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 I have no clue what to do.... 
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Joined: Mon Feb 21, 2011 9:55 pm
Posts: 355
Post Re: I have no clue what to do....
thanks Irene, its good to hear that, and good on you that you did such a wonderful job. It is difficult for me with my parents, - it must have been awful for you. You must be so proud, and you deserve all the credit xxx

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cared for Dad who passed away on January 28th 2013 R.I.P.


Fri Mar 18, 2011 6:46 pm
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Joined: Wed Mar 09, 2011 12:22 am
Posts: 75
Post Re: I have no clue what to do....
Every story sounds so familiar. One thing about having children still at home...when you are able to include them in the care of your LO, teach them to serve with grace. Teach them the honor of serving their elders, and providing good comfort to someone in need. It will last them a lifetime. There is no greater honor than to serve someone. There is no lesson greater to teach, than grace in the midst of "horror." And there is horror in this disease...but compassion will bloom in a young heart. Today's youth is self centered enough.

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~~Debra, 52, wife to Chris, 64 DX Vascular Dementia 9/10; Alz 10 or 11/2010; Pseudo Dementia 01/11; LBD in 03/11..Was at home until 4/29, 2011, now in a Alz fac./dementia unit.
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Sat Mar 19, 2011 11:54 am
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Joined: Wed Sep 30, 2009 8:25 am
Posts: 227
Post Re: I have no clue what to do....
My MIL lives with us. We also have two sons who are still living at home. Any doubts about this living arrangement vanish when I see my MIL's face light up when one of the boys pops into her room. My parents took care of my Dad's parents for as long as I can remember. They were at my grandparents' beck and call for decades, but not once did I hear a complaint. After my grandfather died and my grandma went to a nursing home, my folks went daily to visit her - without fail. I had great role models and hope that my sons are taking all of this to heart. You will be rewarded in the end for your selflessness.

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Donna (age 56) caregiver for mother-in-law Margaret (age 88).


Sat Mar 19, 2011 4:29 pm
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Joined: Mon Jun 21, 2010 2:24 pm
Posts: 32
Post Re: I have no clue what to do....
Dear Coreyk, I dont know what state you live in, but here in Arkansas (I know red-neck and all,LOL) there is a part of the Department of Human Services called Adult Protective Services. They have a hot-line that can be called 24 hours a day, anonymously, and report unsafe conditions for Adults. I believe most here on the forum would agree that this situation is unsafe. They will step in and give you or them the extra help, like the driving issue, and also advise you what needs to be done lawfully and compassionately for your parents. In Arkansas, they (APS) must respond within a 48 hour time period (I think). It works a lot like a child abuse hotline. Anyway, it was just a thought, because sometimes when the dangers are discussed by an outsider, the advise is taken more seriously. Then it might be easier for you and your brothers to step in and take charge. I realize that this step will be a HUGE one, but it is one that must be taken. As someone else told in another post, if a driving accident occurs, and the person involved is known to have been diagnosed with LBD, then the other responsible party (your Dad) can be charged with negligence. And also, their insurance carrier might not pay off because of the diagnosis, and the insurance company not being notified. There are a lot of things to think about, but the most important thing is to do something to get this ball rolling and fast!! Don't feel any guilt either. Would you rather feel the guilt of losing one of them in a car accident and knowing you did nothing to stop it? The first step is always the hardest. With that said, know that you and your family are in our hearts and our prayers. Be sure to let us all know what you are doing and how you are handling things. It may just help someone else on this dreadful rollercoaster ride we are all on together. Keep you head up and our prayers are with you. Misty


Sat Mar 19, 2011 7:24 pm
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Joined: Tue Dec 29, 2009 2:28 pm
Posts: 464
Location: Minnesota
Post Re: I have no clue what to do....
Ger, what's camogie? :?:

Misty, great idea about the Adult Protective Services. A call to county social services should direct Corey to the right place. You also mentioned another good place for help getting the car away. I'm not sure about other places, but in Minnesota, you have to prove you have insurance coverage to get license plates (or tabs). It's illegal here to drive without insurance. If your parents lost their auto insurance, would that be enough to get them to hand over the keys?

Getting them to stop driving is going to be tough, but maybe if you couple it with persuasion to move to assisted living, it might help. Transportation to various places is part of the deal with assisted living so the argument that they couldn't get to the store or doctor wouldn't hold water.

But Corey, your dad's drinking is a problem. It's not possible to care for another person properly when you have a disease or addiction like alchoholism, whether you admit it or not. Have you thought about an intervention for your dad? If you are considering it, don't do it without a social worker involved. As long as he is drinking, your mom is in danger, even if he is doing the best he can. He needs to understand this.

Corey, if this all sounds too expensive, get social services involved. Let them lead you through it. They are the professionals. This is one of the things we pay our taxes to support. Use them.

Now I will tell you something personal. My sister was committed to a state hospital for prescription drug addiction. During the addiction her two sons literally grew up without their mom participating. The hospitalization and the intervention could be the best things that happened to her. You are not betraying your father by confronting his addiction to alchohol. You are doing him a huge favor. And you are protecting your mom.

Best wishes.

Kate

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Kate [i](Cared for Mom for years before anyone else noticed the symptoms, but the last year of her life was rough and we needed to place her in an SNF, where she passed in February 2012)[/i]


Sun Mar 20, 2011 9:37 pm
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Joined: Tue Dec 29, 2009 2:28 pm
Posts: 464
Location: Minnesota
Post Re: I have no clue what to do....
By the way....

From the perspective of a teenage kid who watched her mom be a caregiver to her own parents and then to her FIL who made caregiving as difficult as possible, you are very unlikely to cause harm to your children. You can even involve them, give them a feeling of generations.

There's a reason I put as much as I do into caring for Mom. I had a very good teacher.

Kate

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Kate [i](Cared for Mom for years before anyone else noticed the symptoms, but the last year of her life was rough and we needed to place her in an SNF, where she passed in February 2012)[/i]


Sun Mar 20, 2011 9:42 pm
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Joined: Wed Dec 30, 2009 1:46 pm
Posts: 3213
Location: WA
Post Re: I have no clue what to do....
And, Kate, it's a blessing to see that you have given her, who has spent her life caring for others, such wonderful care, which she so richly deserves.

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Pat [68] married to Derek [84] for 38 years; husband dx PDD/LBD 2005, probably began 2002 or earlier; late stage and in a SNF as of January 2011. Hospitalized 11/2/2013 and discharged to home Hospice. Passed away at home on 11/9/2013.


Sun Mar 20, 2011 9:56 pm
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Joined: Mon Feb 21, 2011 9:55 pm
Posts: 355
Post Re: I have no clue what to do....
Kate, camogie is the female version of hurling. We are huge fans of both hurling and camogie, and both my children love it.
Thank you for your reassurances. My fears are around the fact that they see my Dad at his worst - when he is agressive and almost beyond control. When he is like that, I send them outside, and do my best to shelter them from the worst of it, but they have witnessed some nasty events. I have explained to them that he is not well and can't help what he says and does, but it still worries me sometimes. They have never said anything to concern me, but it does niggle at the back of my mind.

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cared for Dad who passed away on January 28th 2013 R.I.P.


Mon Mar 21, 2011 6:52 am
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Joined: Sat Jan 03, 2009 2:59 pm
Posts: 1978
Post Re: I have no clue what to do....
Ger, May I make a suggestion?
There are some books on dementia for children, perhaps that would help them understand and they would open up for some questions ! Then everyone would feel better about the situation . Good Luck!

I am sure the library carries some books !

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Irene Selak


Mon Mar 21, 2011 8:56 am
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Joined: Mon Feb 21, 2011 9:55 pm
Posts: 355
Post Re: I have no clue what to do....
Great idea, Irene. Do you ever notice that it takes someone else to see quite a simple solution to something that is driving you to distraction. It never dawned on me to get books for the kids, and they are like their mother in that sense - they love reading. Thank you

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cared for Dad who passed away on January 28th 2013 R.I.P.


Mon Mar 21, 2011 9:06 am
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Joined: Wed Mar 09, 2011 12:22 am
Posts: 75
Post Re: I have no clue what to do....
Ger wrote:
Kate, camogie is the female version of hurling. We are huge fans of both hurling and camogie, and both my children love it.

Ger...I feel so dumb...but hurling is vomiting here....what is hurling there?
Vomit: hurl, launch, puke, blow, raunch, etc. :))

_________________
~~Debra, 52, wife to Chris, 64 DX Vascular Dementia 9/10; Alz 10 or 11/2010; Pseudo Dementia 01/11; LBD in 03/11..Was at home until 4/29, 2011, now in a Alz fac./dementia unit.
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Tue Mar 22, 2011 5:55 pm
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Joined: Wed Dec 30, 2009 1:46 pm
Posts: 3213
Location: WA
Post Re: I have no clue what to do....
Hey, you forgot 'barf' and 'toss your cookies'. ;-)

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Pat [68] married to Derek [84] for 38 years; husband dx PDD/LBD 2005, probably began 2002 or earlier; late stage and in a SNF as of January 2011. Hospitalized 11/2/2013 and discharged to home Hospice. Passed away at home on 11/9/2013.


Tue Mar 22, 2011 6:09 pm
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Joined: Mon Feb 21, 2011 9:55 pm
Posts: 355
Post Re: I have no clue what to do....
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: Oh my goodness, I have just had such a laugh. And laughter really is the best medicine. Hurling is a stick game something like hockey (well not really like it, but I can't think how else to describe it to you) It is played with a hurley and sliotar, and is a HUGE part of Irish culture. There are 15 players on each team, and each side try to score either points over the crossbar, or goals. It is a very fast paced game and my kids love it, but are always telling me I embarass them when I am cheering them on on the sidelines. Oh my, I am going to bed with a big smile on my face. Thank you so much xxxxxx

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cared for Dad who passed away on January 28th 2013 R.I.P.


Tue Mar 22, 2011 6:21 pm
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Joined: Sun Oct 21, 2007 4:18 pm
Posts: 835
Location: Acton, MA
Post Re: I have no clue what to do....
Ladies, you forgot "upchuck".

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Gerry 67, cared for Frank 71, married 49 yrs; dx 2004, passed away October 26, 2011.


Tue Mar 22, 2011 6:51 pm
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Joined: Sat Jul 31, 2010 5:28 pm
Posts: 317
Post Re: I have no clue what to do....
How about "Praying at the porcelain throne?" Nan


Tue Mar 22, 2011 7:31 pm
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