, sometimes, on the really good days, you can have an almost rational discussion with your LO about the situation.

I'll be thinking of you and your situation.

Kate

_________________
Kate [i](Cared for Mom for years before anyone else noticed the symptoms, but the last year of her life was rough and we needed to place her in an SNF, where she passed in February 2012)[/i]


Wed Aug 03, 2011 1:23 pm
Profile

Joined: Fri Jan 15, 2010 9:33 pm
Posts: 3126
Location: Vermont
Post Re: The Dr. used the "N" word
How the hospice criteria are interpreted and applied seems to vary a lot. I tried to get hospice services for my dad 6 mo. before he died and he was denied because he "wasn't that bad." Well, guess what, he was pretty ill and disabled at that time. He'd lost 100 lb., could perform no ADLs and had stage 3 kidney disease, and that was all apart from the dementia and Parkinson's symptoms. Hang in there. It took a few more tries before he met the criteria. I knew a couple of other people's LOs at the time who WERE accepted into hospice, and they didn't seem anywhere near as bad off as my dad was. Just be vigilant if your LO is accepted into hospice the first go-round. Lynn

_________________
Lynn, daughter of 89 year old dad dx with possiblity of LBD, CBD, PSP, FTD, ALS, Vascular Dementia, AD, etc., died Nov. 30, 2010 after living in ALF for 18 months.


Wed Aug 03, 2011 1:26 pm
Profile

Joined: Tue Feb 23, 2010 10:32 am
Posts: 215
Location: Kalispell, MT
Post Re: The Dr. used the "N" word
Donna:

What if you tried to bluff the family: "I love your mother/sister dearly and taking care of her has been a privilege. But it has also become too much for one person. You must discuss the options and let me know very quickly what you want to do. etc., etc."

I tried to shame my husband's siblings to help, but since I am the wife and have POA, any decisions were mine to make. Your's would be an ultimatum, of sorts, and you could keep harassing them but not begging or shaming--just the facts.


Wed Aug 03, 2011 1:45 pm
Profile

Joined: Wed Dec 30, 2009 1:46 pm
Posts: 3179
Location: WA
Post Re: The Dr. used the "N" word
Quote:
If they don't want to be involved, in my opinion, they should stay out of it.
Absolutely!

_________________
Pat [68] married to Derek [84] for 38 years; husband dx PDD/LBD 2005, probably began 2002 or earlier; late stage and in a SNF as of January 2011. Hospitalized 11/2/2013 and discharged to home Hospice. Passed away at home on 11/9/2013.


Wed Aug 03, 2011 2:45 pm
Profile

Joined: Tue Feb 23, 2010 10:32 am
Posts: 215
Location: Kalispell, MT
Post Re: The Dr. used the "N" word
How can they stay out of it if they are the ones with the power and money? Would calling a family meeting work; might put them on the spot.


Wed Aug 03, 2011 5:17 pm
Profile

Joined: Wed Sep 30, 2009 8:25 am
Posts: 227
Post Re: The Dr. used the "N" word
Thank you all for the advice. My husband has the power of attorney. There is NO reasoning with anyone in his family. They are continually in denial about anything that is unpleasant. One of her doctors tried to involve them in a phone conference and they refused. We had my MIL an an ALF for a couple of years and she never accepted it. She referred to the residents as "those poor souls." As I said before, she always became hysterical (literally) whenever we even had to visit a close relative in a SNF. You can see the terror in her eyes now when the subject comes up. I'm really hoping to push for hospice. Her mental capacity is about that of a pre-schooler. I fully expect that she will not last a month in a SNF. Too bad I will have to be the bad guy when the inevitable time comes.

_________________
Donna (age 56) caregiver for mother-in-law Margaret (age 88).


Wed Aug 03, 2011 5:38 pm
Profile
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Reply to topic   [ 21 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next

You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
Powered by phpBB © 2000, 2002, 2005, 2007 phpBB Group.
Designed by STSoftware for PTF.
Localized by Maël Soucaze © 2010 phpBB.fr